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Things I say a lot:

"whoa"
"dude"
"honestly"
"fuck"
"shit"
"yeah right"

If you're programming the robot me right now, that list up there should help you out big time. Same goes for if you're planning on stealing my identity or researching me for a play about me. The play should be called, "Steady As She Goes" and it should focus more on my days in high school because those are the days that shaped the man you see before you today.

I've often thought about trying to write a novel or a movie loosely based on my life, because that seems to be a popular way to write a story, but I'd feel kind of weird assuming that mine is a tale worth telling. In fact, I know it isn't. I guess most people who do this end up sensationalizing things, like Zach Braff's "Garden State". That seemed to be an idealized version of a specific time of his life. In this fantasy version he bangs Natalie Portman and resolves issues with his daddy. The whole love story in that movie is so infuriating because it's the dweeby fantasy that all regular dudes have - you want to meet a smoking babe who's a nerd and who no else seems to find attractive, like that guy from Pretty In Pink. Duckie. I hate that character real bad.

I think I might have talked about that stuff up there before, but you need to be reminded. I have detailed instructions from your mother. Your mom also told me to remind you:

1) Don't share needles no matter how bad the economy gets.
2) Come home more, the cat misses you
3) You were raised with good morals, but you pissed them all away when you started dancin' for money
4) Play catch with your mama every so often! Dad hates that shit.

Let's do some news jokes. This news is from yesterday because I'm writing this yesterday. My joke will be bolded, while the news will be in the popular "Courier" font:

"Ottawa complains to Afghan ambassador over rape law"

Canadian officials called in Afghanistan's ambassador to express "deep concern" with a law that would make it illegal for Shiite women to refuse to have sex with their husbands.

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus!

Seriously though, that law sounds like it was drafted in 200 B.C. Even if the law is passed, what kind of a dick hole would call the cops because his wife is tired and doesn't want to do it? Here's how that call would go:

"Police here, what's your emergency"
"I just got home from work and I wanted to have sex with my wife and she said 'no' so I guess you guys should arrest her."
"Hold on two seconds, I've got another call. Police here, what's your emergency?"
"Suicide bomb at the grocery store! Send help!"
"First I have to go arrest a woman for not doing it, so hold tight. Hello?"
"Yeah Dave here"
"Feel free to restrain you wife and we'll be there ASAP."
"What if she changes her mind while you're on your way?"
"Where do you live?"
"Sand Street."
"My brother lives there, so if she ends up doing you I can just swing by there and say hi."
"Cool."

That was silly. I didn't expect to elaborate so much on that first news bit, but it kind of infuriated me. I'll do another one that's more light hearted.

"Red-faced Harper misses G20 photo"

One of the memorable moments at any summit of government leaders comes when they all get together for a group photo, but Prime Minister Stephen Harper was nowhere to be seen for today's shoot.

Harper's team responded by saying, "He actually was there, but as you well know, a vampire's image cannot be captured on film."

WHAM!!!!!