STEAKS ON A PLANE, STARRING HAMUEL L. JACKSON

Yesterday was Monday and usually I have a pretty decent rapport with the dreaded day, but lately they turn me into a guy who hates everything. I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything and physically I usually feel like shit thanks to the liquor and spicy food I consume on weekends. So what can a man do to turn that frown into a fang bearing grin? I haven't figured it out yet, but here are some pending positives that should improve my mood:

1. My birthday - I used to really look forward to April 8 because as someone who grew up in a healthy household, a birthday is only rivaled by a Christmas and maybe a lottery win or a night with 4 babes and 3 pizzas. Everyone is nice to you, people give you things and at least for the first quarter of your life, you feel good because you equate being old with being better and you look forward to the muscles and hair you'll be getting soon. All those remain true, except for the last part because at some point you realize that being young is all amusement parks and hot dog days while being old is exercising, eating right and paying bills. I exaggerate of course, but still, all you people out there who are my age or older understand what I'm saying. You know, Tom Waits, I don't want grow up, that whole thing. In conclusion, I approach my birthday with cautious optimism.

2. Summer time - No duh. I've talked at length about the weather in the fair city of Toronto, and I don't really want to open the can again, but I'm pretty sure I'll be happier once I can retire my jacket for the season and show off my goods to all the summertime girls out there. My goods being my chicken legs and bean arms. They can look but they can't touch!

3. Finally getting around to opening that puzzle box I found in the old man's bookstore that wasn't there anymore when I went back the next day - This one could swing either way. On the one hand, the box could contain the gateway to another dimension where it rains strawberries and the currency is old fingernails, and no one has fingernails but me like if someone here could grow coins instead of fingernails, and instead of grass the ground is covered in stir fry. On the other hand, it could contain something far more evil....




ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

I was lying about number three, there isn't a puzzle box and there's no such thing as Bridge Mixture. Or is there......

MA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

MA HA HA HA HA HA H AH A

MA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...



BOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFF

I was in the laundromat this morning and the only other person in there was this troll man who was wearing a bathing suit. Once he was done his load, he changed into a sweatsuit in front of me and was on his way. To you Troll Man, I say please wait until you get home to change into your cleans. I'm not a judgemental person, but your lesion covered back was the "piss in my coffee" this morning and the vision didn't exactly help the digestion of the already indigestible sausage mcmuffin I had consumed just prior to your little display.

I'M ELABORATING ON THINGS I'VE ALREADY MENTIONED

If you read this blog a lot in your spare time or even in your important time with your family when your kid's yellin' in your ear for more donuts and you go "hell kid, I only got so much batter", you'll know that I spend a lot of time reporting about the future. This is because I find the idea of the future fascinating, but also because for the first time ever I feel like I live in the future. To realize this all you have to do is pretend you're from the early 1900's and you'll discover some interesting things. Here are some signs that we live in the future that I've meticulously been documenting in my time log for the last couple of weeks. Also in my time log are predictions for the next 34 Kentucky Derbies as well as an ongoing list of the best baby names that I can consult when I end up creating one and be like "no sweat, I got a list" and it'll be like pickin' peaches in Georgia, no problem mon.

SIGNS OF THE FUTURE

Television is already fairly futuristic and in the last few years we've taken further steps toward this by flattening our screens and sharpening our pictures. But if you really want to take in the future that is TODAY then just pay more attention to commercials. First, marvel at all the products out there that we don't need at all and only exist because we're in THE FUTURE. I recently read about some Hollywood beauties who are marketing this eyelash lengthening treatment called "Lattise". Back in the old days people were too busy worrying about fall harvest and the ever present threat of childbirth to even realize they had eyelashes in the first place. If they for some reason did want to lengthen them they'd have to use string, glue and a sturdy man, and not SCIENCE, which is a big part of the future.

Second, just listen to some of the ads on TV and then picture Marty McFly watching them in those movies and you'll say to me "oh yeah." There's this Gatorade commercial I saw that was like "Using science Gatorade fluid replacement energizes your body using electrolytes and carbohydrates giving you the strength of refreshment to compete at your best." It's like a super serum!! There's also this ad for a new kind of golf club that's also like a transformer:



Tell me that's not the future and then check this out:



This 16 year old Japanese girl just signed a pro contract and she throws a sidearm knuckle, proving that the Japanese are always at the forefront of the future and that baseball is real stupid if a 16 year girl can play no problem.

For those of you in Toronto, all you have to do to see the future is to look at the CN Tower at night. It looks like a space station. Again, to fully realize this you have to pretend you're from the past because you probably see that thing ever day and say "pshhhhhh look at that old bird."

And finally, the ultimate future tool, THE INTERNET, which gets more and more futuristic every day. I didn't retain a lot of the knowledge I learned in university, but this one teacher told that the telephone, which brought about a world revolution, has been around for over a century and it hasn't really changed all that much. You talk into it and someone else listens and then talks. The Internet on the other hand has been around for maybe 15 years (home use, not like 1979 Cal Tech Steve Jobs use) and it's changed and evolved a TON and people find new uses all the time.

There are probably a lot more signs of the future, but this blog isn't a novel and I don't have time to go through everything. I could've talked about Barack Obama because he's futuristic, but I think this brief mention in the conclusion will fully suffice. See you in the future (today)!

SUNDAY FUNNIES

What did the Rhino say to the babe?? I'm horny.

Pictures of Earth Hour:



The most boring hour of the year


woooooow woooooowwwwwwwww boooooooooooo

STRAIGHT TALK FROM A SIDEWAYS DUDE

This is going to be a fun little Friday post, I promise. My hope is that you read this, draw your own conclusions, then discuss it further with your pals over the weekend while you bask in what will hopefully be sunny weather and you eat ribs and drink beers.

The best bedrooms in the world were the ones that teenage boys occupied in films from the 1980's. Characteristics included:

- the coolest posters you ever saw (babes, bands etc.)
- enough room to fit a lot of furniture
- a big tv or several tvs
- computers (which at the time were rare. It'd be like if today a teen had a robot who can do anything)
- several secret hiding spots
- some sort of ingenious mechanism that no kid could ever have conceived

Sound familiar?? The ultimate example that most people know would be Ferris Bueller's room, that came complete with a computer, a synthesizer, and an intricate system designed to make people think he was there rather than out in Chicago being a dickhead to his best friend. I hate Ferris Bueller. I like the movie, but I hate him.

Other examples include Fred Savage in "Little Monsters", Matthew Broderick again in "War Games", those dweebs Gary and Wyatt from "Weird Science", and maybe that guy Mike Damone from "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" although I don't think he had a computer so it doesn't really count. Can you think of any more???

A more recent example, continuing the long tradition, would be Shia LaBoeuf's room in "Disturbia". It's the size of a small bungalow and has everything that a kid could ever want, including several skateboards, loads of stereo equipment, a video camera, cool posters and a window that looks directly into the bedroom, and onto the swimming pool of the hottest babe in town. So he's rich right? NO. He lives with his single mother. Maybe she was rich, I don't know, I didn't really pay attention, that movie stinks nuts.

As a boy growing up, seeing these cool rooms was frustrating because I never had the money or technical know how to emulate what I saw. I had a cool ninja poster but that was about it. I found a picture of it!



I wonder who that guy is and what he's doing today. I bet he has like 20 cardboard boxes of these posters in his garage and when a new kid moves into the neighbourhood, the other kids tell him to go steal one and he goes and tries, but the ninja model always catches the new kid in the act, but is soooo nice to them and gives them the poster no problem and makes them green tea and serves moon cakes and sends them on their way with a cool riddle to ponder that will teach them about life.

If I grew up to be that guy I'd be satisfied. But I wouldn't have a box full of posters. I don't know what I'd have. Being the neighbourhood cool dude is very important and is something we all should strive for. Responsibilities include, working on your motorcycle or boat in the driveway, having a dirty old fridge full of beers in the garage, throwing the best BBQs where everyone is invited and continually having hot babes over. And you you have to be nice to kids like I said up there.

Now go forth and do what it is you do today after you read this and when you're in a public bathroom next time, make strange noises, so that whoever is in there with you will have a story to tell his/her friends. I'm gone in a cloud of smoke!

I'M AT WIT'S END WITH MY PALS AND A COUPLA ORANGE CRUSH POPPIES

There has to be something wrong with my hands. They're always cold. No matter what. I'm tempted to start wearing gloves indoors just like this weirdo named Gordon who I worked with as a teen. And I can't stop touching this beard. I'm a cold handed beard toucher. That's all I am. This is what it has come down to. A doctor would tell me to shave my beard and eat more soup probably.

