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December 2, 2008

DON'T BE SCARED OF ME, MY SNAKE ARMS AREN'T VENOMOUS

This morning I was brushing my chompers, and I noticed two red marks on my neck. BLOOD!!! I ruled out vampires because they're extinct, so my next thought was bed bugs, but they live in your bed and not your shower. Being a vampire wouldn't be too bad. They have a good time all the time and are horny 24/7.

I'm not too worried about it. Bedbugs would rock my world though, what with all those recent Toronto horror stories. I once thought I had bedbugs so I went to the walk-in to get these red bumpies on my body checked out and the frumpy doctor said he didn't know what was going on and yet prescribed me a cream nonetheless. I didn't get that prescription filled and bought a new bed instead. I was planning on buying a new one anyway. I'm not that bourgeois. I don't floss with rubies or anything like that. The most extravagant thing about me is that I shower once a day no matter what, except the odd lazy Sunday. I also like lobster.

So far my plan of doing all my Crispness shopping online has worked out perfectly. A few more purchases and I should only have to go to the mall once. Finding stuff online for my mom has proven difficult. You know how you can tell that a psychic is bullshit? Invite him/her to your birthday party and see what he/she brings you. If it's not what you wanted then they're not the real deal. Most psychics would probably play it safe and bring you money.

"Mysteries reveal this gift from the depths of the brain veins."
"Thanks for coming Phantaspo and thanks for the gift. I guess you knew exactly what I wanted."
"But of course boy, but of course."
"Money!? I'll get you yet Phantaspo"
"Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha. When are you ordering the pizza?"
"It's in the other room."
"Yessss. I predict..... sauce...cheese."
"No duh."

I just burned the roof of my mouth so damn bad. This might be the worst roof burn I've ever had. I made this delicious soup and now I can't enjoy it. Why didn't I blow on it first? Why didn't I try a little nibble? Why oh why did I just dive in? I know better than to do that. I've been eating hot things for 26 years now. Never again. Never again will I make this mistake. I'd kiss a butt for some ice cream right now. I feel like sucking ice. SAAAAAVEEE ME.

It's actually not that bad, but just one of those avoidable things that make one feel like a spaz. I'll live, right? Okay, I'm out of here to complain some more to the people around me that my mouth hurts. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Maybe I'll get another ginger ale. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

3 comments:

highwaisted said...

go on etsy.com and find your mom a gift there.

cara said...

i love this blog SO much. for realz. i could totally feel your pain with the roof burn, though that usually happens to me with delissio pizza.

Duke of Spook said...

Ahhh yes etsy. My friend rebecca sells garbs on there. I'd be unsure about sizing though. My mom is fairly small.

Cara - I agree. Once that baby comes out of the oven it's go time no matter what. I think the burn is better but I'm scared to try anything hot

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