FOR SHINIER HAIR, JUST LET IT GET ALL GREASY

The big time thing that people are talking about right now is Swine Flu and because this blog is all about what's hip and what's now, I thought I'd discuss.

I hope I don't get Swine Flu, but only because it'd be kind of embarrassing. As far as I can tell, it's basically just like normal flu but spreads quicker and has a gross name. I went to this camp up north in grade 7 and got a parasite, which wasn't too bad. I just threw up every so often and my stomach felt weird. The worst part, besides the collection of stool samples, was that the parasite was commonly known as "Beaver Fever", prompting the kids in the school yard to poke a little fun. It also didn't help that some other guy in my class got it too, which led certain wise guys to the conclusion that we were both gay and that the parasite was transmitted sexually during our stay at the camp.

If Swine Flu were called "The Jade Virus" or "Mayan Blue Fever" or something, I don't think I'd mind getting it because it'd make me seem kind of cool. If I met someone with Swine Flu my mind would immediately produce a picture of them rolling around with pigs and eating mud, which is of course ridiculous unless the person I met was from Winnipeg. OHHHHHHHH!!!

This post is too similar to yesterday's about instruments and how their names effect how cool they are. For that I apologize, but as the excellent fantasy adventure story "The Name of the Wind" taught me, names are important. Go read that book guy.

Because I just read "The Stand" which is about a virus that kills most of Earth, the Swine Flu got me kind of scared that I'd be one of the people who dies and not one of the immune survivors who also gain telepathic abilities and take on an old lady as their new God. I felt this way until I read that it's just like regular flu. But we must be vigilant in making sure it doesn't spread too much because babies and the elderly are as good at fighting illness as they are at playing sports or just fighting things in general. Here are some Swine Flu tips I got from some guy handing out pamphlets in the bathroom at work. I didn't recognize him, but he had a nice beard and he greeted everyone by saying "hey cool cat" so I trusted him regardless.

1) Eating pork won't give you Swine Flu unless that pork is covered in Swine Flu. Same goes for beef, chicken, carrots, ice cream and Post Sugar Crisp cereal that's been dipped in Swine Flu - it'll give you Swine Flu.

2) If you think you have Swine Flu, go outside and tell everyone face to face so they know. Give the lads a hardy handshake and the lasses a peck on the cheek so they know you're not joking around.

3) If you know someone with Swine Flu, ensure their dwelling is sufficiently surrounded with garlic bulbs and pine boughs, which will keep raccoons and badgers off their property so they can get the rest they need to get better.

4) In case of a pandemic, don't bother stockpiling food or anything, because if the shit really hits the fan we're all going to need to become farmers and hunters so we might as well start practicing. It also wouldn't hurt to renew acquaintances with the toughest dudes you know so when tribes are formed you get on the right team.

Follow these tips and you're sure to get through this unscathed, unless you end up in a tribe full of artists.

Great tips!

I'LL HAVE THE HAM FLAKES WITH JUUUUST A BIT OF GRAPEFRUIT JUICE ON TOP

I had a bad sleep on Monday night. Here are the contributing factors:

1. It was warmer than usual in our abode so I couldn't really find an optimal blanket exposure level that would keep me at an ideal temperature. I can't sleep without some sort of blanket support and our comforter insulates like a tauntaun's inards so that didn't help, even though I was totally nakes.

2. I live on Queen St. West so there's usually some form of street noise going on outside, which I've gotten very accustomed to over the eight months we've been living there. But last night? OH MON. First, there were the sounds of garbage trucks. Then several sirens. Then a street sweeper that must have gone by at least four times. Sprinkle in the odd shouting asshole and you have a hostile sleeping environment.

3. I rarely drink coffee because it irritates my stomach and then my butt, but I drank some anyway on Monday and I'm sure THE added caffeine didn't do my sleep cycle any favours. You see, when the sandman surfed into my room on his neon snooze board, the caffeine acted as a deterrent and made him barf his sleep puke onto the floor instead of my mouth, get it? That's the whole science behind it.

And then there were the usual songs in my head and thinking about stuff that I usually erase with the reading of a book, which I didn't really do that night. With the heat and the tossing and the sirens etc., I kind of pictured myself in a movie like Lethal Weapon with that cool bluesy music playing and the hot, stinkin' city all around me with neon lights coming through the window and stuff and I'm sweatin' and tossing all about. Catch that vibe? I may be crazy.



I would've liked an example with more horns, but that's pretty much what I was talking about.

Speaking of horns, I've recently had the desire to learn how to play one, namely the trumpet. I think the trumpet would be way more popular if it had a better name because that's why everyone likes saxophones so much.

"Sax" sounds like "sex" and everyone seems to like that.

and

The "ophone" part is kind of funny and sounds quasi-futuristic, and people love laughing and the future.

"Trumpet" on the other hand rhymes with "crumpet", a food usually associated with boring old British people. When I think of crumpets I think of that guy Rumpole of the Bailey, whose namesake television program was the most boring show of all time when I was a kid. All the guy did was complain to his wife about dinner. I do love crumpets though. They suck up butter like a sponge.

The same theory applies to the clarinet. If they were instead called 'Black Scorpions' or 'Dark Nightmares', kids all over would want to play them instead of just shy girls and dweebs. I played the clarinet but it was only because my mom already owned one. No regrets.

So teach me the trumpet and make me sleep better.

IF YOU SAW A RAT THE SIZE OF A WOLF WOULD YOU BE MORE SCARED THAN IF IT WAS JUST A WOLF?

The last couple of days computers have been driving me up the wall and while I'm up the wall the computer drives me bananas and the bananas are brown and shitty. Last night I was trying to install Photoshop and my machine froze several times to the point where I was ready punch something, which only seems to happen when computers act like dick heads or when I have to put together IKEA furniture. The same freezing thing happened when I was at work today and my usually reliable computer kept giving me guff to the point where I had to leave and head for the bathroom to sit and settle down.

That concludes the "What I Did and How I am" portion for today - I screwed around with computers making me feel like garbage. Now I have a little room to freestyle:

At first I wrote a long thing about how I don't understand why auto workers unions complain so much, but I think some people might not like that, and I don't want to whine about something I know barely anything about. Besides, I've got a soft spot for the blue collar man. I worked for 1-800-GOT-JUNK for two summers and at the end of the day when you've been lifting shit all day and you're covered in slime, you take a shower and drink a beer and you feel like a real man. Plus you meet all sorts of colourful characters. Sometimes we'd have to work with temps if our numbers were uneven (2 guys to a truck, get it?) and these guys were usually down on their luck and only qualified to work manual labour but couldn't get stable work due to the tough lives they lived. Here's a description of one such dude from a May 1, 2005 LiveJournal:

Worked with a temp who has 6 kids, is dating a 28 year old, drives a purple corvette and wants to plant rare trees on the land he owns

There was also this guy we called "The Hulkster" who had a Hulk Hogan moustache and a decent mullet and he was really nice and once we were driving near the airport and he looked up at a plane and said "Isn't it fuckin' awesome how planes stay in the sky?" I laughed to myself, thought about it for a second and said, "it sure is".

