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December 10, 2008

WEDNESDAY IS WHEN I AIR MY GRIEVANCES AND IT'S ALSO HOT DOG DAY

OHhhhhhhhhhhhHHhhhhhhhh I ate too much pizza and too many wingies last night and I still feel it sitting in my stomach going rarareawrdkfrr, ohhhhhhhhhhhh so full still. And then this morning there was some dirty old pizza left over still in the box sitting out and I ate some even though I was still full. That was a bad idea. I can't say no to its cheesy delights no matter what state it's in. I also ate an old wing....



You should have read that pizza/wing confession while picturing it being delivered by this little boy and you'll understand how disappointed in myself I am. I remember once I got mad at my mom for something and I scratched the shit out her nice rare piano because I was being a little dickie. Then once I kicked a soccer ball through our kitchen window and I ran away because in my house breaking a window was in the top 5 bad things you shouldn't do.

In the last year I developed this thing where if I'm eating really fast I have trouble swallowing and my throat tightens up. One might say that I'm simply eating too fast, but I've always ate fast so what's the deal doc? It once got unbearable so I went to the Walk-In but the lady didn't understand what I was saying and told me to take Advil. I don't think it's really any better, but I'm used to it now so who gives a care. I'm going to continue to stuff my damn face whenever possible because food brings me the joys and wonders that one feels on Christmas 364 days of the year and then on Christmas it's double trouble because I get Christmas and food combined so 2X pleasures - turkey, gravy, fixins, new toys, sides, new dvds, ohhhhhhhhhhhhh two more weeks!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Remember how I slagged off "Little People, Big World" and more specifically the family's patriarch Matt Roloff? Today I was watching one where this Mexican guy was shoveling dirt for him and he goes (read in funny nasally voice) "You know what I need? A hammock. ahahahahaha, I could just sit there on the hammock and watch you work" and the Mexican guy is COVERED in sweat from shovelling dirt all day and looks at the guy like "what the fuck did you just say Gringo?" So there you have it - the guy is a prick. The rest of the family isn't that bad though, except I have a theory that anyone who is okay with their lives being filmed for purposes of a reality show are sort of crazy to begin with. If I were a teenager again and someone approached my family I'd be like "you guys go ahead, but there's no these cameras are following me around." Picture someone in your high school being on one of those shows and you're watching them at home! Count me out. I think my family would do really well on a general knowledge based family quiz show though. I've got sports and pop culture covered, my brother knows video games, computers and b-movies, my sister and mom know celeb culture inside and out and also know about food and my dad knows everything else including science. Do you produce a game show of this sort? Can we be on? I WANT A MILLION DOLLARS PLEASE.

Here's something that bothers me 100% - when celebrities have babies and they go out partying like a week after giving birth. It happened to Jessica Alba and more recently to Ashley "The Shithead" Simpson. I don't know many people who have had kids, but I do know that those who do would not let that baby out of sight for a good couple of months after birth unless absolutely necessary, and not for a Fall Out Boy concert. She has her whole life to see Fall Out Boy. She lives with Fall Out Boy. It's not like they have a child, but rather a new toy that they get bored of. No wonder these kids grow up to be assholes a lot of the time. They're given stupid names by stupid people and then they're basically abandoned and raised by nannies, but at the same time they have infinity money - they're like spoiled orphans or rich bums or something. I'd love to do a TV show where someone interviews celebrities and just asks things like "Are you for real?" and "What were you thinking?" and "Normal people don't like you. Did you know that? Intelligent people think you're a shithead." I guess they could just respond by flashing a wad of cash and saying something like "You see these green backs? These means I don't give a hoot", but maybe it would get through to some people.

LESSER KNOWN SNACK OF THE DAY

I'd like this opportunity to give a shout out to "Munchos" brand snack chips. You've probably seen them before:



If you're a fan of regular chips then please try them this weekend at your home, office or family reunion in Ajax or wherever. They're sort of like Pringles. They're real crispy and salty, just like your personality!! I'm going to have some today to accompany my tuna bagel sandwich and wash it allllll down with a bottled fruit juice. What kind? I'll decide when I get to the store. Thanks to Orel Roberts University and the Quaker Oats Company for funding today's Snack of the Day. Free notepads and plain oats to all my readers thanks to these two company's generous sponsorship.

2 comments:

cara said...

wow, i've never liked matt roloff either, but i didn't want to say anything bad about him because he's a little person and he's so disabled. he likes to be really bossy, and his voice just grates on my nerves. i like the one teenage boy (the normal sized one) the best. he seems like the coolest kid in the family. the rest of them kind of suck.

Duke of Spook said...

Ahhh come on, Zach is a good kid. The youngest one is a little dick face though

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