December 23, 2008


Hi there. My name is Petey, AKA Bonkers. I'm Glenn's sister's cat and I'm hanging around during the holidaysssss. I like eating coats and opening presents that aren't mine. I'd like to shout out to the cats meow meow out there who are keeping it the fuck real this holiday season and to all the hard working men and women of the armed forces, you guys are true heroes.

Thanks you cat, big up armed forces 2010 'till infinity. The picture you see above is where I will spend most of my time in the coming days. I've probably spent more time in this basement then anywhere else in the world. As I was sitting there last night, freezing my nards off, I got thinking that maybe in the New Year I'll try to watch less television. I thought of the people I know that don't have TVs and figure they must get so much stuff done because there's never a default boredom instrument like a TV to hold them back. Unless they read really shitty magazines. Or maybe they spend all their money on coffees and lunches. I know in my heart of hearts that I'll probably never stop watching TV, and TV isn't all bad, for if I wasn't watching it yesterday I would've never seen a promo on TLC that read something like:

"See this guy's incredible story on...

Half Man Half Tree

followed by...

Tree Man."

Two tree man shows back to back means a merry Christmas to all the good boys and girls everywhere, a round of orange filled socks for me and my friends!

When frostbite starts setting in whilst sitting in my basement, I usually head upstairs to gaze out this window for awhile. There's nothing very exciting about that. I've never seen anything particularly cool. I see cats and cars. Once a school bus got stuck but that was a long time ago. So was feudalism. Modern times guy.

Here's the stocking that gets filled with candy and underpants year after year on Dec. 25. If I designed socks, I would make special Christmas editions that have the pattern of a Christmas stocking but they fit like a usual sock. That'd be sooooooooooo good. People could special order ones with their names on it and like put pictures of their babies and doggies. I also had an idea for a luxurious, cushioned bike pedal for people who live in warm climates! A great compliment to the beach pillow!

You now know exactly what my life is like at this very moment. You just lived me man. How did it feel? Weird? Do you feel weird? If you saw my dad would you think it's your dad? Are you even going to go to the right house when you go home for Christmas? I'm soooooo sorry if that ends up happening, my thoughts and prayers go out to you and yours. If anything goes down, just give me a call and I'll be over with peppermint candy hooks and a thermos full of hot c with extra cloud candy on top. You know what all those terms mean because you're me now. What are we wearing? Yep.. Got it. TREE MAN

Catch my Holiday Special, this week on TLC


cara said...

warning: do NOT WATCH those tree man shows. they're reruns, i saw them a few months ago and they made me want to puke. the tree man then invaded my thoughts at inopportune moments. EWWWWWWWWWW he is so gross.

Duke of Spook said...

Oh I know what tree man is all about. I can't watch that stuff either. I feel bad for tree man

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