That job had big time ups and staggering lows, but all around I'd say it was positive. I'll leave you with one more story from May 27, 2005:

The other day at the garbage truck fixing store this guy who worked there was hosing off two large pieces of foam with a power washer. Upon inquiry I learned that he had just bought a used camper and was understandably worried about what other people had done on these foam mattresses. Instead of buying new ones he was hosing the old ones off in a garbage truck garage. I laughed because foam probably costs mere nickels and foam takes a llllllllllllllong time to dry, and foam is like sponge so all the semen, blood and sweat that was on the mattress is probably going to stay there so I questioned the effectiveness of his methods. But the guy was wearing a shirt that said "real men drive fords" or something and he was driving a chevy, which instantly diminished his credibility.

Tomorrow I'll be coming at you live from Orlando Florida where I'm judging the 2009 Tropicana bikini contest and orange juice bake off. My fellow judges are former ball player Chili Davis and respected thespian, Tom Skeritt. See you in the sun!

MAMA'S SERVING PICKLED CRACKERS AND LEMONADE BEEF

If this weekend were a burrito it'd be spicy and it would have some strange ingredient like shredded carrot or peanut butter and when you get it from the burrito salesman you go "that's fun".

FRIDAY

Andy booked a room at XO karaoke because he wanted to sing karaoke, so we gathered a motley crew of friends from all walks of life and sang our nips off for three hours. I always hope that when I get friends together who don't know each other that they'll all get along and feel great, which is a lot to ask. Karaoke is a great way to to achieve this though because there's never any silence in the room and people are kind of forced to get up there and present themselves, bearing their feelings through the miracle of song and the wonder of music. The following photos should give you a good idea of the vibe and passion that was in the room that eve:




My karaoke songs of the night were "Neutron Dance" which I did duet style with Andy, "Poppin' My Collar", which I've got pretty good at, "Back in the Saddle" by Aerosmith and a bunch more that I can't remember. Let's just say I covered most major western genres from the last 40 years. I like to tell a story with my karaoke.

SATURDAY

I was looking forward to this day since last Monday thanks to modern technology and its "Five Day Forecast". Luckily, all the reports were correct, and it was sunny and warm for the biggest and best chunk of the day, until around 4pm when a fierce store hit the town, complete with rain and winds that made you say "BOOOORRRBBBB". Anyway, when I woke up I headed straight for Canadian Tire and bought a new tennis racquet (impulse buy), a can of balls, and two baseballs, and put them in my backpack along with my old tennis racquet and two baseball mits.

Before heading to the park I made a stop at Subway for brunch. The lady working there acted like she was working in a jail. ALL BUSINESS. She got snappy at these soft spoken ladies for not ordering fast enough and proceeded to toast my sub when I told her twice not to. She was efficient though. Maybe the big boss came in right before I got there and told them they'd better sell 600 subs before close or that particular branch would be closed and when all the chips were down this old millionaire came in and bought 300 subs for his granddaughter's sweet 16.

I spent the afternoon in the park with pals and we played a spirited game of softball and the whole area was buzzing with kite fliers, catch throwers, tennis aces, dog havers, and probably some bad dudes too, they like warm weather as much as anyone else.

Stupidly, I neglected to screen my skin from the sun, and I ended up with burns on my neck and arms. The pain became rather bothersome on Saturday night and because I don't have any aloe I had to try new strategies to deal with the pain. One of them involved me imagining I was Marvel superhero, "The Human Torch". I just imagined that after the Human Torch turns his fire body off he feels like he's sunburned, but it's not so bad because it's just a sunburn and it's a small price to pay to be able to turn into a fire man and fly around. Surprisingly, this seemed to work along with putting cold drinks on the hot spots and trying not to look at my lobster arms.

That night Andy and I did "The Dumbest Shit" comedy show at midnight and we did a bit called "Who Wants to be a Fart Millionaire". It went as well as a fart bit can go when there's 6 people in the audience, but I think it could've been dumber than it was, which was my fault. Also, I was dead tired and probably had a mild case of sun stroke.

Sunday I had burgers with my dad and brother and they brought me a new stereo receiver and my rig is almost complete and I can rock the summer away with the sounds of vinyl. All I need now are some new speakers and the dancing around nude on hot days will commence.

That'll do it! Like the movie "A.I." this entry was a bit long, but for those who spend all day at work struggling to find content to read on the Internet because there's nothing to do at their job, this is my gift. And this:

WHAT WAS THE LAST VEGETABLE TO GO EXTINCT?

Someone told me I was too harsh on the Jonas Brothers yesterday. Don't worry, I respect those guys because it seems they know how to play instruments. This may sound trite, but they're basically just Hanson all over again and I didn't really hate those guys except for their hair, the fact that they're brothers and their squeaky clean image. So yeah, same thing.

The weather man has looked into his crystal skull and predicted that weather in the southern Ontario region is going to be dee dee dee dee dee delight fu fu fu fu fu fu ful. This is great news for guys like me who have been complaining about weather since last summer took a shit on our heads and rained every day. I may not be able to enjoy the city though because there's a chance I'll be in another city (Detroit) for game 5 of the Red Wings/Blue Jackets NHL hockey playoff series. But if the Wings win tonight, which is bloody likely, I'll be biking around, eating ice cream and wondering if I should get a freezie after eating ice cream. Here are some activities YOU can try:

1) Have a scavenger hunt that involves fish and chips and finding the best fish and chips.
2) Have a regular scavenger hunt
3) Have a scavenger hunt where you try to take a picture of the weirdest guy you can find and then you all come together and compare and whoever wins gets fish and chips
4) Come up with a new sport like "Lolly Ball" or "Flinger Wars"

If you have any free time in between these activities just go rent a movie and try a new snack that you've never had before.

BOOK REVIEW
The Stand by Stephen King

I'd give this book 7.5 out of 10. The first three quarters or so were really good and I was equal parts scared and excited. But in classic Stephen King fashion, the ending was rubbish, complete with shitty sentimentality, big time let downs, and unanswered questions. I don't know if I can really say "classic" because I've only read a few Stephen King joints and the last one I read was probably like 10 or 15 years ago. I'm mostly basing this on the TV movie of "IT" which is one of the worst things I've ever seen, all topped off with the ending where IT is just a big spider. Anyway, since I didn't feel like I wasted my time reading it, I still give it a thumbs up and think you should give it a try.

YEAH I'M SCARED OF BATS AND SNAKES AND DOGS

Guess what I don't like:

A) Fall Fairs
B) Modern concept albums
C) Fries and gravy

If you didn't pick "B" then please show yourself out, because not only was that a test of your loyalty and fandom, but also the intro to a rant regarding the subject.

