GIVE YOUR MONEY AND I'LL MAKE YOU THE BEST UNDIES

I'm kind of envious of people who are fans of things that suck. Being a fan of something that sucks is a heck of a lot easier than being a fan of something popular. Allow me to elaborate.

Let's say you really love Justin Timberlake. Fair enough - he's handsome, young, and talented and he wears nouveau leather jackets - I understand. But unless you're rich and famous yourself, your fandom is limited to buying his music, his merchandise, magazines featuring his likeness and that kind of thing. You can probably only see him in concert once or twice a year and it'll cost you big bucks, and the likelihood that you'll get to meet him is very slim. Even if you do manage to meet him it'll only be for a few quick seconds and he'll forget you immediately because you're just another beef in the pasture.

On the flip side, let us say that you're a big fan of Kim Mitchell. I'm not talking about a casual fan, because I consider myself one, but rather someone who has followed Kim since the early Max Webster days and continues to support him to this day and he's your all time number 1. It would be so good! He plays a million small festivals in Ontario alone during the summer, most of which are free, and if you ever want to go talk to him, just visit him at the Hard Rock cafe when he does drivetime on Q107. I guarantee that Kim knows his biggest fans personally. Same goes for fans of Trooper and David Wilcox.

I once went to a KISS convention in Etobicoke in a dirty part of town across the street from a garbage dump on "Plywood Road". Seriously. My friends and I were in high school and this convention was dirty. The big draw was that former KISS guitarists Mark St. John and Bruce Kulick would be there. We didn't really give a turd because they were members during KISS' crappiest period in the eighties and nineties. In fact, Mark St. John only played on one album and then got fired because he hurt his hand. When we saw him at the place he was so ugly and haggard looking that I thought he was just another stuck in the 80's KISS fan. Anyway, the big time KISS fans loved them! They asked all sorts of questions about their equipment and their solo careers leaving us teens going "WHAAAAAAT".

The same thing happens when you get really into a local band. This isn't as degrading and you still get the same effect. You get to see them all the time and hang out with them and still be like "You're a cool dude, dudes".

So if you're frustrated with the lack of intimacy gained from your support of something wildly popular, try loving something that sucks and be immersed!

I'M ORDERING THE LASAGNA AND IF ANY OF YOU ORDER IT TOO I'M GOING TO FREAK OUT BIG TIME

Since my roommate was out of town this past weekend, I thought I'd undo the shackles of domestic living and party relatively hard. Recurring themes included baseball, beers, meat and summer time fun. Here, without the aid of photographic proof, is what happened.

On Friday I was called in to play ball for the Comedy Bar KFC Big Crunchers in a pivotal playoff match-up against a team who had beaten them before. After seven long innings of me pulling my quadriceps, scraping my knee and eating a lot of sunflower seeds, we came out on top against all odds and deemed it fitting to celebrate the victory with drinking. People have been doing it for eons and we were not about to buck the trend. Things got wild when Cito Gaston showed up to ask for our baseball tips to which we all were like "Relax big guy, have some gin" and then he took home four chicks no problem.

The next day myself and three dudes went to check out Cito's boys in action, but the Jays decided they wanted to play like bum bums so we had to entertain ourselves while our beloved blue birds embarrassed the sauce out of us. Most of the game was spent trying to figure out the name of Nelly's first single. It took us about an hour and a half before Charles finally nailed "Country Grammar". It was on the tip of our tongues the whole time but all we could think of were different variations of:

- Southern Hospitality
- Midwest Slang
- Southern Slang
- Street Talk
- Ghetto Talk
- Ghetto Slang

We left the game in the 8th when it was 10-0 for the Phillies, and besides, the seats were getting so hot that our butts were baking.

We then took a timely dip in Andy's condo pool which was my official first swim of the year. Write that down you trivia hounds! Much like when we all go to parties, we made several women leave the area of the pool we were lounging in, probably because they couldn't handle the heat. Fair ball ladies, fair ball.

After that we re-convened at a house and BBQ'd a lot of meat while drinking world-wide favourite "beer" and then capped off the night with a rousing game of Settlers of Catan.