Speaking of soup, I think one of my dream jobs would be a friendly soup man. Like I have this tiny, shitty restaurant like Ghandi on Queen, but I'd have the best soups that I make myself and I have all these regulars and I know their orders off by heart. I'd carry a really wide assortment of exotic beverages like Irn Bru and South American fruit juices and sodas like the one the Hulk makes in that Hulk movie last summer. If I can't assemble soup recipes I'd like to do the same thing but with sandwiches instead and all the bread would be made by my mom who makes bread like Hollywood couples make twins. My mom's main talents are bread and bagpipes. If you ever need a bagpiper you know where to find one. My dad started woodworking again. His other hobbies over the years have included stained glass, making pickles and collecting remote controlled tanks. If you have any questions regarding the above hobbies, you'll probably find all the information you need on the Internet, but if not then give me a call and you can request an audience with the patriarch of our clan.

I wish I had a 100% passion for being a soup and sandwich man because then I could concentrate all my money and time into it. I think I'm waiting for something to happen, rather than being proactive and making something happen for myself. It's probably because work sucks my soul out of my face, so when I get home all I want to do is eat and watch movies like a college girl. One of these days I'll get around to writing more scripts with hopes of selling one and then living on the beach the rest of my life. That's probably dream #1. That or win the lottery. Do you even know how happy I'd be if I won the lottery????

Realistically, I'd first scream and dance around like crazy. Second, I'd call my family and third I'd probably go treat myself to 5 steaks or something like that. I'd quit my job and book a vacation. That's the plan! Oh yeah, I'd also throw a party for all my friends with the biggest buffet you've ever seen featuring foods of the world.

I don't like this entry very much I don't think, but you might have liked it. You've learned a little more about me and my immediate family and you know know a bit more about my hopes and dreams. This was more of a information session for the die hard fans out there if such people exist. There's coffee and pastries in the corner and your name tag and session schedule can be found under your seat. Our host for the evening is Professor Gregor Chocolate of the University of Salt Lake City who will be guiding is through the ins and outs of What I Did and How I Am. A Q&A with myself will follow along with a free treat courtesy of Nestle Canada. The treat is Smarties. How have Smarties and regular M&M's remained popular for so long??? I predict extinction by 2025, which isn't that far away!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH





That first thing should've read "STOP CLIMATE CHANGE OR YOU TURN INTO A FISH MAN. WAIT...THEN WE COULD BREATH UNDER WATER. SO SICK. PUT YOUR TRASH ALL OVER AND DRIVE MORE CARS"

I GOT THE HIPPY SHAKES AT THE GYM TODAY. GOOD SET.

How come lotteries haven't embraced the Internet yet?? If I could buy lotto tickets online I'd probably buy them all the damn time, which isn't really a good thing for me unless I win, but it is a good thing for the lottery people and the Internet people. No sympathy for those guys though. They both provide services that the people of Earth by no means need to live. Maybe the lottery isn't on the Internet because they don't get along with each other. The Internet is like, "we may be a non-essential service, but we're getting there and we may be over priced, but at least people get something in return no matter what unlike you."

Then the lottery people respond by saying:

"We don't need you! And people get something out of the lottery no matter what - the exhilaration of playing and anticipating a win. Have you seen those Bingo commercials? Grab some tea, find a quiet nook and play away. It's about the experience. We're never doing business with you. People love filling out lotto slips at their local convenience mart and our market research proves it!"

"And how did you conduct this market research??" asks the Internet.

"Well, we started by emailing random citizens a web based sur..... Dammit!" responds the lottery.

"You will always be our slave."

Or maybe it's that the guy in charge of the lottery is really old and still uses typewriters and pneumatic tubes instead of email.

"Computers? Never use 'em. I've also never used a microwave, a blender, or an auto with an internal combustion engine."

"How old are you sir?"

"Two hundred."

"How do you survive?"

"I don't know, ask my manufacturer."

"You're a droid?"

"No I meant my mom, she's real old. Get out of my bunker!"

I guess if he were that old and refused to drive a car he would also refuse to use a typewriter and pneumatic tubes. Factual inconsistency. Too bad there's not a guy who drives around on horse and carriage and refuses to use technology but is really rich so people treat him with respect. In my perfect world there would be four of those guys called "The Gentleman" who each run a city and they throw a ticker tape parade every Sunday to make people realize that the Internet and TV is no big deal and that parades have all the entertainment value of every DVD combined. They'd be the most fabulous parades the world has ever seen:

- Enough stadium seating for everyone so no one has a bad seat
- wild animals doing tricks
- free food all over, old style (popcorn, peanuts, cracker jacks, hot nuts, candy apples, candy floss, fried pickles, you name it)
- several marching bands
- the best clowns in the world, but not Cirque de Soleil clowns, the good old fashioned kind who teeter on the edge of being really funny and really scary
- the best magicians who make all sorts of things disappear. In fact, that's all they do. And pull things out of hats and stuff
- Floats the size of skyscrapers

And at the end, the "Gentleman" that runs the city flies in on a bi-plane and throws money to everyone and then there's a free concert by a modern band because "The Gentlemen" relate to current music trends. World peace achieved.

FLAVOURS PEOPLE LIKE THAT I DON'T REALLY LIKE

1. Apple Cinnamon - Tastes like grandma's doilies.
   
2. Mint chocolate - If I'm going sweet, I'm going all the way. Mint just cools things down. It's a damn cop out. That being said, I do enjoy After Eights because I'm a mature adult.
   
3. Vanilla - Nothing in life is as boring as vanilla ice cream.
   
4. Black licorice - I guess most people don't like it, but I needed another one.
5. Coconut - I like real coconut, but I hate that stuff in Bounty Bars. Dried coconut. I don't like dried coconut.

There you have it you hot dogs, a timeless post for the Age of Aquarius. Peace, love and Extreme sports.

HOLD THE PHONE, THAT MAN OUTSIDE IS HOLDING A BIG SIGN

Hi there. Nice boots. Are those real eel? You can eat those when you grow out of them or when they go out of style. Probably never will though. Look at those brass buckles. Don't eat those. What's that? They're made of marzipan? You are a piece of work mom.

That paragraph is a distraction!!! LOOK OUT



Okay captains, onto real material. The good stuff, covered in sour powder that coats cherry blasters that take your taste buds on a hang glider ride through the rain forest and you fly down really close to the tree line and sometimes, just sometimes, you can catch a glimpse of a fat bug.

Last night I saw that modern film "I Love You Man" starring some current movie stars. First off, let me take some time to complain about popcorn sizes at AMC theatres. If you want to buy popcorn here are your options:

Small - Literally a cup of popcorn. It's served in a cup. I think.

Medium - A small bag

Large - A gigantic bag

You see, I went to get us seats while that girl Liv got snacks (food (treats)). We had a large debate as the whether to get a medium or a small popcorn, which is a great little thing to eat with a movie. I convinced her to go with the medium because I saved a dollar by using an ancient student card that qualified me for the student rate and the medium was a dollar more so it just made financial sense. When she arrived with the snacks I was mad because I thought they screwed her and gave her a small but then I saw a couple eating corn out of a cup and I realized the system was broken. Unless they just asked for a cup. But I did some solid looking around and I'm pretty sure I'm right. It's all a screw job, because next time I go I'll have to get the large because I don't want the 'medium small', it wasn't enough.

Unlike the popcorn sizes at AMC, the film made sense and was enjoyable. I'd compare it to a spring day that starts with a tray of muffins. You can interpret that any way you like. That's what life is all about brother. Seriously though, I think making someone muffins in the morning is the nicest thing you can do. Coffee? No big deal, everyone does that. Eggs? As normal as cars on the road or gummi worms in the pantry. Cinnamon buns? The good folks at Pillsbury usually handle most of the work. But muffins are so old fashioned and granny-esque and they smell real good but not so good that you freak out like you do with cinnamon buns and not so bad for your teeth or your diabetes. Muffins guy. Make me some. You can eat two or four and it's all good because there's wheat, there's bananas, maybe carrots, some oats if you please. It all adds up to a warm hug on a hot day.

DVD commentary

Whenever I try to write the titles of these, nines times out of ten I think of something involving the word "cheese". Here are some other things with cheese in it a lot: crust at Pizza Hut and entertainment starring Patrick Dempsey. Even that one where he plays a dweeb.