I don't have a problem with concept albums of the 70's and 80's because for the most part they were all about totally crazy shit that was created using the kind of drugs that make you dream up images of battle elves, dragons and colourful spirals. Can you tell me what Jethro Tull's "Aqualung" is about? Probably not, but that's what makes it so good.

Now skip ahead to the music of today. It seems like every other shitty pop punk band has a concept album under their belts, the most notable being Green Day. The reason why I hate these modern concept albums is because I think it's lazy song writing. What's more difficult - writing a bunch of good lyrics inspired by various experiences, expressing a myriad of emotions or 10 songs about some guy walking around his neighbourhood being mad at George Bush? It's like the easy way out. I'm not saying it stinks all the time, but I prefer concepts that leave a little more to the imagination and involve concepts like space, wizards and trolls.

Speaking of albums, let us now take a look at the upcoming Jonas Brothers offering:

It's looks like they're about to embark on the lamest safari of all time.

"Alright guys, we're about to out into the African jungles, now I just wanted to... what the hell are you wearing?"

Then they just stare like that

"uhh okay, did you bring the supplies I asked you to bring?"
"We brought stuff to make s'mores," said Nick.
"Well I guess that can't hurt."
"Where should we put the cheese?" asked Joe.
"Cheese?"
"For the s'mores. Where should we put our makeup?" said the other guy.

So that's silly.

The title is also kind of strange. It could be the name of a Scott Weiland record. The lines are drugs, the vines are that street in Hollywood and the trying times are like when he almost dies all the time. But seriously..."trying times". These three guys haven't had a trying time in years. They're all young millionaires, they can have any girl in their age bracket and 2 out of the three of them are fairly handsome. A "trying time" for a Jonas brother is when their sunglasses break or when they spill chocolate milk on one of their scarves. Or maybe the "trying times" are all those instances when teen girls with huge gumdrops make their way backstage and offer their bodies and the Jonas' get boners but have vowed celibacy for some reason so their boners last all night. That'd be trying.

This has been the annual music issue of What I Did and How I Am. Next year I have an interview with Fred Durst and all he does is talk about how he met the Wu Tang Clan once. Party off you guys!

EGGS ARE A GROSS FOOD BUT REMAIN WILDLY POPULAR ALL OVER THE WORLD

Let me tell you something Pete. The first time I saw that singer Lady Gaga, I was like, "Oh Dave, this is the worst". I sort of assumed she was a creation of record companies, who were out to exploit the popularity of dancey synth pop with hipster undertones. But as of late I've gained a new appreciation for this total nut job. I like how she goes all the way with fashion. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are supposedly "fashionable" but they dress casual fashionable most of the time, so as to look like they're not really trying. Lady Gaga says "check out my dress. It's weird and expensive"

This one is basically a Halloween costume, which I'm okay with

That one might be too big. She reminds me of when the Griswolds go shopping in Italy in "European Vacation":



Skip ahead to about the two minute mark for the best part. If anyone can find me the outfit Rusty is wearing there at the end I'll give them the biggest damn kiss you ever saw.

In conclusion, if you're going to be a weirdo celebrity, you might as well go total weirdo. I watched some of the third evening with Kevin Smith and he talks about his experience working on Die Hard 4 and it makes you glad that Bruce Willis as strange as you'd hope he'd be. He has his own chicken chef and has this writer who looks like a wrestler and he's passionate and lovable. According to Kevin Smith.

In personal news, last night we performed at this fun sketch comedy show/contest and we were sooooo bad, but made it to the last round regardless. I haven't really done much sketch comedy so it felt a bit uncomfortable but experience is experience, life's life, rock n roll awesome. That's a personal update for anyone out there who may be stalking me. Hi!

We had a lot of fun today, and now you know how I feel about Lady Gaga AND I got to share one of my favourite scenes in movie history. Until tomorrow, pants down, butts out.

THAT AIR CANADA AD WITH THE WEIRD SINGING DRIVES ME BoNKeRs

FALLEN SOLDIERS

Episode 2 - A backpack

This is the second installment of my wildly popular column, "Fallen Soldiers" where I sing the praises of items I've had for a long time, but have chosen to retire. You may remember the first piece where I paid tribute to a pair of old shoes. All you tender hearts will be pleased to know that I just couldn't throw out those babies and continue to wear them to this day even though they're full of holes and make a weird plopping sound with every step. Will this next item enjoy the same fate? Probably. I don't throw things out because I develop emotional attachments to inanimate objects. One time my friend and I let this inner tube go loose on Lake Huron, but when we saw it floating alone out there we just had to go get it. So we fished it out and threw it in the woods instead.

I've had this backpack for a really long time. I think I probably got in in mid high school, so at least 10 years. Me and the old girl have been all over the world together, but time has taken its toll and the bottom has worn extremely thin. Wishing to avoid a silent movie-esque folly where my stuff falls clean out of the bottom while it's pouring rain and when I drop down to pick everything up my top hat falls in the mud, I decided to start shopping for a new one. Thanks to a gift card from Eddie Bauer I got for my birthday, I'm the proud new owner of a mustard coloured sack made of the highest quality fabrics imported from the most glorious empires of the world.
When I first got her, I didn't like how the model was called "Jammer" because teenagers will make fun of you for anything, and I didn't want to give them the opportunity to accuse me of "jamming" things with my "thing". So when I bought a Guns N' Roses patch from a garage sale where I also got some of the best posters in my history, I covered up the logo. I took it off eventually when I got to university and realized no one would care what my backpack was called.

I don't think I'm going to fully retire the backpack. Its career is going to follow that of a figure skater - when you retire you basically retire from competition but still do shows. I will use old blue for special missions so if you see me on the street with it on you know I'm doing something awesome.

CELEBRITY OF THE DAY

Hugh Jackman

Here's why I like this guy:

- He's Wolverine, one of the toughest characters of all time. At the same time, he's a dancing, singing Broadway performer. That's the kind of range I can get behind

- During promotional tours he plays the game better than anyone. Every picture I've seen of him over the last month, where he's promoting Wolverine I think, he smiles and waves like nobody's business. This is in stark contrast with those other celebrities who like to think that promoting their films are not part of their job.

- He's Australian and those guys are alright

That's all really. Those reasons are enough for a celebrity to qualify for this feature. If you're famous, please apply to:

Celebrity of the Day
Denver Plastic Solutions Inc.
c/o Herb Pluyfrot
246 Big Mountain Way
St. Louis, Missouri
90213

Please include your head shot, three media clippings, a demo real, your agent's contact information as well as a short, 500 word bio. Thanks and good luck.

SHUT YOUR MOUTH, TIE YOUR SHOES, GRIND YOUR SPICES AND LET'S GET OUTTA HERE

I spent most of the weekend PIGGING OUT on carrots and and diet root beer. I feel sooooo guilty, but when I find something I like, I eat it a million times and then move on or go back to dry cereals. Depends.