Since I'm writing this on Sunday, I can't say what the rest of the weekend was like, but I can tell you I'm planning on getting Jamaican food and watching Lord of the Rings - The Two Towers. I dare you to convince me there's anything better than that to do.

What do Twin Peaks and Michael Jackson have in common? Both their endings were kind of weird.

Peace guys, check me out tomorrow. I reveal the winner of the Spring Sweepstakes, brought to you by Crispers and I debut my newly invented haircut, "The Young Dinosaur".

FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN, PLEASE DON'T WEAR YOUR BONNET TONIGHT

Let's forget about celebrities dying for a second. That stuff is all over our fair Internet. You deserve a break this weekend -

First, you're going to get in one of these:

Then you're going to crank up the stereo and enjoy the smooth sounds of:

When you get hungry you're going to reach back to the cooler you brought for a bag of:


And then make a stop to use this thing:

After which you stop at the side of the road to pick up:


Who steal the rest of your:

Because you fell asleep playing:

They escaped out the window using:

But you forget all about the whole ordeal because you brought along:

And time flies before you reach:

Party up!

When I was in grade 2 or something, I knew this kid who's dad worked for Pepsi-Frito Lay. They lived in this huge house that was always stocked with Pepsi and chips and they had the coolest stuff like skateboards and a Crocodile Mile. The funny thing is that if I knew someone who had all that stuff in present day, the 27 year old me would still be excited about the aforementioned amenities. "Times change. Values don't" - GMC Truck

NAMING YOUR BABY AFTER A DAY OF THE WEEK ISN'T ALL THAT BAD NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT

I was searching for a suitable post for "THIS DAY IN LIVEJOURNAL HISTORY" because I can't think of anything to write about other than rich garbage men and the hot temperatures our city is experiencing, which is being covered thoroughly by our local media.

BUT

I couldn't really find any good June LiveJournal stories for you, except one from 2001 that I'll retell quickly instead of re-posting because it was real cruddy in its original form.

June 23, 2001

I went to a high school full of kids with wealthy parents, and many of these kids were allowed to drive their parents' luxury vehicles to school. This guy we knew sometimes drove a Jaguar and the licence plate read "THA JAG". Being mischievous, silly and borderline homophobic, we took it upon ourselves one day to alter the "J" to an "F" using paper, a blue marker and some tape. I can't remember how long it took him to realize or if he made it out of the parking lot before someone showed him, but regardless it was a nice late high school prank type gag that nicely sums up the experiences my friends and I had while there. I mean the prank itself, not the content of said prank. That word was more commonly accepted then even though we probably shouldn't have used it so much. I'm sorry if you're crying.

End of memory

Another memory that popped into my head recently is when my friends and I were playing Monopoly one day and we started playing the way we thought professional Monopoly players would play. When someone was taking too long with their turn, someone else yelled out, "FUCKIN' DICE!" which is what we imagined the pros would say when another player is being a slow idiot. Next time you play a turn based board contest, try using the term and let everyone know who's boss.

I'm sorry if you didn't enjoy the preceding reminisces. I know some people think stories are boring if they're not in them, but I couldn't help it because I'm like the guy in the Jim Henson show who likes telling stories - the guy with the talking doggy. I think Jim Henson was a really big part of my childhood and is one of the greatest of all time, so when you're out at the bull fights tonight with a senorita on your arm, raise your bowl of paella to the air and salute tha O.G. Puppet Master - James "Jim" Henson:

Can you guess which one he is??

THOUGHTS FOR TOTS AND SWIMMIN' FOR WOMEN

It's only a couple of days into official summer and already it looks like hot season '09 is going to be a memorable one around here - memorable in a bad kind of way - not in a family picnic kind of way.

This place is falling apart! There are no garbage men, ferry or daycare workers and now the guys who sell liquor are going to be hitting the streets. That means your plans of going to the Island to get plastered and throw away your trash in a respectful way is out of the question. Instead we're all going to have to go to mainland parks, do drugs and litter all over the place.

