FOR SHINIER HAIR, JUST LET IT GET ALL GREASY

The big time thing that people are talking about right now is Swine Flu and because this blog is all about what's hip and what's now, I thought I'd discuss.

I hope I don't get Swine Flu, but only because it'd be kind of embarrassing. As far as I can tell, it's basically just like normal flu but spreads quicker and has a gross name. I went to this camp up north in grade 7 and got a parasite, which wasn't too bad. I just threw up every so often and my stomach felt weird. The worst part, besides the collection of stool samples, was that the parasite was commonly known as "Beaver Fever", prompting the kids in the school yard to poke a little fun. It also didn't help that some other guy in my class got it too, which led certain wise guys to the conclusion that we were both gay and that the parasite was transmitted sexually during our stay at the camp.

If Swine Flu were called "The Jade Virus" or "Mayan Blue Fever" or something, I don't think I'd mind getting it because it'd make me seem kind of cool. If I met someone with Swine Flu my mind would immediately produce a picture of them rolling around with pigs and eating mud, which is of course ridiculous unless the person I met was from Winnipeg. OHHHHHHHH!!!

This post is too similar to yesterday's about instruments and how their names effect how cool they are. For that I apologize, but as the excellent fantasy adventure story "The Name of the Wind" taught me, names are important. Go read that book guy.

Because I just read "The Stand" which is about a virus that kills most of Earth, the Swine Flu got me kind of scared that I'd be one of the people who dies and not one of the immune survivors who also gain telepathic abilities and take on an old lady as their new God. I felt this way until I read that it's just like regular flu. But we must be vigilant in making sure it doesn't spread too much because babies and the elderly are as good at fighting illness as they are at playing sports or just fighting things in general. Here are some Swine Flu tips I got from some guy handing out pamphlets in the bathroom at work. I didn't recognize him, but he had a nice beard and he greeted everyone by saying "hey cool cat" so I trusted him regardless.

1) Eating pork won't give you Swine Flu unless that pork is covered in Swine Flu. Same goes for beef, chicken, carrots, ice cream and Post Sugar Crisp cereal that's been dipped in Swine Flu - it'll give you Swine Flu.

2) If you think you have Swine Flu, go outside and tell everyone face to face so they know. Give the lads a hardy handshake and the lasses a peck on the cheek so they know you're not joking around.

3) If you know someone with Swine Flu, ensure their dwelling is sufficiently surrounded with garlic bulbs and pine boughs, which will keep raccoons and badgers off their property so they can get the rest they need to get better.

4) In case of a pandemic, don't bother stockpiling food or anything, because if the shit really hits the fan we're all going to need to become farmers and hunters so we might as well start practicing. It also wouldn't hurt to renew acquaintances with the toughest dudes you know so when tribes are formed you get on the right team.

Follow these tips and you're sure to get through this unscathed, unless you end up in a tribe full of artists.

Great tips!