FALSITY

Here's what actually went down, in chronological order so as not to offend those self conscious activities that would get offended if I ranked them in order of "fun". I'm looking in your direction "Sunday Afternoon".

On Friday, my friend Brendan got me a ticket to the 7:30pm Norm MacDonald stand up show at Yuk Yuks. Oh gravy, it was so funny and good, that my mind said, "whoa boy" and my body made it so my hand slapped my knee a lot and all that is good for the soul. Here's a YouTube compalation courtesy of the Internet, so you can feel the way I felt and we can move on to the next bit:



After the show I went to a bar to meet up with people from work who were celebrating the visit of our friend. I kind of wish the default social event was something like bowling or trampolines instead of just standard bar, but in order for that happen we'd need more alleys and trampolines and that's not going to happen in these economic times. Plus, bars have been the social default for so long, it would be like telling a business man to put away his suit and start wearing coveralls or maybe a khaki safari outfit to work instead.

On Saturday I went to Niagara Falls for a bachelor party. Unfortunately, our friend who is getting married has two different groups of friends who party in different ways. My team wanted to avoid casinos and strip clubs and instead go play video games, go to haunted houses and watch waterfalls, while team B wanted the opposite. So we kind of separated at some point, but we still had fun and we did all eat steaks together at the Keg. Things we noticed about Niagara - it's shitty, it's full of teens from Buffalo and it's stupid. I brought my camera and wasn't taking pictures so my drunk friend got mad and took control. Let's see how he did:

Here's a good blurry one of two strangers who aren't doing anything

And here Stein takes a picture of a street with nothing on it.

That's more like it!

Here's one I took where the guys look like night monsters/sexual predators

Andy and Greg play an Aliens arcade game while the other guys ditched us

On Sunday I napped all afternoon and then made chicken. There was lots of hockey to watch and watched a lot of it because the playoffs are like cirque de soleil after all you've seen in your life is regular circus'.

INFORMATION TO IMPRESS YOUR CRUSH WITH THIS WEEKEND SO YOU CAN DO THEM

I really hope I haven't discussed this before, but here is a piece about water travel, an issue close to my heart.

Why don't we boat more often? I remember in school once a teacher told us how Earth is a water planet and I was like "whaaaaaaatttttt!!! It totally is". Our whole planet is connected by a highway called water and we barely ever use it any more. If I owned a good boat I could go anywhere I wanted and all I'd need is supplies and equipment. Any moron can drive a boat. Driving a boat is easier than riding a bike and it's a lot more fun because there's barely anything you can run into. AND if you need food you just stick your head in and pull a delicious sea creature out. You can even eat most of them raw for Heaven's sake!

So what's stopping us from boating ALL the time?

1. Distance - Boats probably aren't fast enough to make it worth while and fuel is an issue as well. But if we've already invented robots and space ships, you'd think someone would be able to create some sort of ultra boat that runs off garbage and can go really fast in a stable manner. We're pretty much there. Check out this photo by Rolf Hicker of The Cat, which is a sick ferry:



But it can only travel at speeds in excess of 90 km/h, so we'll have to work on that.

2. The High Seas are a dangerous place - Again, super boat would solve this, but at the end of the day the sea can be a dangerous place, just ask Captain Ahab or those dudes from Deadliest Catch.

There's also the argument that the seas could present unknown dangers, like how scientists say that underwater is like space and that there's so much undiscovered stuff down there. I like to think of this is positive. Why go to space when we have underwater in our own backyards? Let's "Abyss" that shit and go exploring! Plus, what if we find Atlantis and they give us all this aqua technology while we give them dirt (per 'Waterworld', dirt is like gold to water people) and we get to have sex with all the mermaids and dashing mermen and they can come and have sex with us and try hot dogs and hamburgers and everyone's happy.

3. The seas are boring - Disagreed. You can play sports, go fishing, scuba dive and snorkel whenever. If you get sick of water, just go below deck and play some video games, no big deal.

There you go. More boats, more water exploring, more fun, mermaids. Pick the sea and you'll fill with glee.

THURSDAY COLUMN ORIGINALLY POSTED IN YESTERDAY'S ST. PAUL TRIBUNE

DUMB CELEBRITY MOMENT OF THE SEMESTER

I found this piece talking about Charlize Theron:

The South African-born star is furious that same-sex unions have not yet been legalised in her adopted country, insisting she will not marry long-term beau Stuart Townsend until the laws are changed.

I totally support her standing up for same-sex marriages, but I think refusing to marry her hunk boyfriend is the stupidest thing. It's funniest if you imagine her doing it in protest, as if the whole world is waiting anxiously for the big day.

"I really don't like to legalize same-sex marriage," said the law guy
"Need I remind you again? If we don't do this, Charlize Theron will NOT marry Stuart Townsend, the result of which would be catastrophic," said his assistant.
"Dammit you're right. Let's the gays be married. I'm tired of sleepless, tear filled nights thinking about how they're not married. We're doing this not just for us, but all creatures in the known universe."
"Then press the button."
"What button?"
"Isn't that how it works?"
"No man, it's a bit of a process."

It's really not much of a protest. No one cares whether or not they're married. Instead of threatening not to marry that guy, why not talk to politicians and rally some troops or something. I picture her telling Townsend about all this and he just rolls his eyes and she sees it and feels bad so she peels off her clothes and says the sexiest thing of all time and then boner and then love making and then he rolls his eyes again when he remembers what she said.

NEW FEATURE - MY THREE CENTS

Cent 1 - I'm getting kind of tired of Stephen Colbert trying to get things named after him. Now he has a space treadmill bearing his name. I think he should come out with a line of products instead. That would be funny. Like Colbert brand frozen concentrate. Something we can all enjoy, you know? What do I care about a treadmill I'll never use or even lay eyes on in real life?

Cent 2 - For fun on the Internet, try finding old Geocities pages like this one. Back then the Internet was like a dweeb and you found him fascinating but annoying and most of the stuff he said went over your head and he dressed weird. Now the Internet is more like Justin Timberlake but way smarter.

Cent 3 - This has been "MY THREE CENTS".

See how it's getting sunnier??? I did that! I went on a ouija board and talked to the sun spirits. They said "OK YEAPH, WE WILLT MATE IT SUNNY". You're welcome.

JUMP IN THE TRUCK AND PASS ME THAT BUCKET OF VELCRO

Yesterday's thoughts were a tad on the ho hum side, so today I'm going to whip the horse's ass way harder and with a whip covered in swords to bring you the fastest and most exciting thing ever. Don't be let down if what follows doesn't do that intro justice.

The last 24 hours have been a bit of a shit time for me. After work on the evening of the 13th I took the GO Train back to 'Ssaugy dogs because I had a dentist appointment in Oakville the next morning at 8 "not PM" AM. I don't start work until 12:30 so I rarely get up before 9:30, meaning the morning of the 14th was going to be a frustrating droopy eyed yawner. But dammit, I'll walk to the ends of the Earth for the health of my chompers.