After last summer gave us nothing but rain, these new developments really cheese my toast. Here are a few ways you Torontonians can cope during these dark, foul smelling days:

1. Start eating your garbage - It's going to take some getting used to, but you'll save money and do away with smelly trash.

That's all I got. I haven't had enough time to formulate any further strategies. Stay tuned...

I kind of wish that seasons changed less gradually. Actually, I wish everything changed less gradually. When you see some kid you haven't seen a while and he/she has grown a bunch it's like you're looking biology right in the face.

Anyway, during the winter I wanted summer so bad that I was willing to shave my own skin off just to get it. Now that it's here I'm very pleased, but I'm not buggin' out or anything. I guess it's like when you go on a sunny vacation during the winter. That's the best feeling and we don't really get that here. Spring holds summer's hand and leads it down the aisle into our lives where we gawk at first and then complain that it's too hot. At least I do. I'm never satisfied and I'm not scared to admit it. I'm pretty sure if I owned a boat summer would be better by a bunch.

Hello and give me that.

Okay guys, I'm outta here - keep sending in those postcards!

TUESDAY TALK BARN

Opinion Pieces - No pity special

THE GARBAGE GARBAGE STRIKE

Unions are really boiling my stew these days!

I respect city workers because they're serving our city and all, but they're all very replaceable and there are thousands of people out of work right now that would love to be employed. Unions always talk about fair and and not fair, but they don't realize that it's not fair to citizens to be denied important services just because some garbage men are whining about losing their 84 sicks days or whatever. As far as I can tell, the only reason they're striking is because they're pissed that the city wants to take away some of their benefits, which if I'm not incorrect, IS THE PURPOSE OF NEGOTIATIONS - you can't always get what you want.

Enough about that. I'm pretty much reiterating what people all over are saying and I don't have much of an informed opinion other than what I read in the paper, but seriously man, no pity for unions, ESPECIALLY in the current economic climate.

THE PUNCH HEARD AROUND THE INTERNET

When I first heard that Perez Hilton got punched I was like "oh my, that's terrible, that guy couldn't hurt a baby if he tried", and I think the Black Eyed Peas are lame for having gotten on the guy's back for making fun of them when that's just what he does. But then I realized that he was whining big time and it didn't even look like he got hit very hard. He was mad at the cops for not really doing anything and saying they had better crimes to worry about. They do. People get punched outside of night clubs every weekend. No big deal guy - that's just the Entertainment District of you - or as I call it...

Oh yeah! HOMERUN


Jon and Kate plus SEPARATE

Finally after 45 minutes of relationship metaphor and assurances that everything they do is for their kids, Jon and Kate announced they're separating on last night's episode. I don't want to talk too much about it, but the thing that really got me mooin' was that they never ever blame the TV show for any of their problems. I do kind of think they would've divorced anyway because she was a real loon since the beginning, but the show must amplify things by a million. I also hate how Kate always says everything is for her kids when she's turned herself into a sleaze ball celebrity and seems to enjoy every minute of it. The bottom line is that if they really did care about their kids they'd pull the plug on the whole thing. And yes, I did just accuse them of not caring about their kids and I'm allowed because they put themselves out there and when you do that you have to be willing to face scrutiny.



No pity for garbage men, Perez Hilton, the Black Eyed Peas (especially that 'Taboo' character) , Jon and the former Mrs. Gosselin.

MAHOGANY CAR

I'm soooooo hungover from the off tha hook MMVA after party I went to last night at SHOTGUN NIGHTCLUB. I drank gingerale spritzers with Perez Hilton and talked telecommunications with Twilight's Taylor Lautner. Then I danced the Rumba with Brody Jenner 'til the sun came up. WHAT A NIGHT.

In reality I just hung my face out my window. Here was my view:


We were going to go on the roof, but we don't have a ladder because I'm not a fireman and I gave up trying to construct a homemade ladder because I imagined how it would feel to have my spine broke in two. I imagined it wouldn't feel good.

