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December 18, 2008

BIG UP TO MY MAN TODD COMPUTER WHO IS A TECHIE WIZZZZZ

If there's something I hate more than dogs it's movies about dogs, which is why I'm utterly unamused by the pending release of "Marley and Me" starring Owen Wilson and Jennifer "Undeserving Of Her Level Of Fame" Aniston. What the hell you fart heads? She's on every cover of every magazine this month (actually. I'm not exagerrating) and all she's done is had sex with the world's sexiest man, been on a sitcom for awhile with an influential hairdo and made some unsuccessful movies. Not all dog movies are bad. I liked Homeward Bound, but it co-starred a cat so it doesn't really count and Turner and Hooch isn't bad, but I like Tom Hanks and he's no dog. Hmmmm. Yeah dog movies are garbage. Have you seen the ad for the new straight to DVD Beethoven movie starring Jonathan Silverman? It's got all the same jokes: Beethoven drooling, Beethoven spraying water everywhere, Beethoven shitting everywhere probably, Beethoven using his size to knock things over, etc etc woof woof bark I don't like dog movies. When was the last good cat movie? The Lion King? Yeah, that counts. Garfield? No good. I want to see a cat movie where the cat doesn't talk but still solves mysteries and is owned by a REALLY old man who never really knows what's going on and the cat leaves to save the world and he's gong for like 2 months but the old man is senile so when the cat gets back he's like "Ahhhh Wilf, back just in time for dinner" and then the cat rolls his eyes END CREDITS.

In other entertainment news, everyone's favourite talentless rap man "Soulja Boy" is back with a new song called "The Birdwalk" or something like that. I kind of like how popular American hip hop has regressed back to a time when everyone was coming up with a brand new dance. Back in the 50's it was the Twist and the Watoosie and now it's the Birdwalk, the Lean Back song thing that Fat Joe made because he's too heavy to dance, and several other variations that involve putting your arms in the air and shuffling a little while holding towels. I also like imagining these poor guys trying to come up with a hit single and workshopping new dances:

"Yo yo, how about.....'The Skyscrapa' and you jump up once then make a triangle with your arms and then say 'WAROOOMP' and it'll go something like 'Jump up and down like you makin' this pape-a then put your arms in the air and do tha skyscrapa WAROOOMP"

"Nah man, I don't know. There's no towel waving and if we jump we lose contact with the female's ass."

Right? Am I right? Is that how it allll goes down? Female ass? Get it? they dance dick to butt all the time? Right?

TODAY'S QUIRK

You know what would be scary? If you saw a guy whose moustache matched EXACTLY with his eyebrows. That style is called the "2X4".

TODAY'S PLUG

I think you should put down that cardboard and check out my man Sean's band "Blood Ceremony". If you like Black Sabbath, Jethro Tull, Witches, Demons, guitars, flutes, mythology, wood nymphs, awesome times and rocking out, then they're for you. If you don't like these things check them out anyway and have your mind warped by their musical spells summoned by a crystal ball made of unicorn horn and gnome blood that smokes every time you touch it and sings whenever you start dancing.

3 comments:

highwaisted said...

holy shit blood ceremoney sounds amazing!!!

and yes movies about cats. good call.

Duke of Spook said...

Yeah seriously, it's due time. Pick up Blood Ceremony's self-titled debut in stores now!

Chlo said...

on the other hand, ape movies are the best! maybe it was the fact that I watched it with a group of 11 year old boys who laughed at armpit farting almost as much as I did, but MVP: Most Vertical Primate rocked my socks.

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