While at my parents' that evening my dad and I did my taxes and much to my dismay I actually owed money this year because I forgot about the RRSP deadline and probably other factors that I don't know anything about. If there's two things that are foreign to me in this world, it's taxes and the nations of Southeast Asia. So you guys, I was obviously "cheesed" about this, but then I ate some roast beef and felt a bit better. Imagine people were commonly addicted to something other than cigarettes? Like instead of smoking people ate salami a lot and salami came in little packages? If salami was anymore addictive than it already is, then I'd be in trouble. I'd be a nibbler for sure. I'd be nibbling salami right now. If I were addicted to Snickers bars, would my work let me have breaks to go get them? What's the damn difference?

I tried to go to bed early and I thought this would work fine because the night before I tossed and turned like a boy with a boner in class, and had vivid, scary dreams about birthday parties in mansions and these cool mech submarine things that you could play with in the pool. But whenever I have to get up for something the next day I can never get to sleep. I don't know what it is, but generally speaking I'm not such a good sleep dude. I think I finally dozed off around 1:30 or 2:00 am and was awoken at 5:30 or 6:00 by my cat who has developed an almost human-like meow. My mom swears she's saying "MOOOMMY", although I thought it sounded more like she was saying "KAAIRY" which is my mom's name, duh.

Lucky for me, I've had my dentist since I was three and so whenever I go it's just like visiting relatives. No cavities!

Then I took the GO Train home and I'm so tired that you could probably screw a dart board to my chest and throw darts at me all day and I'd just give you a lazy middle finger.

BONUS FEATURES

Have you tried using a PC with Windows Vista? Holy hell. I was writing something with Word last night on my mom's computer and it took me five minutes just to find the "save" function. Why did they change it?

I think you should buy a new belt this evening to go with your new trousers.

PSSSSSSSSSTTT....

Hey man, come over here. I got something to show you. Put your bike down you idiot. You can't tell anyone I have this and if you do you're so dead. Ready? Check this out:



The old man will kill me if he knew I swiped this.



Director's Commentary

I just don't know why she's rollerblading in the desert, but I intend to find out.

PUT AWAY YOUR FLAG AND OPEN UP YOUR LOBSTER TRAP

Before you read on, please be warned that today's post contains a lot of self reflection. If that sounds boring to you, imagine that it's written by Jonathan Taylor Thomas and it'll probably be funnier.

I realized something about myself the other day while continuing to search for the answer to the question, "How did I become the man you see before you today?" The realization is that in my mind I haven't worked very hard. I think my mantra has always been, "do as little as you can to get by" and maybe it's time I started to change that. I'm not a total bag of lazy bones though:

- I write this thing five days a week, but I don't plan it out really and it probably could be a lot better.
- I do comedy shows sometimes and make videos, but not all that often and it's the sort of business where hard work is necessary to make something happen
- I pursue new career opportunities on the Internet which are usually dead ends. I should hit the pavement and call people more
- I started to try to get my writing career on track, but it's taken a year or something to finish a script for a half hour show

So I'm sort of half lazy. I do minimum amounts to satisfy myself and then move on.

Is this "deep shit"? I think this self psycho-analysis is helping to clarify my current position in life. It's strange because I'm really restless and antsy, but when I get like that I usually just end up wandering around the house, peering into the fridge and trying to find little, short, easy chores to complete instead of channeling it into something productive. The plants need watering? No problem! This box needs to be thrown 0ut? I can do that! I have to go the bathroom? Good time waster!

This is the kind of post that I'll look back on and think "oh yeah I remember that time, I was being weird" and I'll have trouble reading the whole thing because it's kind of embarrassing. Kind of like THIS:

ANOTHER JUMP THROUGH TIME INTO LIVEJOURNAL HISTORY

July 9, 2001:


I wish I could jump ahead in time to when I'm an adult and my life is set. Being a late teenager is some hard shit. I feel like I'm trapped right now between adulthood and childhood, and in reality I am because of university. I have no idea what my life will be like at the end of August or in a year for that matter. In a way it's intriguing and in a way it's scary. I think I need answers, I'm in a state of flux beyond compare, it's like I'm in the warp zone in Mario Brothers and I can't figure out what world to go to, though the smart choice would be to move on to the last level, beat the game and get a new one. Shit, maybe this is all a weird dream and I'll wake up one day and be a pirate or a sassy rastafarian who sits on the beach all day selling necklaces, without a care in the world.

The most embarrassing part is the last part. The strange thing is that my attitude hasn't changed much. I still feel trapped between childhood and adulthood and I always seem to be in a state of flux. Are you still with me here? This post hasn't contained as many silly things, but sometimes you need a side of serious with that glass of fart milk.

That's all. Tomorrow I'll post a report about my trip to the dentist and maybe I'll talk about swans. Who doesn't like swans???

DON'T FIGHT THAT GUY OVER THERE, CHECK IT, HE HAS CLAWS

Today may be Easter Monday, but for most people it's another day where you go to work and reflect on all the church you attended, or how much chocolate you ate, or even how many weasels you caught and roasted over a bed a pine needles. Families have different traditions you know. I'm not going anywhere with this and it isn't going to turn into a piece on Easter traditions. Instead, let's take a gaze into Zeldarf's crystal ball and see what I did this weekend:

On Friday night I threw a mixer at my house to celebrate my April 8th birthday. It was full of hearty fun and positive vibes seeping out of every pore of every man and woman in the environment. Here man, catch the vibe:

Per usual, I forgot to take pictures, but luckily Liv picked up the old daguerroetype at some point and started snapping...

..unfortunately for you, most pictures feature us with our shirts off again, which seems to be a recurring theme of most parties myself and my friends attend. I don't remember what we were doing here but I do know that it was very late and we had drank several drinks that altered our perception of common sense.

This one's good because people in background are looking kind of silly, then in the foreground you have Stein showing his muscles while Andy recites poetry while shirtless to babes.

On Saturday I saw that movie "Observe and Report". The tone of this movie was very muddy, much like my feelings toward it. I'll probably never buy it nor watch it again, although I said the same thing about "The Heartbreak Kid", one of the shittiest movies I ever saw, and here it is on my television screen. I also don't think Seth Rogen can carry a whole movie. He's like a piece of Voltron. On its own it's pretty cool and fun, but if you get all the pieces together it's sooooo much better. Get it? Like his few scenes with Aziz Ansari were pizzas and gravy, but his scenes without a funny man were kind of "ohhhhhhhhhhhhh".

Today I headed to Mississauga for an Easter egg hunt and spring jamboree in the botanical gardens. That's not true, but I did go to Mississauga. The fun was a lot more wholesome:
Here are some cousins being silly beans

And here's me using a windmill thing and just standing around with some whiskey.