It was a good, solid activity packed weekend. On Friday I played organized softball with the Comedy Bar KFC Big Crunchers and we absolutely dominated. The highlight was the DeLorean parked beside the park that I got to gawk at. I can't think of any reason why you wouldn't want one of those.

On Sass-urday (a term I picked up from Fergie when we were pigging out on the free ham sandwiches courtesy of Puddy Toomb's catering) I played the new Ghostbusters game all day long and then hit a BBQ at my friends' house. The highlight was the Bacon Explosion they made:

Bacon, sausage, bacon.

Then Liv and I were off the hipster food hall, "Oddfellows" for my friend Dr. Mel's birthday. It was a delicious feast of mussels and venison burgers, but the other people at our communal table were the loudest rubes ever and we all were like "ooohhhhhh be quie's guy".

Kyle and Cara - Two different people - two different emotions

The birthday girl and her real life husband

I still have that shirt.

Sunday I celebrating Father's Day with my main man, my dad, and we had a ssssick BBQ complete with big steaks, potato salad, asparagus, mushrooms, BBQ'd wings and a key lime pie from Dufflet. We saw a duck and a bunny and a cardinal and a chipmunk in my backyard. Such a good backyard. Memories that will last a lifetime.

EYE BALL SLAMMER (RUM, TEQUILA, KOOL AID, JUNIPER BERRIES SERVED OVER ICE)

For the last month or so, my stomach issues subsided, leaving me smiling and waving at grandmas, doggies and children all day long. Yesterday the terrible feelings came back and I'm left wondering, "what went wrong?".

Based on my day, I've narrowed the culprits down to:

1. Miss Vickie's Sea Salt and Malt Vinegar Chips

While eating these yesterday I decided they just might be my favourite chip of all time. I think the only competition is "Dill Pickle Chips", any brand. I haven't had chips in a while, so I'm thinking they might be responsible, which I hope isn't true, because chips are the snack lifeblood of the modern dude. This particular brand and flavour take you on a journey to this place:

Not specifically "Harry's", but any fish and chip shop. You think that's Harry?

Suspect #2 is stress. I've been in a fairly decent and stress free mood as of late, but yesterday at work I got in a big time stink, which continued into the night. I'm trying to fight the mood but sometimes the bullshit piles so high that the sky turns brown.

Suspect #3 - This weird Portuguese turkey that Liv bought from a variety store. She told me that it was "slimey", which indeed it was. I only buy my deli meats fresh shaved, so maybe this slippery meat had something to do with my discomfort. In any case, I'm not taking the risk and will never eat that brand with the Portuguese flag again - unless it's shaved fresh- then they can stick on whatever flag they want.

I have a weekend full of activities planned, so hopefully these tum tum issues will resolve themselves by then. If not I'm going to kick the ass of the first weak looking teenager that crosses my path.

CAT BAR

Yesterday someone posted a comment asking me if I only like myself and nothing else. The answer is "no" - I like a lot of things like Mini Wheats, olives and Star Wars. Admittedly I was being pretty harsh on those movies, most of which I've never seen. The point of the article was to show how movie posters are all the same these days, but because I'm sensitive and don't respond well to criticism, here's a quick, honest rundown of how I really feel about those movies:

Juno - Seen it. Hate it.
Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist - Haven't seen it. Probably too old to enjoy.
I Love You, Beth Cooper - Haven't seen it. Saw preview and decided I hated it.
Away We Go - Planning on seeing it.
Adventureland - Seen it. Enjoyed it.
The 40 Year Old Virgin - Seen it. Enjoyed it.
Semi Pro - Seen enough to not like it.
Knocked Up - Seen it, enjoyed it.
The Hangover - Haven't seen it, assume it's overrated.
Extract - Real high hopes.

So not that different than what I posted yesterday really. See? I do like things other than myself. I like myself. I've been taught to do so and now I'm sharing that glee with the world. On that note, more about me:

The other night I had a crAzY sequence of dreams. When I woke up I tried to jot down as much as I could remember. I know listening to other people's dreams can be boring, but I've got space to fill and you don't have anything to do until lunch.