KEEPING YOU FRESH ON THE HAPPENINGS OF ME EVEN THOUGH ME THINGS AREN'T NECESSARILY GOOD THINGS

Writing these things on Monday mornings are always tough carrots because all I want to do on a Monday morning is lie down on the floor, sprawl out, and howl "noooooooooooooooooo" like a werewolf who realizes that he can't turn back into a werewolf anymore because the spell is over or the moon exploded. This is because the weekend is generally fun and relaxing, while the work week is generally uninteresting and soul crushing. It's not that bad, but for the purposes of entertainment, just imagine that it is.

Here are several variations of a weekend review, as part of my contemporary art project, "Changing Seasons, Changing Minds - Recounting a weekend several different ways in a blog".

First, the standard abridged version talks about Friday:

- came home from work
- nothin' was cookin'
- watched Paradise Hotel and ate poutine

This version is popular with moms on the go and students enrolled in post secondary education who need a quick fix before heading to the quad for stimulating conversation and some hacky sack and/or Frisbee. You can identify the abridged version by the use of the Greek symbol "-" and the use of sentence fragments.

Secondly, for Saturday I present the 15 year old girl version or the overly excited about banal things version:

Oh man! So Saturday, I got up and decided it was a nice day to go eat breakfast somewhere because it's the weekend baby and I didn't want to cook! That's a totally Tuesday thing (cooking). Me and my girly ate some eggs at a great spot and then strolled through Kensington Market where things are sooooooo cool and so multi diverse and exciting and I saw so many people just doing things and smiling and being so good to each other. I played NHL 09 for the next couple of hours, which you all should try because video games aren't just for the nerds anymore or the losers, they're so fun and all the celebs are doing it in Hollywood where all the stuff happens that I want to happen in the world today honey.

THEN I went to Phil's BBQ with a few of my besties to eat meats and talk about all the latest news in the world of my friends which is soooo fun and we don't do it enough and your friends are your soul centre and you should never ignore them and you should support them no matter what happens ever. So exciting! LOL. We went to our friend's house to watch hockey and we had so much fun just chatting and enjoying life and the game of course. Then we watched the last half an hour of Return of the Jedi, where Harrison Ford is an absolute dream and headed off to our favourite club, Ted's, to argue about Battlestar Galatica while I held my hands over my ears because I haven't seen it yet, so funny LOL for sure, LOL all over the place.

---------------------

That was exhausting. Teens probably type a million times more during the day than we do because they type like that up there and have several computing devices. High school nowadays is probably way different than when you or I went. Do any teens read this? If so, contact me for a new segment called "Teen Talk" where I ask you questions about high school so everyone here over the age of 24 can say "what?! That's crazy! Cell phones in gym class? Computer black boards? Palm Pilot lunch specials? Interface Mead Five Star Notebooks? Internet chalk?"

Finally, Sunday, as interpreted by Michel Gondry

Allo! Je m'appelle Meesheeelll Gondreeeeeeeee. Glenn went to search for lost love and the caliber of the soul again for some new clothes but couldn't find any but he bought the importance of his dinner dat night at the store of dreams. Himself and his star in the sky of the night of kings cleaned their apartment with music in their hearts and dirt in their nails and brains as the soap continued to fizzle down to nothing again showing the cycle that we all go through to get to be complete. Glenn prepared a sumptuous meal that bared his flesh and took him back to Thailand where he's only been in his mind and in his bones and they ate while the birds ached and strained in the Spring chill in the March bog. Glenn then went to the follies show where a man from TSN - The Sports Network was there to present a spectacle of smiles for the people and he had fun before returning home for a slumber of three jewels.

Here's a quick bonus abridge version because Michel is a French weirdo:
- went to find some new clothes but didn't really feel like it
- came home and cleaned everything
- made a Thai curry dish
- went to Sunday Night Live hosted by my favourite Sports Centre personality, Jay Onrait. He's a great man and a funny man
- came home

Today we all learned so much and had so much fun with everything and everyone. Hey that rhymed and I seriously didn't mean it to. That would be a great song for the end of a children's variety show. I'll get working on a pitch based on that rhyme alone. When they pitched "Cheers" all they had was a glass of beer and a playing card. When they pitched "Friends" all they had was a babe who showed her tits big time. How else would it have got on the air?? WHAM. Huge take down of Friends. See you 2 more ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhi.

TRYING TO DRINK MORE WATER GUYS

You know when a new technology comes out and at first it's really expensive, and so you wait a couple of years until it's way cheaper? Imagine some guy did that with the Internet? But he (or she I guess) was like "I'm going to wait until this thing gets REALLY good". And then he goes on the Internet today finally and wasn't all that impressed? I wonder what part of the Internet they'd find most useful and/or fascinating...

I'll bet they'd be most impressed with ordering things online, or something simple like that. They'd be very underwhelmed by Facebook and Social Media and all that I bet because they wouldn't understand it at first and since they've probably heard people talk about it a lot it would be a big let down. They'd like porno, but be mad that a lot of it you have to pay for because they wouldn't know where to get it for free right away. I think he'd like all the general information. I think that's why I like the Internet the most. If back in the old days you needed to know something stupid you'd either have to call someone, go to the library or consult an encyclopedia, which only rich people had. The game has changed. I can find out anything right now. Watch this:

"When was Hulk Hogan born?" August 11 1953.
"How big do beavers get?" Depends. Are we talkin' North American Beaver, European Beaver, or GIANT BEAVER:

"The North American Giant beaver (Castoroides ohioensis) was one of the largest rodents that ever evolved. About the size of a small American Black Bear, it disappeared along with other large mammals in the Holocene extinction event, which began about 13,000 years ago."

That's totally awesome.

What a good, thoughtful intro!

NEWEST THING THAT'S FRUSTRATING ME

Vacuum bags! We have this vacuum that's not a major brand (dirt devil, hoover, your mom ahahahahaha because she sucks ahahahahah) and I realized that there's no bag inside so all the dirt gets stored in the vacuum itself, which isn't right. Not having any experience with vacuums, I bought some bags from Canadian Tire that looked closest to the ones depicted on the vacuum. I then found out that bags are very specific to specific vacuums. I found the bags I needed on the Internet, but the shipping costs were astronomical, so I called a couple stores in Toronto. The first guy barely spoke English and told me he needed the model of the vacuum before he could help me although I already told him. Then he said to call back when his brother, who speaks better English, comes back. What kind of a business is this? "I'm going on vacation. Benji, you're in charge"

"I don't speak English bro"
"Yeah well we sell vacuums and vacuum accessories. It ain't brain science"
"What's a brain?"
"Ah geez"

I called another man and he said he'd check with his suppier. He actually called back and said no go. So I'm either going to have to pay up the "wazoo" for vacuum bags off the internet, keep using it with no bags, or buy a new vacuum that someone's heard of (Hoover, Dirt Devil, you, because you're popular!!).

CULTURE REPORT

My friend Jon has a comedy team with a girl named Amy called "Life of a Craphead" and they just got back from a comedy tour on the west coast, and last night was their homecoming. The first half of the show I was sitting on the floor and it was crowded and my ass hurt so bad because my ass has no padding, hence taking pictures was impossible. The second half I wised up and leaned against a wall. Here's a picture of Jon and Amy doing their "thing":

I had two beers.

I love Skittles so much and I hate the Bud Light commercials with Budd Light so much. Have a good weekend and don't stay up past 4 pm.

A COMMENTARY AND A REALLY SILLY THING

I walk next to the Air Canada Centre to and fro work and when I leave in the evening I usually have to endure some sort of crowd who is there to take in some sort of event. Based on the demographic of people outside the arena last night I correctly guessed that a female pop star was in town. BRITNEY. Britney Spears. I saw one young girl, maybe 14 or something and she was wearing a really tight skirt that went up to her private parts and she was with her family. Speaking of vaginas and Britney, I saw some pictures the other day of her holding her kid while wearing a bikini and her vagina was showing. I'd like it if she just accepted her role as bad mother and crazy idiot and started feeding her kids beer in public and shrugging a lot and maybe doing something like writing a really dumb parenting book that was mostly just pictures of her singing. But I guess that's bad for those kids of hers. Realistically those kids are going to grow up to be a couple of shit heads probably. Here's the math:

First the formula:
DNA + Upbringing + Money/spoildness = How someone will turn out

Then plug in your numbers:
Keven Federline/Britney Spears + Insane upbringing in the public eye with a psycho and an idiot as parents + as much money as they want = A coupla shit heads

So Britney, go ahead and start feeding them beer now because they're bound to endure at least one bout with alcholism down the road. Just get it over with!