Here are some insider Mississauga facts that you won't read on Wikipedia:

Mississauga is home to the world's most horribly named intersection: Marf Avenue and Revus Avenue.

"Where do you live?"
"Corner of Marf and Revus."
"Sounds gross."
"Yeah dude."

There's this "spring" right beside Mississauga road that people used to go get water from, not realizing that the water flowed from an old landfill. My dad claimed they were drinking garbage water. I think they were drinking garbage water.

Those are the only two I think of, get off my back.

WHO EATS PLAIN M&Ms ANYWAY??

Most of you dudes probably aren't at work today, and work is probably where you read this. You go to your desk, stare at your magic eye poster for a few minutes, water your cactus, tear off another day on your Far Side calendar, check to see if you have any granola bars left, talk to someone about the weather and then you read this and you get so damn excited that you have to go to the bathroom and cry and poo for a few hours.

Today you're going to wake up at 11:00, remember that you don't have to work, dance naked for three minutes, take a shower, watch Donnie Darko, play guitar, read this for two seconds, realize it's a waste of time, go play frisbee, get stung by a bee, go to the hospital, get leg amputated, go home and watch Donnie Darko again.

Based on these assumptions I'm going to tailor this entry to your unique lifestyle.

First you need a quick jolt like the shot of expresso you drink before you eat your Vector meal replacement breakfast crisp.



There.

Now you need an anecdote as the main course:

Once in 1997 I think, I got banned from Wal Mart for a year because my friend got caught stealing Star Wars cards and I was with him. To this day I still feel uncomfortable going in there.

Now a YouTube video for dessert:



Shake your damn tits to that song!

Now all the ladies say OHHHHHHHHHHHH



OHHHHHHHHHH

This Easter don't forget that the Easter Bunny and Jesus have nothing to do with one another, but share the same space, much like that guy Balky and that other guy Larry from TV show "Perfect Strangers". See you later! Stand tall!

PUT THE CIDER IN THE BOOT KIDS, WE'RE GOIN TO TEXAS

This year's birthday was at first melancholy because I don't like getting old and it was snowing. But after some soul searching, a half day at work, well wishes, some presents, and a dinner at the Keg Steakhouse and Bar, I concluded that I'm happy with myself at 27 and I don't have anything at all to complain about, except that my eye either has pinkeye or it's drier than Popeye's biscuits. I think it's just dry, don't freak out you guys, you can still shake my hand if you see me around.

April 8 is also the anniversary of my long term relationship, so raise a glass of delicious Tradewinds brand iced tea and toast to Liv and I for three years of coupling. Dare me to break up with her?

I'm going to go on a bit of a rant against models right now.

Does anyone else here dislike models and the modeling business? I recently read a quote from Tyrese Gibson I think, and he was whining about how actors are taking all these modeling jobs from models and how they shouldn't be doing it. I may have talked about this before, but seriously, who is going to feel bad for a model? There's is the only profession where looks is 100% everything. At least actors have to memorize lines. Models get paid absurd amounts of money to travel around and get worshipped for doing nothing and they contribute nothing to society except an unattainable idea of beauty. Then today I read this quote from Elle MacPhereson regarding the state of the economy and what she's doing to adjust:

"I've been consumer conscious for a while. I traded in my Range Rover for a Lexus and I either bike or take my Fiat Bambino on the school run. My only extravagance is art. It always has a place in my budget. All the artists I love, Lucian Freud, Jean-Michel Basquiat, Tracey Emin, I've invested in."

So not only are you still driving a luxury vehicle, but you have several other vehicles that you only use to go specific places AND you haven't stopped buying art. Bravo Elle.

The only attitude a model should have is pure unadulterated GRATEFULNESS, which I'm sure most models are. It's the Tyra's and Tyrese's of the world that make them seem so unbelievably smug.

There. That's all I'm going to say about that. FOR NOW MAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

This weekend I'm having a bit of a birthday celebration and also an Easter feast in Mississauga. Other than that my schedule is open, so if you want to hang out contact my booking agent:

Davp Oldtruud
King King Management
1623 Blue Jays Way
Toronto ON

That's not a real guy, that's PURE comedy. Tomorrow I'll maybe talk about Easter briefly and rate the fashions at the high school prom. SEE YOUD

2009 BIRTHDAY SPECIAL

Welcome to the 2009 birthday special, hosted by me, Tino Monte.



Under your seat you'll find a complimentary bag of Planter's peanuts and a disposable rain poncho. What's that for? It's a surprise. Oh I'll just tell you. We're going to spray you with a lot of water later in a segment called "Niagara Follies".

TREAT 1 - TREASURES FROM THE VAULT

Atlantis. Egypt. DaVinci Code. Cooperstown Baseball Hall of Fame. These are places where treasures lie, and tonight we open the vault that lies in the innards of Glenn's computer where we find a wealth of emeralds, old armour and some other stuff like mp3s. Take it away!

Thanks Tino. Here are two promos for "The Polecats Radio Programme" which Andy and I hosted on McMaster's student radio. We got fired in third or fourth year because we didn't participate in their annual fundraising initiative. We never prepared for the show and mostly just played strange and funny songs that we'd find in the archives such as Guy LaFleur's hockey disco record. Once we played farting noises over and over again, introducing it as "Beethoven's Fifth Symphony".

The first promo is from Dustin Diamond from Saved by the Bell. Please note that we asked him to say, "I'm TV's Dustin Diamond, and you're listening..." but he changed it to plug SBTB and his dumb band that no one has heard of. But he did say our catchphrase at the time, "Rock n roll awesome". The second one is from Max Weinberg and the best part of this is that we got him to say "Rock n Roll Gary Roberts" at the end and he had no clue who Gary Roberts was or why he was saying it. That guy has a big head.

Go to folder - FileFactory.com

That was super! Isn't that great? I used to host a show called "Super Market Sweep" which can be seen every weekday on the Game Show network. It features me in bad ties and the ugliest bunch of contestants you ever saw. Our next segment is brought to you by Obus Forme back supports, the most expensive item in the grocery store.

Thanks Tino. If you've ever watched Super Market Sweep, that stuff up there is the funniest. If not you'll think I'm strange. Last night I scoured my LiveJournal for some good stuff. I found a funny story that I think you'll enjoy, although it probably falls into the category "You had to be there".

Background info - I was in this class called Qualitative and Quantitative research methods and the class was really easy and boring. I had this big Jamaican lady as a TA and I always went to tutorials because you got free grades if you went. This story happens during a tutorial:

March 30, 2003

Most Ridiculous tutorial ever: Jamaican T.A. wants people to bring in music to analyze qualitatively (?) Stupid dumb girl brings in her demo cd! First, she doesn't know how to open the CD player, turns volume knob expecting it to open. When she finally figures it out, the song is everything that is wrong with music today. If I could've written down the lyrics you all would laugh a lot..title of song "New Age Goddess" or something. It was a shitty pop song in the style of Britney Spears about being a new age goddess and one of the lyrics involved something like "All the haters .. blah blah" Thats ridiculous

Tttttthen the song is over and it's soooo quiet in the room and Jamaican TA goes: "It sounds like 4 year olds would like it" but she was serious and didn't mean to make fun of it. I held back my laughter during the song sooooooo badly . I had to keep my head down at my desk bceause any stimulus would have made me erupt.