Dreams

- concert with Green Day playing Can covers, Ramones, sean cullen were there, at comedy bar/school gym. I was in floating chair eating ice cream

- at intermission to park, go to this guys basement off the park, we try to get out but guy blocks the exit with his van, can't get through the back door because basement is sucking us back in somehow, guys come back with two corpses

- Now in California fishing. Then scavenger hunt with Dave, find the treasure on a hill, dave is now Method man. Win some records with video game music on them. Then I nap beside biggie smalls, and awoken by riots breaking out, everyone tries to escape, spirits floating around, the queen disapears from our money and my mom says it's beautiful, we go on trial and sentenced to work, my brother bails, eminem is the main war criminal, sentenced to a giant balloon in the sky, he goes crazy, we sneak him youtube, then jason lee and this other guy flew some jet fighters around town

CONCLUSION

In the future when time travel is commonplace you'll be able to go on all these historical tours and you'll get dress up. Like if you go back to Woodstock you have to dress like a hippie. And if you die on one of these trips a team like in Men in Black come and dispose of your body.

DITCH THAT TURTLE AND LET'S GO HANG GLIDING ALREADY

MOVIE POSTER MADNESS

Did you lose a lot of money on stocks this year and can't afford to go on dates to movies anymore? Don't sell your shoes! There's an better way - you can easily tell what a movie is all about just by looking at its poster, so grab your babe by the butt, fire up your old computer and run a simple Google image search to find the poster of the film you wish to view. Here's what I'm talkin' about:

If you see a poster that features hand-drawn-esque 3-D lettering and the movie has a girl's name in the title, then you can expect to see an sappy indie love fest featuring young cutesies and almost handsomes.

I'm pretty sure Juno started this trend. I hate this movie a whole lot for so many different reasons. If I had a choice between watching this again and getting ear surgery, I'd still watch this but whine about how I should've chose ear surgery the whole time.

The guys who made this film decided that if Michael Cera + young female lead + 3D letters worked once, it'd work again. I haven't seen this movie but chances are it's not the type of film that would make me say "SO FUN OH YEAH"

The makers of this pile of garbage couldn't get Michael Cera, so they settled for an excruciating dick nose instead. They figured adding Hayden Pantiesererss would make it profitable, forgetting that Heroes is utter dog shit and only idiots still like it.

More recently we have Sam Mendes' Away We Go featuring Michael Cera's older brother John Krasinski and Rashida Jones' sister Maya Rudolph. This one doesn't have a girl's name in the title, unless the lady's name is "Away" which I don't think it is. But it is about pregnancy linking it to Juno. I haven't seen this yet, although I once read a David Eggers book and when I was finished it I farted and said to myself "that was the best part".


This one is kinda pushing it, but the 3D letters, awkward/geeky/cool male lead and buzz worthy female definitely make it eligible. I saw this movie and thought it was pretty good, but I kind of don't like that main guy, and Kristen Stewart, much like the unwatchable Evan Rachel Wood, has but one or maybe two emotions in her acting sack. Her hair touching is akin to Wiley Wiggins' face touching in Dazed and Confused.

That's genre #1. Next, if you see a poster with fadey colours and a centered picture of the film's comic lead, then you're in for a silly movie with lots of dick, fart and sex references.

This is the first poster I saw that utilized the aforementioned technique and I thought it was neat. This movie is pretty good, but I've never really liked Steve Carrell for some reason. Maybe it's his lips - ewwwwwww!

This one might go down as one of the worst Will Ferrell movies of all time. I've only seen a tiny bit and learned that you should never hire Andre 3000 for anything other than rapping fast and singing songs about poo flowers.


If this guy got me pregnant I'd be a damn millionaire. I like this movie just fine but I think they should have made a different poster. Who is this graphic designer? Luckiest guy.

Judd Apatow - Hi graphic designer, can you make me a new poster?
Designer - Of course! Got any ideas?
Judd Apatow - Just copy that 40 year old virgin poster.
Designer- That took me like 10 minutes to make, I can do better, I have lots of ideas.
Judd Apatow - Did I ask you how long it took asshole?! JUST MAKE IT OR I'LL TEAR YOUR FUCKIN ANUS OFF WITH MY TEETH.
Designer - Give me ten minutes.