FAN MAIL

Dear Mr. Noth,

My friend Bill says he knows your sister Kelly. Do you know Bill? I'm coming to L.A. in October and maybe I can stay with you. I love your work and I'm very excited to meet you.

Your fan,

Krum Troth


From The Desk of Chris W. Noth, actor

Dearest Krum,

I know not this 'Bill' you speak of, nor do I have a sister named 'Kelly'. That being said, I'd love to you have you stay at my compound this fall. You sound very engaging and if you are a woman, I'd be honoured to make love to you when the moon is high and the armadillos are asleep in their iron pens. Bring only what you need to survive as well as some treats for my servants. To find the compound follow Lardman's Path northeast into the Forest of Grimtron. Hold the amulet to the sky and follow the ruby beam. My house is the third one you'll pass. I look forward to our rendezvous.

Sincerely,

Law and Order's Chris Noth


Dear Mr. Noth,

I'm a guy. I go to Ohio State University. This all sounds pretty cool, but I don't have an amulet. I don't know what you're talking about.

Yours,

Krum


Hello boy,

You aren't the warrior I thought you were! If your heart is true and your soul thick, then you will travel to the east and find the Dark Blacksmith in Volcano Valley where he forges only the most beautiful but evil amulets in the Bogfrot Kingdom. Do that and you can stay. It's really nice in L.A. right now! See you soon!

- Chris

I found those letters in an old cigar box in my grandparent's attic along with some gold coins and a cool map that turned out to be fake. This has been FAN MAIL.

Enjoy your sunny day Earth. In space every day is sunny but freezing. I suppose. Sort of not. Depends how close you are to a star. Science in your face. Stay extra safe today.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE READING THIS YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL THE SAME AS WHEN YOU CAME IN UNLESS YOU WERE REALLY UPSET BEFORE OR REALLY HAPPY. THIS IS NEUTRAL.

I didn't go drinking last night so the Empire Strikes Back viewing party commenced. I'm a huge Star Wars fan and have been for several years. I have boxes full of toys, and once went to a convention where I met the guy who played Darth Vader. Not James Earl Jones, but David Prowse, who was cast based on his physique and nothing more.

That's him looking really dumb. That's me wanting the picture to be taken so I can get out of there.

As a huge fan, it's tough to watch one of the films with someone who has never seen it before because you want them to pay attention all the time and you keep looking at them to make sure they're enjoying it. Ever seen that episode of How I Met Your Mother when those two guys want that girl from Scrubs to watch Star Wars? That's a fairly accurate, albeit over the top depiction of what it's like. So I was kind of stressed.

In the end Liv gave a unenthusiastic thumbs up, noting, "it was way better than the first one". She should have said "4 stars!" because Empire Strikes Back is the greatest film in history. It could be classified as a drama, a sci fi epic, a comedy, an action movie, a blaxploitation film, a buddy picture, a romance and simply as a piece of art. But that's just me.

How about that thing with AIG that's going on? I know there's probably more to it, but doesn't it make you so mad that you want to get up and run down the street punching everything you see, screaming "what's going on!!" and flailing your arms and running into a store and stealing all their gum? These AIG guys and that guy Madoff are the worst guys. How much money do you need? I probably make as much as they do in like a few days and I'm fairly content. They should be sentenced to something. Like they have to take a course on how to be a nice guy and they have to live as a homeless person for a year and be visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future. Or better yet, they should just drop those guys off in the middle of a hard workin' town and the town can do whatever they want to them. Like teach them how to be content with not a lot of money, or simply beat the shit out of them. It's up to the town. Maybe they'll fall in love with the town just like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. That's it! We'lll Groundhog Day them. But we'll have to find a shitty day. I guess the day where they don't get their million dollar bonuses. I'm ramblin' here. It's time to sum it all up:

Two nights ago I finished reading Steinbeck's "Cannery Row" and there's this great part where this guy Doc goes:

It has always seemed strange to me...The things we admire in men, kindness and generosity, openness, honesty, understanding and feeling, are the concomitants of failure in our system. And those traits we detest, sharpness, greed, acquisitiveness, meanness, egotism and self-interest, are the traits of success. And while men admire the quality of the first they love the produce of the second.

I think that sums up why I never saw business or law or accounting or anything like that as being an avenue I'd like to pursue. Real Estate too. A lot of dick heads in real estate I'm sure. You have to be a dick head. They're not all dick heads I guess, but even the non dick heads have to be dick heads to the dick heads, otherwise they'd go nowhere. That's a real good spot to leave on. Now you're thinking about all sorts of things I hope. Do you have a song in your head yet today? How about "Constant Craving", get that in your head. We'll all do it and by the end of the day the whole city will be singing it in the street!

ST. PATRICK'S DAY SPECTACULAR

You know what today is? Billy Corgan's birthday and St. Patrick's Day! Which one do you celebrate more? I'm pretty equal. In the morning I shave a lot, squeal a bit and write bad poetry, and at night I drink Guiness and punch others.

Seriously though, seriously, the last couple of years I haven't been very into St. Patrick's Day probably because I don't drink as much as I used to thanks to this stomach of mine that manages to thwart every attempt at a good time (drinking a lot, eating a lot, going on barf rides). But in my younger days I loved St. Patrick's Day, mostly because I got to show off a variety of Irish fashions. I pride myself on having an outfit for every occasion, which is why I never like throwing clothes out. Let's see if I can find some examples.

Here are two St. Pat's days of yore. I don't know the years, but they're both in Toronto so sometime in the last 4 years I guess. The highlight of the ensemble is my green jacket that I wear for most special occasions. If you're a true fan, you may remember it in that picture of a New Years that I posted last week or something. It was originally bought for St. Patrick's Day along with a big Notre Dame sweatshirt that I think I threw out. I look festive though right? The Boston Bruins shirt? Boston - Irish people. Get it? We had some great parties in Hamilton on March 17. I remember one where I was standing on a table at a bar, ripping down decorations and screaming my head off.

Side Note

TLC keeps getting worse and worse. On Thursday there's two separate shows on Tree Man again followed by Mermaid Girl. Then they showed this promo that goes something like: "If you thought having 8 kids was crazy (referring of course to Jon and Kate), check out Table for Twelve !"

They can't do that. They already have a show about 18 kids. You can't go from 18 back down to 10 (there's 2 parents and 10 kids). You gotta raise the bar. Why would I watch the twelve show when I have 18? I don't get it. What makes them so special? They better be the funniest.

Also, I used to respect Jon and Kate for being good parents, but since this show is still on I've had to rethink my position. Now I'm not Dr. Phil McGraw, but they clearly haven't thought about how growing up in the public eye on a TV show will affect their kids. I guarantee one of those 8 will end up messed up in one way or another. One or two seasons? Fair ball. They make some money and save it for college or whatever. But it's been like 4 years. The little kids don't know a life where cameras aren't following them around and that doesn't seem like a good thing to me. They don't even work any more and just moved into a $1.3 million mansion, so they're not exactly "normal" anymore. And Kate's hair???? The WORST!!!

Back to the St. Patrick's Day stuff

I don't know if I'll do anything tonight, but if I do I'll try to remember to take pictures. The back up plan is to force Liv to watch Empire Strikes Back provided that I supply snacks. I sealed the deal with the stipulation that I be allowed to give a short, 10 minute presentation before the movie with recaps of the previous film (or films if you count the prequels, although nothing happens in them and they suck shit out of a guinea pig's dick). This event will be moved to Wednesday pending beer soaked celebrations. Happy birthday Billy.

Love,

The Terminator

MORNING IN POO CITY STARTS STINKY BUT FRESH

I spent the bulk of the weekend in Sarnia Ontario to visit some of Liv's family. She's from there. We took Toronto's TTC subway to Mississauga first to pick up my old man's car. Once in the suburbs we were immediately greeted by my mommmmma with fresh pumpkin bread she made, which I imagined as being fuel for me! Fuel for car is gas. Fuel for Glenn is pumpkin bread. Car had fuel, Glenn had fuel, time to hit the road.

We listened to Howard Stern all the way to through Southwestern Ontario as the vehicle is equipped with Satellite radio. Here's a quick pic of said car that I took when we stopped for some delicious nectarines at a local hot spot:



hahahahahahahahaha that's kind of like prop comedy.

I wish I could say something interesting happened on the way there, but it's one of the most boring drives ever and I almost fell asleep.

We arrived safely and went to Wendy's and Value Village, where I bought a new shirt with a jet plane on it, then had a SOLID visit full of chips and wine and beers and talking and dinner. When night fell we took in that movie "Man On Wire" about this crazy man who tightropes across the World Trade Center. This is a great film and you should all watch it, especially those of you who are into tightrope walking. But don't worry, you don't need to be to enjoy it. It's a documentary and if you're scared of heights this will make you go WAWAWAWAWAWA. I'm scared of heights and I said that.