Seriously man, this was one of those instances where I was like "my parents wasted their money sending me here".

And now a special message from former NFL great, Randall Cunningham:



Hi guys

You ever tried eating a meatball sub for breakfast? Don't do it. You ever ate 16 sour keys after you ate a meatball sub for breakfast? Do it. Don't forget - you play with drugs, you'll get sacked. You play with your family - touchdown! Have a family game night with Parker Bros. and drugs will never ever hurt you. Happy birthday Gil!

We payed him $10,000 dollars and that's all we got. That's it for my birthday special. I hope everyone had a good time and could stand me ripping on Tino Monte for the second time in this blog's history. To finish things off, here's Tino Monte!

Thanks to everyone for coming by tonight. What's big and a waterfall? Niagara. Here comes the water! Goodnight and God bless!

SOME SERIOUS THOUGHTS ABOUT MODERN ISSUES

How often do you have to do laundry for a baby?

At first I thought "not that often" because babies don't sweat, but they do spill stuff all over and throw up all the time. Pants I can understand washing a lot because babies don't know how to use their bladders, but shirts? I'm not convinced that you'd have to wash a baby's shirt all that often. Same with socks. Why would you ever need to wash a baby's socks? Their feet barely ever touch the ground. This kind of thinking led me to the idea of disposable baby clothes. I feel that if I ever spawn a child, I won't really care how it's dressed because it's a damn baby and fashion is the last thing on its mind. What I'd really like is a roll of shirts that I could just throw out once the baby inevitably vomits on it and a roll of socks that would last its entire baby life. If anyone out there has a baby, drop me a line and we'll develop these products further.

There was an article in the Star today about how first year university students are lazy and rely on Wikipedia for everything. I side with the students on this one. I remember in my last year of school, which was in 2005, Wikipedia was just starting to catch on and I remember discovering it while I was working on this big paper on that DJ John Peel and I thought it was the best thing ever because it had all the info I needed in one spot. If that thing had been around my whole university career I would've relied on it heavily because doing research in a stale old library is the most boring thing in the world next to waiting in line for something. And think about the kids in University today - they probably didn't grow up using the library the same way we did, so they've been conditioned to rely solely on the Internet for information. I blame the universities for not adapting to this new generation and with every new generation it's only going to get worse.

That was a straight up rant. I didn't put a twist on that at all. PURE UNFILTERED OPINION.

It's really fun riding my bike through the entertainment district on the weekend because you see dumb people doing dumb things. Last weekend I saw two fights on King St. and several women wearing highly impractical outfits meant to tantalize. It's also a great place to find out what isn't funny anymore. In my mind, if a group of drunk morons are reciting a line from something while hopping from club to club and finding it hilarious, then it's probably is over-saturated and shouldn't be repeated. I heard this one group singing the "I'm on a boat'' song and even though I think that song is funny, I will never again reference it because those guys think it's the best. The same thing happened to mullet jokes, Austin Powers impressions and Chapelle's Show. These are the same people who gave "Fast and Furious" the biggest April opening weekend of all time.

Don't wig out today, okay?

WHO DOESN'T LIKE PALM TREES?

The battery in this computer of mine is weakening like a dying old grandpa lion and there's nothing I can about but sit here and complain about modern lithium ion technology. I think we're pretty close to that time when batteries last for a hundred years and our kids' kids will be like "Cords? Wall sockets?" and instead of electric guitars they'll play guitars with batteries in them and the amplifiers will look like hydro electric stations, making a low humming noise that no one really notices but if you listen carefully you can hear it.

But let's cut the crap and get down to the nitty gritty. Let's break these chains and let the eagle fly free over the land of hope and dreams. Join me on a vision quest through the jungles of time to the annals of evolution and truth until we find the mind's window.

Do you guys know that we're in the THICK of my birthday week? So far I've received several thoughtful cards, a few records, a Delorean model, a small remote controlled R2D2, a dinner at Bistro 990, a brunch by the lake and 2 gift cards. This calls for a celebration!

HOME MADE HIP HOP BEAT OF THE WEEK

Go to folder - FileFactory.com

BEHIND THE MUSIC

That's me on guitar and that's that guy from Friday on lead vocals. Rap$callion is my hip hop alter ego. He's a janitor who found a a gold microphone in the basement of the school he works at and at first it didn't do anything, but then he combined it with the gold turntables his wife bought him for Christmas, which turned him into this great MC who also fights minor crime at night but only until midnight because at midnight he turns into a ghoul whose skin gets burned by moonlight. So he just stays in the basement and makes beats and eats pickles for some reason. The full story will be explained in the jacket of my first record, "Murder, Death, Kill" which is a line from Demolition Man. It's being produced by the Jungle Brothers and of course Rap$callion.

SCHEDULING ALERT

This week I only have to work 3.5 days thanks to Good Friday and my obligatory birthday half day. Don't worry though, this abnormal schedule will not effect this blog except that I'll probably be in a better mood which may or may not improve content. Will I crash and burn or make you puke laugh crud straight out your beak? Stay tuned and find out. And let me know what you want more of:

Personal dirt?
pictures?
Home made beats of the day?
This day in Livejournal history?

I think I might retire that last segment. Every time I try to do one I can't decide on a post to share because most of them are very embarrassing and I sound like an idiot, which is probably how I'll feel in five years reading these entries back. I'm out of here in a puff of sawdust...

WATER WINGS WATER WINGS WATER WINGS

Things I say a lot:

"whoa"
"dude"
"honestly"
"fuck"
"shit"
"yeah right"

If you're programming the robot me right now, that list up there should help you out big time. Same goes for if you're planning on stealing my identity or researching me for a play about me. The play should be called, "Steady As She Goes" and it should focus more on my days in high school because those are the days that shaped the man you see before you today.

I've often thought about trying to write a novel or a movie loosely based on my life, because that seems to be a popular way to write a story, but I'd feel kind of weird assuming that mine is a tale worth telling. In fact, I know it isn't. I guess most people who do this end up sensationalizing things, like Zach Braff's "Garden State". That seemed to be an idealized version of a specific time of his life. In this fantasy version he bangs Natalie Portman and resolves issues with his daddy. The whole love story in that movie is so infuriating because it's the dweeby fantasy that all regular dudes have - you want to meet a smoking babe who's a nerd and who no else seems to find attractive, like that guy from Pretty In Pink. Duckie. I hate that character real bad.