Todd Phillips is the most overrated director in the world. He makes mediocre fart flicks that totally rely on the excellent casts he always manages to get. But I haven't seen this one either, so I guess I can't really pass judgment.

Here's Mike Judge's new movie Extract. Points go to this poster for not featuring a big picture of Jason Bateman's fat head. I take those points immediately away for instead putting a bad dick joke front and centre. I love Mike Judge and I hope this movie will be funnier than this poster is. I also hope the movie will make more sense than this poster. This tells me it's about Walnuts and dicks. Good? Bad? I don't know!

I'm fairly certain there's more of these examples but I know you have things to do other than listening to me slap around movies I haven't even seen. Plus I couldn't think of any more.

NOT MUCH VOLUME BUT PLENTY OF OH BABY

Have you guys noticed my new banner? It was designed by Andy Warhol's son Dizzy "Pete" Warhol. We wanted to capture the power and pride of the Lamborghini Countach and all the minds it inspired.

I took it upon myself to design another one that features pictures of my son Duran and his cat Blackbeard.

Let me know which one you like better. I'm torn.

So far this entry is based around silly names and nothing else. Hopefully you're into that kind of thing.

I just noticed that the Lamborghini Countach has been mentioned a few times in the last week or so. I just think they're sooo cool. My favourite cars when I was a kid were KITT from Knight Rider, the DeLorean, Monster Trucks, Lamborghinis and gullwing Mercedes, which for you film buffs out there is the favourite car of Jim Belushi's character in the underrated "Mr. Destiny". That movie is seriously awesome.

Most of those cars mentioned feature unusual doors, which I guess I was attracted to.



If Gonzo from the Muppets was a car, he'd be a gullwing Mercedes.

Can you see the resemblance? I didn't like Gonzo much when I was a boy. I was more into Kermit, Rolf and Fozzie. Gonzo was an annoying dick sometimes.

I don't have any personal updates to share with you today, except maybe that my sister got a new cat named Winnie. I have yet to meet her but I'm sure she's fuzzy and pet-able.

Here's a nice companion piece to my Ed Hardy/Jon Gosselin rant from a few days ago courtesy of Us Magazine. Be sure to check out the close up of Jon's butt in lion jeans:

http://www.usmagazine.com/news/jon-gosselins-ed-hardy-obsession-explained-2009116

Bye for now, watch out for snakes.

MEGA SAGA

Hi guys. Aren't you kind of scared that the summer is going to be over before you now it? I sure as shit am.

Wasn't that hockey game on Friday night the best? It's games like that one that keep me comin' back to sports every damn time.

So that's what I did on Friday. We also spent a good hour watching the Much More Music retro video channel and saw a couple of klassic kuts including:



Then there was a bunch of bullshit that sucked, but the thrill of the chase was thrill enough.

Saturday I met a few friends a hadn't seen in a little while, and the next day (Sunday) we went to a wedding shower in High Park honouring two such friends. Here is an artist's rendering of some of the day's events:

Charles is enjoying some peanut free treats. If he eats peanuts his beard turns white.

Andy almost pukes after eating bark. "It looked like chocolate" he said.

If Liv takes off these sunglasses her eyes emit a ruby beam that tickles butts.

We played a game with eggs, balloons and spinnies. I fell over real bad when I did it and got GRASS STAINS AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

This painting is called "One in a Million"

Alison reacts to news that we're planning on getting frozen treats.

What great sunny weather that day. Memories that will last an eternity. I can't believe I didn't get any pictures of the bride and groom to be. Brutal coverage by me.

TREATS FROM THE MIDDLE EAST (FIGS)

The worst clothing I've seen in a while is all that Ed Hardy stuff. It's like they combined everything that's been bad about clothes post 9/11 into a disgusting garbage pile of douche-wear. I think Ed Hardy will go the way of Zubaz when all is said and done.