The next day we left early because I wanted to make it to my ball hockey game. We listened to more Howard Stern and I felt like a guy who just went on a roller coaster after eating a lot of pickles and cinnamon because his friends dared him. So yeah, my stomach felt cruddy big time. That's what I meant up there with the whole pickle thing. I didn't want to simply say "I felt like shit" because that's not what wins championships. Anyway, I thought the stomach thing might have been because I was nervous for the show I was to host that evening. That's what I'm talking about next. It turns out my stomach was really shitty. Once nervousness was stripped, shitty feeling remained. Onward!

Doing comedy on stage by yourself is a very tough thing to do. You don't really get a chance to bounce your ideas off anyone beforehand so you don't know if it's going to be funny and when you're up there and things go awry you can't turn to anyone and blame them. I was very prepared for this show and all things considered, I wasn't too nervous about it. And I think it went pretty darn well. I got looser and looser as the show went on, maybe a bit too loose toward the end, and people laughed, which is the goal, along with having TOTALLY hot babes pat you on the bum bum after. I only got one from Liv, but one is all you need. I'm usually really hard on myself, so if I thought it was good, it probably was.

All in all it was a very successful weekend. Everything that happened combined with the weather making a turn for the better allows me to give this weekend 5 Oxi Clean guys out of a possible 6!

1 guy
2 guy
3 guy
4 guy
5 guy
out of 6 guy

Tune in tomorrow for my St. Patrick's Day special featuring music by "The Green Irish Beer and Potato Lucky Shamrock Stereotype Band" and a message from non Irish celebrity, former NBA superstar Scottie Pippen. If you don't have to go to work today then don't. Why go if you don't have to right? I have to.

SUNDAY FUNNIES

What do you call Spiderman crossed with Bob Dylan??

The web singer.




That was bruuuuuuuuuuuuutal!

Go outside please

CASE OF THE FRIDAY SILLY'S AND I ALSO HAVE ALZHEIMER'S

Before launching into anything remotely serious, let us first delve into the silly. Remember when I was talking about the DaVinci Code the other day? Well it seems my investigative mind has solved yet another cypher - that of the letter "B". Instead of explaining the complex mathematics involved in reaching my conclusion using words, I thought it would be more fit to demonstrate visually:

See that!? If you turn the letter 'B' around one quarter turn, you get a visual representation of two of the letter's most famous words! BOOBS. BUTT. B. Isn't that neat? That stuff coming out of the B Butt is either poo or a fart. Use your imagination. In conclusion, the letter 'B' was specifically designed to represent a butt and some boobs, sort of like how in the DaVinci Code all those symbols mean vaginas and girls and Mary. CASE CLOSED. Eat your FART out Tom Hanks. mar mar mar.

Have you guys seen that new commercial for Australia? Let me see if I can find it...

AHAHAHAHAHAHA

I did find it! And wouldn't you know it? Directed by BAZ fuckin' Luhrmann



That makes sense. I hate this ad. Here are the reasons why:

First of all, they wasted their damn money. You don't need to advertise Australia. Everyone wants to go there. Who doesn't? It's exotic, it's warm, it's beautiful, they speak English there, they're nice, they're funny, they like beer, they're attractive, they have funny animals... and the list goes on. And if you are going to advertise Australia, don't waste $2.5 million dollars, or however much that monstrosity up there cost, just spend a few bucks and simply remind people that Australia exists. Here's my Australia ad:

HEY, REMEMBER AUSTRALIA?
Yeah, it's still a great place, come see

Second of all, doesn't this ad remind you of that part in the Mr. Plow episode of the Simpsons when Homer pays for an ad and it's all weird and stupid? Like it's overly artistic? That's what this ad is all about and I'm not at all surprised that Baz is behind it. I hate everything that guy has ever done.

I'd love to go to Australia one day, but if I do go I hope I meet people like this:





and not people like this:



For all you statistic dweebs, I was checking out Stat Meter and noticed that the most popular Google image that brings people to this blog is a picture of pizza that I used in this post. This once again proves the wonderful things that pizza can do. It also shows that pictures of pizza are in high demand for some reason. Not chicks, pizza.

And that's all. This weekend I'm going to Sarnia to visit Liv's dad and then on Sunday I'm very excited to be hosting "The Loner Show" at the Rivoli at 9pm. Come by if you want and watch me host for the first time on my favourite show. It's a night of solo comedy without standup. Now you're up to date! Enjoy a weekend on me.

FRIDAY THE 13th, YOU'RE DEAD!!!!!!!!

FRUIT PUREES AND HORSE BARNS EQUAL.... NOTHING. THEY DON'T EQUAL ANYTHING

Since it's snowing today, I thought I'd share a special holiday memory with all of you. Get into the Christmas spirit - boil some egg nog, braise some reindeer, decorate your car and think about Santa and his signature beard........ got it? Got the spirit?

One year during high school me and some friends got the idea to drive around and take people's Christmas decorations off their lawn for some reason. I forget why. We made sure to only take them from wealthy people because wealthy people don't care about anything but money, big cigars, lobsters, the stock market and imported cars, as opposed to less wealthy people who genuinely care about their plastic Santas etc. We got quite a haul of stupid stuff and then stored it all in my garage.

Needless to say, my mom wasn't too happy about our little project. Again, I don't remember what we were planning on doing with all the stuff, but whatever it was my mom ordered me to return everything. Fair ball. Being the opportunists that we were back then, a new plan arose, which was to return the stuff but in a humorous fashion. We couldn't very well just knock on someone's door and say, "sorry, we took this floppy reindeer, you can have it back." That would be embarrassing. So instead we wrote a bunch of notes from the items themselves and quietly returned each item. One Santa said something like "I have been away at Winter camp because you weren't treating me fair..." and stuff like that. Each note was fairly lengthy. It is my hope that when the owners found their stuff returned with notes they were left scratching their heads and will tell the story of their lost treasures for years to come. Who would do such a thing? Why would someone do such a thing? Well now you know. Try it next Christmas in your neighbourhood!

Paradise Hotel Season 1 is back on the Slice Network. Please please watch it if you get a chance. I've said it a million times - the best reality show of all time. Everything everyone says on that show is quotable. It's a classic tale of good vs. evil. The only rule? Hook up or go home. It's better than LOST. Guaranteed.



Remember this fuckin' guy?


I remember the days when I'd go to McDonald's so regularly that I always knew what was on their menu. I knew when the McRib was around and what movie they were promoting and what toys were available. Now when I walk by and I see what they have to offer I'm left scratching my head. They have an angus burger? I didn't know that. Last time I ate McDonald's I felt shitty for two weeks. I thought it would cure a hangover but it only enhanced it by a million. The most I ever ate at McDonald's was a Big Mac combo with a McChicken and a Fillet O Fish on the side. I didn't barf and I didn't poo weird either. Nowadays I can't even eat bread without feeling shitty. I overstated there. But still, time is taking its toll on me. Maybe I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Whatever, nothing is going to stop me from enjoying my favourite foods!

Bing bong! Okay that's the end. This week is taking forever to end man. I have a big weekend ahead of me so next week there will be a lot to discuss. Important stuff. Not really. But who cares, I'm committed to writing something. Tip of the day: Buying stuff makes you happy for a bit but i doesn't last. For happiness that lasts, steal as much money as you'll need to live for the rest of your life and that'll keep you happy no matter what.

A HODGE PODGE OF A WHOLE LOT OF THAT GOOD TIME FEELING OF OH YEAH BABY AND SOME OF THAT WOW

Our kitchen at work is a pretty strange place. It seems that within the kitchen, normal rules that govern humanity are null and void. For example, in the human world plastic cutlery is meant to be used once and then disposed of. This is its purpose and as far as I know, most of humanity understands this. At work, some people have decided that this rule does not apply and they choose to put plastic cutlery in the sink or in the dishwasher with the other dirty dishes. I'm all about plastic cutlery, but I don't like it enough to treat it as well as its metal counterparts. I'm sure if you asked a plastic fork how it would like to be treated it'd say something like "just use me and throw me out. I'm cool with that." It's like a kamikaze pilot or a disposable razor or a cigarette.

Some have also decided that used paper towel should not go into the garbage can like in most cultures, but rather in the sink where the paper towel can get even grosser, absorbing all sorts of strange liquids that rightfully belong there. Who are these people? What is their reasoning? Have they ever used a paper towel or a plastic fork before? I reckon not.