I think I might have talked about that stuff up there before, but you need to be reminded. I have detailed instructions from your mother. Your mom also told me to remind you:

1) Don't share needles no matter how bad the economy gets.
2) Come home more, the cat misses you
3) You were raised with good morals, but you pissed them all away when you started dancin' for money
4) Play catch with your mama every so often! Dad hates that shit.

Let's do some news jokes. This news is from yesterday because I'm writing this yesterday. My joke will be bolded, while the news will be in the popular "Courier" font:

"Ottawa complains to Afghan ambassador over rape law"

Canadian officials called in Afghanistan's ambassador to express "deep concern" with a law that would make it illegal for Shiite women to refuse to have sex with their husbands.

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus!

Seriously though, that law sounds like it was drafted in 200 B.C. Even if the law is passed, what kind of a dick hole would call the cops because his wife is tired and doesn't want to do it? Here's how that call would go:

"Police here, what's your emergency"
"I just got home from work and I wanted to have sex with my wife and she said 'no' so I guess you guys should arrest her."
"Hold on two seconds, I've got another call. Police here, what's your emergency?"
"Suicide bomb at the grocery store! Send help!"
"First I have to go arrest a woman for not doing it, so hold tight. Hello?"
"Yeah Dave here"
"Feel free to restrain you wife and we'll be there ASAP."
"What if she changes her mind while you're on your way?"
"Where do you live?"
"Sand Street."
"My brother lives there, so if she ends up doing you I can just swing by there and say hi."
"Cool."

That was silly. I didn't expect to elaborate so much on that first news bit, but it kind of infuriated me. I'll do another one that's more light hearted.

"Red-faced Harper misses G20 photo"

One of the memorable moments at any summit of government leaders comes when they all get together for a group photo, but Prime Minister Stephen Harper was nowhere to be seen for today's shoot.

Harper's team responded by saying, "He actually was there, but as you well know, a vampire's image cannot be captured on film."

WHAM!!!!!

POST 200

If can read, you'll have read the title up there and realized that this is post number 200 out of 200, a milestone worthy of a picture of Dr. Seuss:



He kind of looks like Max Headroom in that picture. Max Headroom was played by Matt Frewer, right? He's one of my most hated actors along with Matthew Lillard. They're cut from the same shitty piece of cloth that gets made into the most annoying shirt of all time. Something like that shirt that says "The Man (up arrow) The Legend (down arrow)" or one of those shirts that say how Italian people are the best. Then again, Italian people have all the right in the world to brag because they dominate many things - food, wine, soccer, fashion, sports cars, architecture, religion, and dumb haircuts.

Was anyone expecting an off-the-wall April Fool's spectacular yesterday? Had I remembered it were April 1st I would've procured one, but since I didn't, I didn't. Besides, around here every day is April Fool's Day combined with Christmas with a pinch of Halloween for flavour and if you don't like it you can climb on top of a van and rot there like a grape that gets turned into a raisin. But raisins are still good to eat even though they're a dead grape, so raisins are the zombies of the food world along with other dried fruits such as apricots and banana chips, the most boring "chip" around. They have the texture of petrified wood and the taste of old bananas. No thanks mom!

My mom used to go to bulk food stores all the time, the ones that smelled like rotten pears and had all these weird things like a case of that fruit that's covered in syrup that tastes like shit and is in Neapolitan ice cream. There was one store that had this peanut butter making machine and we always begged my mom to use it and once she finally caved, but the peanut butter had no sugar and spice in it so it just tasted like mushy peanuts.

Here are what some people had to say about this historic 200th post:

"Listen, I could sit here all day and gab about muscle cars, but I keep that stuff private and so should you."
- George Lucas, director

"My and my sister used to play this game called "Gum Bums" where we'd stick gum to each other's asses and then have our cat eat it off. Great blog."
- Mark Knopfler, musician

"You win some, you lose some. But when you tie, the whole world smiles. When you don't play at all, that's just a safe bet."
- Tommy Lasorda, baseball manager

The next 100 posts will focus more on the construction industry and how recent infrastructure spending has boosted the industry DESPITE the economic downturn. Keep things fresh and don't get sticky!

AN OLD MOVIE REVIEW AND A LITTLE GAME AT THE BOTTOM FOR A RAINY APEY FOOL DAY

I watched Mike Myers' much shat on 2008 comedy, "The Love Guru" the other night. I'll shit on it as well, but I did laugh a few times and the middle of the movie wasn't too bad. Here are the things that ruined that movie:

1) The beginning was diarrhea inducing and featured some of the worst jokes and pacing you've ever seen in a film.

2) The cast was the worst assembled since Mr. Fredericks decided to cast Jane Chen instead of Patty Bruster as Pig Number Three in Trudeau Elementary School's third grade production of "The Three Little Pigs":



Keep smilin' Jane you no talent pile of garbage! The third pig is supposed to emote cockiness and drive, not giddiness and vulnerability. Oh, and have your mom stop making peanut butter and banana sandwiches for lunch, your breath smells like the bathroom of a circus.

The Love Guru features Jessica "I'm all tits, ass and face" Alba, Jessica "I'm all tits, ass and face" Simpson and Vern Troyer whom Mike Myers assumed could act for some reason. Some of the other actors do a good job especially Jim Gaffigan, but the script couldn't even make Stephen Colbert funny, except in one part when he talks nonsense for a minute of two.

3) The character of "The Love Guru" was unlikable, confusing and overly stupid. When you'd rather a film's protagonist die rather than live, you know it's headed in the wrong direction.

4) I heard that there were a lot of dick jokes in this movie and the rumours are true. Remember the dick jokes in other Mike Myers movies like that one in Austin Powers 2 when they see that flying dick ship and they all almost say 'dick' but they never do? So funny, but the ones in The Love Guru seemed as if it was written by bad kids in a drama class who smoke and who waited until the last minute to write a play and it was as bad as the teacher and the rest of the kids expected. Then the teacher has a chat with the guys about how he expected more and it really hits home with one of them who reforms his ways and becomes a city planner.

Overall I think Myers was on the right track, but he didn't have anyone around him to tell him his ideas were dumb because he's so mega rich, famous and successful. I assume he was trying to make a more adult comedy but didn't know when to stop with all the references to dicks and sex with dicks. I think he'll make another good movie at some point because there are some rare glimmers of the old Mike Myers we know in love sprinkled sparingly throughout the film.

That review was very untimely. In order for blogs to be popular they have to stay current and packed to the brim with zeitgeist and words like 'zeitgeist'. But I don't have anything current to talk about. I'd prefer to live in the not too distant past and the distant future as you well know. But just in case, here's a picture of an iphone with something futuristic plugged in:



Now take a deep breath and try out this new game I thought of today: When you're walking down the street with your dog/aunt/friend, pick a tall building in the distance, pretend you're Spiderman and map out the route you would take via web slinging. You'll realize that Spiderman can really only operate effectively in NYC and in any other city he'd probably have to use a lot of lamp posts. Trust guy, check it out.