Whoa! In between that last period and the word "Whoa!" I did some Internet searching and found that the Zubaz company is still up and running - http://shop.zubaz.com/. That's crazy. Maybe I'm wrong about the whole Ed Hardy thing - if Zubaz can still sell fresh gear unironically, then perhaps it has a chance. Sorry Ed - your brand of tattoo sparkle wear may stand the test of time. Or maybe not. Check this photo out:

In 15 years you'll see this photo and think it's so perfectly dated, with the Ed Hardy shirt worn by the washed up reality TV dad.

FRIDAY MOVIE REVIEW FROM MY BATHROOM

Hi and welcome to my bathroom. I finally saw 2008's "Best Picture" - Slumdog Millionaire. Though impressed with the film's acting, direction and cinematography, I thought the story was sappy and stupid, except the beginning when the kids were running around being little rascals. If I were to take a bath with this movie I'd make sure to bring some extra soap along to clean the stink of cheese off my brain. If I were to brush my teeth with this movie, I'd make sure it contained proper of amounts of fluoride for stronger teeth. No get outta my bathroom!

FRIDAY FUN BAG

In the Fun Bag this week:

Sour Licorice Rope
1 Match Box Lamborghini Countach
Three balloons with nothing on them
A fresh pear
a dozen expired Sears Club Cards
and.....

Custody of baby Linda!

GRASS COMES IN 'BLADES' THAT'S COOL

HISTORY LESSONS

Notice how I've been playing with font colour lately? Some genius might have said at some point, "you think with your eyes and see with your brain", which kind of makes sense, but not really.

Anyway, I just wanted to spruce up the place just as a teen in 1992 would by hanging a Kathy Ireland poster in his garage to inspire him to work out harder on the bench press that his older cousin sold him for five bucks.

Speaking of the 90's, when I was a boy of Grade 7 I got really into heavy metal for some reason, even though I was the definition of a suburban, middle-class wiener. This is the History Lessons thing that the top of this entry is talking about by the way. The first two paragraphs are there for introduction.

So yeah, I was into metal and I loved bands like Metallica, Megadeth and GWAR. Basically the types of bands whose t-shirts you could buy at that cool store "Backstage Pass" or who were praised by Beavis and/or Butthead.

The only reason I brought this up is because I was reading some Megadeth lyrics the other day and they're really dumb. Remember that song "Train of Consquences" from "Youthanasia"? Cool titles. But dumb lyrics. I think the train song is about Dave Mustaine playing poker on some sort of death train and there's murderers all over the place. On the Train of Consquences there ain't no turnin' back. Duh. That's what a consequence is. You can't turn back from a consquence because that's the consequence of a consequence.

Or who can forget the French language classic, "A Tout Le Monde" off the same album? Hearing Dave Mustaine singing "à tout le monde, à tous mes amis, je vous aime, je dois partir" is good for a few chuckles.

That's all I really wanted to say about that. Oh, and that I remember I had this Nine Inch Nails t-shirt that said "closer to god" on the back and I thought some people would be offended by that. I don't think anyone was.

Tonight I think you should get out your old hockey cards and just take a look.

WEDNESDAY COMIC DAY AND PICKLE DAY IS EVERY DAY

The Hippie-Crite, issue #2 (click to make bigger)

While we're here, why not revisit the Hippie-Crite's first adventure!

I took a little more time with the new one, and I think it lost some of its DIY indie charm. Different name spellings, WHOA!!

Columbia Pictures in association with my production company, Poo Slick Entertainment, is currently developing the Hippie-Crite for the big screen. It may star Michael Cera in the title role, Megan Fox as his cranky, new age mother "Rose" and the always entertaining David Spade as the guy in the hat.

So it's Wednesday! If you work normal you're halfway there. If not, I don't know what to tell you. Is Wednesday good for you? Drop me a line!

REMINDER

Watch HOTBOX again tonight at 10pm on The Comedy Network. It's still on TV and will be for awhile so if you liked it, you get more!!