You know what else really boils my stew???

CREDITS

Like in shows and movies.

Why are there credits? Why do I need to know who catered a movie? Every time I complete a task at my job, I don't present the client with a detailed list of who did what. That would be silly. So why is it so acceptable in entertainment? It probably has something to do with unions, tradition and the general feeling within the industry that they're the best guys ever because they know how to put together a dumb show or whatever. Screw that. Credits make movies and shows longer, they're boring, and they're just generally stupid. Remember that South Park Episode about the cloud of smugness coming from George Clooney's Oscar speech? That's some additional reading for you guys on this subject. There's also a good b plot in the episode about people in San Francisco smelling their own farts.

Don't get me wrong, I like knowing who was in the movie and maybe who directed it if I didn't already know, but I don't need to know the names of stunt men and best boys because I simply don't care and the only people who do are other stunt men and other best boys. Most people don't even know what most of the credits mean! "Gaffer", "Best Boy", "2nd Assistant Art Department Producer". Frig all that.

I don't think there's much else to say on that subject. Are you with me?

MOVIE REVIEW - WATCHMEN (2009)

Facts:

I've read the graphic novel
The graphic novel did NOT blow my toes to smithereens, but I did like it

I thought the film was very well done because adapting such a tale is like trying to fish for sharks using a reed and a safety pin, the safety pin being the hook. Your bait it normal though. You still have good bait. Good shark bait. The odds aren't that bad. That being said, I don't think it was a great masterpiece of a movie. It required too much back story and I really think they could have trimmed a few scenes, like the sex scene and this one really lovey dovey phluvy scene at the end. It's strange because I respect Snyder for sticking so closely to the source material, but I think I would've preferred it to be shorter at the expense of some small details.

The acting? Out of the park! The only person I thought was shit was Malin Ackerman who played Silk Spectre II. Considering all the crazy shit that was happening I thought she didn't really show much of a range of a emotion. I'm pretty sure she got the job because of her looks and the fact that she was willing to peel her clothes, revealing butt and breast. BUT the other actors? So damn good. Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach was incredible, as was Billy Crudup and Jeffery Dean Morgan. Honourable mention to Patrick Wilson and Mathew Goode. The cast could have been a bit older, but they all pulled it off big time. I loved the fight scenes and the special effects and I didn't even mind the changed ending at all.

I did have to tinkle about half way into the movie, so maybe that's why I felt it was too long.

Overall I give "Watchmen" a 7.8/10 or so. Go check it out at your local multiplex and don't forget that ice cold Coca Cola or Barq's brand root beer to quench your thirst. It could've done without credits though.

TODAY is Wednesday. I hope it's the best Wednesday you've ever eaten. BYE BYE

KEEP THREE PENNIES FOR YOURSELF AND GIVE THE REST TO GREGOR

Do you ever walk home from somewhere on a weeknight and it's kind of early and you see all these people who seem to be going off to wild parties and you think, "Where could these people be going?" like you can't think of a time that you've been out that wild on Tuesday or whatever? That happened to me like 8 times last night. I don't even party like that on weekends anymore, let alone a Monday night.

Have you ever met a cool 'Linda'?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I forgot to mention one thing in my NYC recap. When we went to that trendy Mexican restaurant, we had this corn that was the best corn. It was grilled, and then rolled in this mixture of cheese, spices and lime and bound all together with mayo which also made it stick to the corn. Have you ever had corn of this sort? If you ever get the chance dive right in and your mouth will kiss your mouth. I guess for your mouth to kiss your mouth all you have to do is make sure your mouth is closed. You could tongue the inside of your mouth. French yourself guy. But only after you eat this delicious corn. Or after any other fabulous meal. Give yourself a smooch. Roast beef dinner? Kiss away. Cherry pie? Big time tongue.

It's getting to that point in the year where the last cold day is fast approaching. You never know when it'll be but you can feel it in the air, and every time you leave the house you cross your fingers and tap your dick for luck, and then you get outside and have to go back inside to get your toque because it's still cold and you're pissed. It's all March's fault. It happens every damn year. You try to convince yourself that March isn't a big deal and it's still going to be cold but there's always one really nice day that makes you think it'll stay that way forever, but it never does. Do you share my view, all of you who live in seasonal places? March stinks, right? Maybe it has something to do with the phenomenon known as 'March Break'. When you're a kid growing up in Canada you get a week off in March so you look forward to that shit as soon as Christmas is over. And your mom would always have activities planned and you'd go to the Museum and you'd watch movies and it was the best. Then when it was over you were even closer to springtime. So maybe it's lodged in our psyche. I think that's a good analysis. I'm right. I've decoded the DaVinci cypher thanks to cunning and this hot babe who followed me around and who knows French.

Speaking of which, I know a lot of intellectuals like to knock that book. The DaVinci Code that is. But man, when I read it I loved it! I'm not claiming to be an intellectual, but I do read a lot and I'm not a stupid idiot or anything and I thought the book was a roller coaster ride. I read it in last year university and I remember not being able to put it down and being on the edge of my seat. It was like reading a good movie. But the movie was terrible. I can turn my nose up at the movie no problem. Snobsnobsnob.

That's all for today. My mind was elsewhere so there was a lot of undeveloped ideas, but I hope you still had a fun time. Come back tomorrow please. I have a good list of topics going that will make you spin in your seat and you might fart with excitement and wonder.

A TALE OF MY WEEKEND WITH A BIT OF FLUFF BUT NO LIES, ALL TRUE

You know that thing you can do with your sock where you light it on fire and the lint burns all wicked and it's no big deal and you don't get caught on fire? I was sittin' around on Friday and filmed myself doing a real beauty:



It looked better live, trust me. You've also learned that I have relatively hairy legs and that I like my socks high and tight.

Friends Alex and Ashley came over on Friday to hang. We ate chips, watched the latest television, played that awesome game 'Flower' where you're the wind and you blow these petals around and Ashley showed us this.

It'll make you laugh, cry, barf, piss and think. There's a part two but you can find that on your own. At the end of the day I really feel bad for the ladies in the film because it isn't like they were born that way. They just had the shittiest lives that warped their mind. It's like that show "Intervention". Most of the people on that show seem like normal drug addicts but more often than not it's revealed that they had a tough childhood full of terrible things. It's kind of like the story of Peter Pan, but instead of going to Neverland to find other kids and adventure they go downtown to find any number of banned substances and I guess adventure as well, but not the fun kind.

On Saturday I ate a hamburger and watched "Vicky Christina Barcelona" with my friend Erin. Good not great. Everyone I talk to loves it, but I need a little something more in a movie like an explosion or a long lost son or something. But it was pretty good and I mean PRETTY, get it? Figure that one out for yourselves. I still love Woody. Might Aphrodite has been on the Movie Network lately and what a film!

Next it was off to Whitby to attend my friend Kevin's Jack and Jill party. For those who don't know, this a party an engaged couple throws to make money for their wedding. There are games and food and drinks and activities meant to embarrass the bride and groom. I only knew a few people at the thing, but I had a good time and ate a wide variety of foods such as hot dogs, potato salad, pasta salad, chips, fudge, peanut butter chocolate bars, cranberry cheesecake bars, assorted vegetables and chili. Quite a spread. Shout outs to Maureen and Greg who not only made the tastiest items on the menu but also drove my ass to and fro. They'll receive free fan club packages courtesy of the Canadian Tire Corporation and all of its subsidiaries (Mark's Work Warehouse).

On Sunday I sat around a whole lot, played floor hockey and basically waited around until Liv returned from her sojourn to Florida. She's now tanned and I'm paler than ever. You can see it in the sock burning video. I meant to take pictures documenting this weekend's events for your eyes' sake, but I forgot again, so your eyes can suck eggs for all I care.

That's the weekend. You might have noticed I posted a few things on Saturday and Sunday, which may become regular depending on the alignment of Venus and if I feel like it. Let's all get together for some Crispers soon, okay?

SUNDAY FUNNIES

Click to make bigger so you can see the intricate details of the art.

WEEKEND PRODUCT PLACEMENT

Your product of the weekend is relish.



Now go get some relish for the weekend.

