I'LL HAVE THE HAM FLAKES WITH JUUUUST A BIT OF GRAPEFRUIT JUICE ON TOP

I had a bad sleep on Monday night. Here are the contributing factors:

1. It was warmer than usual in our abode so I couldn't really find an optimal blanket exposure level that would keep me at an ideal temperature. I can't sleep without some sort of blanket support and our comforter insulates like a tauntaun's inards so that didn't help, even though I was totally nakes.

2. I live on Queen St. West so there's usually some form of street noise going on outside, which I've gotten very accustomed to over the eight months we've been living there. But last night? OH MON. First, there were the sounds of garbage trucks. Then several sirens. Then a street sweeper that must have gone by at least four times. Sprinkle in the odd shouting asshole and you have a hostile sleeping environment.

3. I rarely drink coffee because it irritates my stomach and then my butt, but I drank some anyway on Monday and I'm sure THE added caffeine didn't do my sleep cycle any favours. You see, when the sandman surfed into my room on his neon snooze board, the caffeine acted as a deterrent and made him barf his sleep puke onto the floor instead of my mouth, get it? That's the whole science behind it.

And then there were the usual songs in my head and thinking about stuff that I usually erase with the reading of a book, which I didn't really do that night. With the heat and the tossing and the sirens etc., I kind of pictured myself in a movie like Lethal Weapon with that cool bluesy music playing and the hot, stinkin' city all around me with neon lights coming through the window and stuff and I'm sweatin' and tossing all about. Catch that vibe? I may be crazy.



I would've liked an example with more horns, but that's pretty much what I was talking about.

Speaking of horns, I've recently had the desire to learn how to play one, namely the trumpet. I think the trumpet would be way more popular if it had a better name because that's why everyone likes saxophones so much.

"Sax" sounds like "sex" and everyone seems to like that.

and

The "ophone" part is kind of funny and sounds quasi-futuristic, and people love laughing and the future.

"Trumpet" on the other hand rhymes with "crumpet", a food usually associated with boring old British people. When I think of crumpets I think of that guy Rumpole of the Bailey, whose namesake television program was the most boring show of all time when I was a kid. All the guy did was complain to his wife about dinner. I do love crumpets though. They suck up butter like a sponge.

The same theory applies to the clarinet. If they were instead called 'Black Scorpions' or 'Dark Nightmares', kids all over would want to play them instead of just shy girls and dweebs. I played the clarinet but it was only because my mom already owned one. No regrets.

So teach me the trumpet and make me sleep better.