COOL ITEMS IN MY KNAPSACK

LAUNDRY TALK - with me, the author

If you go to the laundry mat on a Monday morning you're probably not going to meet any babes of destiny as Josh Hartnett did in 2002's sex-centric 40 Days and 40 Nights, a film about a hunk who tries really hard not to have sex. If only hunks realized how hard it is for some people to have sex in the first place. Down with hunks!

Anyway, you're more likely, as I did, to meet poor, lonely old men and quiet Asians. Am I complaining? NO. I've already met a babe of destiny and I didn't need a laundry mat to facilitate it, so sharing a space with a few weirdos for an hour is just fine with me. Although if some chicky waltzed in and started washing all her bikinis, leather pants and bustiers in plain view you wouldn't find me complaining.

Yesterday I talked to three seperate old guys while washing my cool threads. One guy just sort of stopped in the doorway on his bike and said to me:

"Hey buddy, why did the lamb fall off the cliff"

Then I said "What?"

And he said, "Do you know what a lamb is?"

I said, "What do I look like, some kind of a jerk?" I didn't say that, but I wanted to.

He repeated the joke and then came the punch line:

"He took a ewe turn"

mar mar mar

Then he noticed this other old guy who was washing shirts who looked liked he was 90 and they had a chat that was capped off by the Joke Man telling me he knew Super Old for like 40 years.

Here's what I've been getting at, unrelated to laundry - I think someone's weirdness/craziness is based on environment. Like when that really old guy came I was like "oh man this guy is old and weird" but the only reason I thought that is because in my mind old guys like that shouldn't be in the city doing their own laundry. Someone should be doing that shit for them. But that guy probably just isn't that lucky. As for the joke man, he was probably just a friendly dude, even though I was taken aback by him just riding up and telling me an old joke.

My experience was book-ended by a visit from that guy who stands on the corner of Queen and Spadina and yells about textiles. He walked in, talked to me about the weather and was on his way. No laundry, all talk. The great thing about dudes like that is that they probably don't have a lot in life, so having a simple, solid conversation with a stranger probably means more to them than it would to guys like me who are rich beyond your wildest dreams. When I was a blue collar worker during my summers in university, the people who tipped the most were the people who had the least. Rich guys never tipped. They were too busy waxing their skiis and polishing their emeralds.

So check out 40 Days and 40 Nights available to rent at your local video store. For laundry talk, I've been G.W. Macaulay.

MONDAY UPDATE

On Saturday night we threw a Carlsberg sanctioned event at our downtown compound, featuring the delicious taste of the pride of Denmark - Carlsberg beer.

They provided three 24 packs of beer and some promotional material including some great compact discs!

I don't think I'll ever listen to any of these, so if your birthday is coming up expect to find one of these beauties in your stocking.

On second thought, maybe I'll keep this one because it's just sooooo cool:


Too bad it's not an album called "Canada" by a band called "City Rocks". It's just a bunch of 70's and 80's CanCon. Luckily this is only Volume 1, so we're in store for a lot more hits in the future.

The above is a picture of party goers enjoying the smooth crispness of Carlsberg brand beer. Ryan, who is looking at the camera is upset because he doesn't have a Carlsberg in his hand. After this was taken he said, "I need refreshment and the only way I can get it is with an ice cold Carlsberg." He came to the right place!

Bills fan, new homeowner, future father and film blogger, Greg, enjoys a green beauty. He compared the delcious refreshment to a dip in a glacial lake at the height of summer with the smell of cranberries wafting through the warm air.

Farris told me, "I know what Heaven tastes like now!"

A lengthy debate - Ten things you'd want on a desert island. They agree that Carlsberg is number one. The rest of their lists were all over the map. Carlsberg unites again!

Celebrity farmer, Montreal's Paulo Beenzito poses in front of a Carlsberg facade in my bathroom.

Once the Carlsberg ran out, Mike and Andew laugh in the face of other, less sophisticated beers.

Then Mill Street came and gave us all box hats and we forgot all about Carlsberg!

Coming up this week - a pizza party courtesy of Gino's and a rhubarb festival courtesy of Foodland Ontario. Keep sending in those recipes!