REGULAR STUFF, REGULAR THINGS, REGULAR CHIPS

One thing I love to do is observe normal people who get on TV. Not like some guy who's walking down the street and gets asked about the stock market or the Leafs by the news, but someone who gets on a talk show because they're a bird expert or someone who's a comedian who talks about pop culture and how Amy Winehouse eats gravel instead of food or whatever. Because these normal people or "muggles" or "regulars" or "borings" view being on TV as being a HUGE deal, which it is in a sense, and knowing that thousands of people are going to see them, they try to look their very best. They put on their best outfit, they get their best haircut and they put in their sparkliest earrings, so when you see them on TV you're seeing them in their ideal visual mode. It's sort of like when you go into the Matrix. What does Morpheus call it? 'Residual Self Image'? Here's what Wikipedia has to say:

'Residual self image is the concept that individuals tend to think of themselves as projecting a certain appearance.'

Get it? You can't really judge someone by what they wear to work or at home or even out a bar because there are certain rules that govern each of these instances. When I go to a bar I'll dress sexier than I normally do and when I'm at home I don cottons and slippers to maximize relaxation. But on TV one can wear whatever one wants and I think it's interesting to see the choices people make in deciding their ultimate look. So when you're on TV you're basically in the Matrix. That's my thesis.

This doesn't apply to everyone though. Some people look good all the time and some people look like a pile of shit all the time. Charles Darwin defined the rest of the population as "chameleons", based on the popular creature of the same name that can change its colour based on its environment. I'm somewhere in between garbage and chameleon. I can clean up when needed. Check this out:

What a dream car! I wish I still had that sweater vest and that much hair, but time can be a really shitty guy sometimes and I don't hold grudges (against time). Let's do a quick comparison:

I'm gettin' old! That other picture was taken about 4 years ago and that one right there was taken a minute ago. Enough about me. This is getting too vain. Except while we're on the subject, should I get a beard again? I like a beard, except once I get one I can't stop touching it and the girl who likes me most doesn't enjoy it at all. But I'm no slave. I can do whatever I want. I'm too indecisive. I could go on a big rant about how my indecisiveness is the cause of my current career woes but I'll save that for another day.

Is that enough?

Yeah I guess. I think today was insightful and I hope next time you see a normal person on TV you take notice of how the person looks, because it's a great opportunity to see someone how they want you to see them 100%. I repeated my thesis there like in a solid essay. Now I need to close leaving the reader with something to think about. Did you know that pearls melt in vinegar? I just read that!

By the way, you know when you see a crazy guy out in public somewhere and he or she is staring at you and in the back of your mind you're like "I hope that person isn't looking at me because they want to kill me" but they don't end up killing you? That's exactly what happened with that beheading on the Greyhound bus, except the guy got killed! The killer said he chose the guy he did because the victim gave him a glance or something and then God told him to kill. So I'm never smiling at a crazy person again just to be nice. I'm just going to split. Case closed. Judge decided. Gavel down.

THE WEEK THAT WAS PART 4: THE LAST PART UNTIL I GO ON VACATION AGAIN

BEFORE WE START JUST ONE THING BECAUSE I ONLY HAVE ONE DAY LEFT TO RECAP

My roomate/girlfriend/regular friend by default is away this week, so last night I took advantage of my solitude and took a bubble bath. I could take a bath when she's here, but I think an adult bath requires peace and quiet, and if she was here she may burst into the bathroom to utilize the toilet or tease her hair or something and that would ruin the zen vibes I would no doubt attain.

Anyway, once I perfected the temperature of the water, which took a good 10 minutes and resulted in several minor burns, the bath was on and I was in full relax mode with the aim to finish a book I had been reading. Things were going great until I got paranoid that some psycho would break in and rip my nuts off and all that. I was vulnerable. I started hearing noises so as soon I was done my book I got out. I was probably in there for about 20 minutes or so, which is all you really need. There was no psyhco, it was just the heater in the bathroom making creaking noises. But still. A solitary bubble bath is the beginning of a horror movie and I wanted no part of one.

LAST FULL DAY - Time for a show

By Friday more of our friends showed up to do the show. Don't worry about their names, they'll come up later. Plus, you probably don't know them anyway. It's like when you meet someone new and they start telling you a story and instead of saying "Me and my friend did this and that", they say "Me and Scott did this and that" and you're all like "I barely know your name, why do I need to know this friend of yours? Scott? Who is this guy?" Is that a thing? Know what I mean?

We didn't do much except all day except eat $5 subs and prepare for the show at Phil's place and the theatre/gay bar we did it at. Here is what some of that looked like:

That's Phil and Erin and that's Top Gun on TV. Neat, huh?

We did a tech run of the show at the theatre at 4:30 and then we had 4 hours to kill before we had to be back for the show. We killed all 4 hours at a cafe/sports bar across the street and I was starting to get a cold. So things weren't all baby's smiles and lolipops.

We then met up with fellow comedy guys Pat, Bob, Jason and Fraser in a park adjacent to the theatre and as soon as we arrived Bob and Pat got in trouble with the boys in blue for drinking in public. Apparently the whole myth of being able to drink in public in New York as long as you have a paper bag is just that - a myth. The ticket was on $25 so no big deal. I piss $25 guy. You want $25? Who doesn't? What? Money. Power. Food. Ladies. Cool jeans.

The show went on and I think it went pretty darn okay. We did Jet Fighter Pilots and a Polecats set and people seemed to laugh, which is ultimately the goal with comedy. The best part about the whole deal was the the performers got to drink for free, so after the show we all saddled up to the bar and got trashed while playing a heated game of NTN trivia. Shout outs to the nouveau kilt wearing bartender who would serve us our chosen drink without us even asking and was more than happy to pour several tequila shots. Perhaps because of this Andy got so drunk that his words didn't make sense anymore. Outside I got hit on by a gay man which I took as a compliment and then out of nowhere Bob, Jason, Brendan, Pat and Fraser got into a limo, so Andy and I followed and rode for a bit until we realized we had to stick with Stein and Sarah so we could go back to Yonkers that night. Get it? I still don't know where the limo came from, but it happened. We eventually found Stein who had lost his coat and his camera, and in the end we all got back to Yonkers in one piece.

The next day we strapped in for a long, uncomfortable ride and nothing really interesting happened, except Stein left his gas cap at a gas station and when we got to Hamilton we stopped at our old university hangout, "Tally Ho" for some roast beef and gravy sandwiches.

And that's the end of the official trip recap, brought to you by Sony's Playstation 3. Did you feel like you were right there with me? I hope not, because I wasn't particularly descriptive. But if you did I don't mind, it just means you're kind of strange. I hope you enjoyed it though. I hope this wasn't the kind of thing where you came back to the blog every day hoping the recap was over. Did you like the stuff I posted while I was away? Did it satisfy hunger like a Snickers bar? I KNOW IT DID. See you tomorrow, work hard today.

THE WEEK THAT WAS PART 3: A LOT OF TALK FOR ONE TRIP

Are there any current events worth mentioning? I feel I need to stay current to please the teens. How about that Jimmy Fallon? A bit of a rocky start, but I think he'll do well. It's too bad that late night talk shows have such a set format. You'd think one of these days they'd mess around a bit. Mess around Jimmy, that's your strength! Let's continue the journey that I took last week:

DAY 5 - Some local culture

Since New York is full of museums and art galleries we figured we might as well see one and decided on the Museum of Modern Art (MOMA or MuMoMart or ModMart ). By this point in the week our partying and lack of sleep had caught up with us so we weren't exactly thrilled to be walking slowly around a large, quiet indoor space, but we saw some good stuff nonetheless.

Here's a picture of Andy in front of Warhol's the Mona Liza or whatever that is by whoever.

That sentence represents the enthusiasm we shared while at the gallery. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate art, but in order to appreciate it I need to be peppy and full of breakfast, instead of tired and full of one banana, which was all I had eaten all day. I think I had more fun watching the people looking at the art, like this arty couple. The guy looked like Weird Al and after analyzing the shit out of a painting they'd make out for awhile then move on and do it all again.

That evening was our big dinner at Bobby Flay's Mesa Grill. Myself and Andy had been talking about going to this restaurant for a long time since we've always been big Bobby fans all the way back to the "Grillin' and Chillin'" days. If you don't know what I'm talking about, how about you use the Internet, which you're already using, do some research and come back, otherwise you won't get the full experience and you might learn something along the way about restaurants and southwest flavours.

I stupidly didn't take pictures of the food, but here's a shot of the bar with flame decorations. I had Creamy Wild Mushroom Grits and Grilled Mahi Mahi with Roasted Pineapple Cascabel Chile Sauce and Carmelized Pineapple - Green Onion Salsa. Was it good? Sign up for my fan club and find out. Members also receive a monthly newsletter full of fun, games, recipes and exclusive pictures and interviews, and a fan club patch featuring my logo:



But yeah, it was sooooo good. Everyone loved everything and then it was off to see some authentic NYC comedy at the legendary Comedy Cellar.

Some of the comics were quite good, especially this one guy whose name I can't remember and this other guy named John Mulaney who you'd all like I'm sure. But toward the end of the night when the place was clearing out, the comics got worse and worse and more and more the mic was being used as a dick and we left before the last guy finished. He called us computer guys or something as we were leaving because we were in our Sunday best in honour of Bobby and his food and then he took a stab at the way I was walking which was a bit of a strut (something I tend to do). I spit in his face and then finished his set for him. Actually I just walked away, no big deal guy. I'm so thirsty right now.

DAY 6 - Pick up sticks, hang at Rick's

We started the day at the Nintendo World store that by no means blew my balls to outer space. The coolest part was the display case with a bunch of Nintendo history in it. Otherwise it just felt like a section in Wal Mart. So don't go there when you go to New York unless you're way into Nintendo, but even if you are, you'll probably have the exact same reaction as me. In fact, I dare you to go. If you're tits are blown off with excitement then I owe you some Smarties.

It was then time for Stein to live his dream of playing the big piano at FAO Schwarz a la Tom Hanks in that movie 'BIG' about a kid who grows up and then becomes a kid again and when he's a big guy he bangs but he's only 13, so that's cool and gross.

And here he is, surrounded by children, realizing the dream.

Then we went to Central Park:

See? Central Park. Those are the stairs where King Kong got married in the 1950's. Just kidding. In Home Alone 2 Kevin McAllister hid in a trunk down there I think.

On the way back to home base we cut through the Upper East Side where the Gossip Girls live and there was honestly a candy store situated right beside a Puppy Dog store. No joke. It wasn't a pet store. Exclusive puppies. Imagine how many kids cry outside of those store because they can't have a puppy and some candy? Then again, that area is so wealthy that kids get puppies every time they pass. And some Reese's Pieces at the candy store.

We caught a train to Long Island to catch the Leafs vs. the Islanders in a battle of two really shitty teams. Perhaps because of this we got seats in the first row right behind the penalty box, allowing us to do this...

...any time the Islanders got a penalty. As a big hockey fan, I was very enthused with the access I got to the time keeper's box:

There's a phone! TWO PHONES!!! Anyway, the game was fantastic and the Leafs won again in a shootout. I'll probably never have seats as good as those, so you've now had access to a treasured memory. This whole trip will be treasured actually, along with the time I killed a hawk with one hand and the time I discovered that colds can be cured by reading MAD Magazine and eating beans made by Heinz, earning me the Nobel Prize in 1992.

As they say in North American workplaces, "I'll see you tomorrow". It'll be the last day of New York recaps and then we'll get back to our regularly scheduled program, "Henry Knows Breast" about a dad who has three daughters all with big cans and he's also a plastic surgeon who does breast surgery. Is that already a show? That joke has been made before I think. It sounds familiar. Sorry if it has, I didn't mean to.

WEEK THAT WAS PART 2: MORE DAYS OF BEING IN ANOTHER COUNTRY

Yesterday's recap was a touch rushed and I felt it was a bit too pedestrian in its rhetoric. I'm going to try to spruce things up this time around and make things spicier and more exotic, just like a pork dish you'd get at a dog fight in a city like Manila in the middle of August. Sorry Philippines but you're on my hit list today along with rubber boots and big plants.

When I last left off I had just laid down for a drunken sleep following a trip to a bar.

DAY 3 - Functioning while feeling like a pile of burning tires covered in shit with piss steam coming off it

We all got up fairly late on Monday and none of us felt particularly healthy thanks to the liquor we consumed the night before. We went outside to find it colder than an ice cube eating a snowman but trudged on to Times Square regardless. We said "Ooo la la" and then decided to go to the famous Carnegie Deli to eat some food and maybe drink some drinks if we felt like it. I felt like it. I got a Coke. I also ordered the "Woody Allen" which looked like this:

I only ate a quarter of it. Does this make me a pussy? No, it makes me a reasonable man with a reasonable sized stomach. No one at our table finished so we wrapped it all up along with some pickles and stuck it in a plastic bag. We then made our way through the frozen tundra to Rockefeller Center for the NBC Studio tour. At this time we all felt horrible. While waiting for the tour to start, Andy was convinced that one of us had shit our pants because there was a strange smell in the air. Turned out it was just our bag of meat and pickles that we were carrying around, but I wouldn't have been surprised had one of us shit our pants because I almost did. Luckily I found a bathroom, but due to the nature of the excretion, I was worried it would strike again at any moment. Thanks to some Pepto Bismol I weathered the storm. When I was a kid I assumed that Pepto would taste like tomato soup. I also once drank soap because I thought it would taste like fruit punch.

We weren't allowed to take pictures of the tour, but it wasn't that good anyway. The highlight was that we got to go inside Studio 8H (Saturday Night Live) and the lowlight was this British lady who wouldn't shut up about how she lost an earring.

By the time we were done galavanting, we had some time to sit around before our friend Sarah was to take us to this trendy restaurant/bar up the street called "La Esquina". What made it so trendy was that you go into this tiny little diner/taqueria area and then you give your name to this bouncer at a door and if you're on the list they bring you downstairs, through a kitchen and into this bar/restaurant full of young, beautiful trendy types who are drinking and eating Mexican food. We finally got our table and ordered a bunch of delicious small plates, including this:

This is a cricket tostada that Stein, Andy and I tried. Good not great. There was something about those sharp little legs in your mouth. Not bad though. Better get used to eating bugs because when the aliens come and take over our grocery stores you're going to be scrounging for whatever you can find. Go out and east some worms tonight man, it'll do you some good. I don't need to because I already ate crickets.

DAY 4 - A meat feast and some other stuff too

We started off the day by heading downtown so Stein could see Ground Zero/Wall Street/The Statue of Libery, which Andy and I had already seen because we'd been to NYC. Before all that we made sure to stop and check out Ghostbuster's HQ:

That's me standing in front of it, living the dream. We didn't see any ghosts nor any ghostbusters, but this was close enough I guess. That van isn't very exciting. Ghost van?!

We also met up with our friend Pat who was in town selling a TV show and who would be performing with us on Friday at the show. I remember that I was freezing cold. We went to a bar that George Washington apparently drank in and while we were nursing beers we tried to figure out what we wanted to do next. Somehow we decided on going to the ESPN Zone in Times Square to play video games. We should've gone to the Museum of Natural History instead.

The ESPN Zone is a pile of garbage, just like a pair of shitty rubber boots. Seriously. Half the games don't even work and the other half are from 1996. The best game is bowling, but they even messed that up somehow by only having three balls for two lanes. That sounds like it could be hooker code words.

"Whadda got over there Cherry?"

"Three balls, two lanes, four hammers"

That means the hooker is going to have sex with three dudes in two beds and one of them has two dicks equalling four "hammers". That's dumb. Sorry. It could be true though. Just believe!

Frustrated, we went to Pat's hotel room to relax until our Brazilian meat feast. We watched a show called "For the Love of Ray J" which we instantly became fascinated with. It features some of the dumbest women I've ever seen. It also features a really dumb man - Ray J. He's the guy who banged Kim Karshashian and filmed it, you know?

It was finally time for the meat feast which I had been looking forward to big time. You pay $50 and get access to this awesome salad bar that had risotto and sushi and shrimp and stuff and then these waiters bring all the meats of the rainbow on these big spits and you can eat as much as you want AND they serve sides like mashed tates, fried tates, rice, and fried bananas. We had chicken, sausage, ribeye steak, sirloin steak, skirt steak, suckling pig, duck, flank steak, pork tenderloin, lamb, beef ribs and maybe more I can't remember it all. Next time I go I'm not eating anything off the salad bar so I can dedicate myself to the meat. It deserves that kind of respect.

Unfortunately, my weak stomach couldn't handle that much meat and that night I couldn't sleep very well thanks to the constant gurgling and pain in my shit pit. I didn't barf. I pooed though.

That's enough for today. I think I'll need two more days to recap fully. Is that okay with you? There was a lot of poo talk today, which is probably a divisive subject around here. Some of you giggle whilst some of you squirm. It's sort of like watching a show about surgery - it's all natural, but it's still not for everyone. I'd rather watch pooing than heart surgery any day of the week. Talking about poo must have been what I meant when I said I'd spice things up. POO IS THE SPICE OF LIFE. In tomorrow's recap I get into a fight with Woody Allen and I go to the Cosby Museum of Doctor Father Sitcoms in Brooklyn.