THURSDAY COLUMN ORIGINALLY POSTED IN YESTERDAY'S ST. PAUL TRIBUNE

DUMB CELEBRITY MOMENT OF THE SEMESTER

I found this piece talking about Charlize Theron:

The South African-born star is furious that same-sex unions have not yet been legalised in her adopted country, insisting she will not marry long-term beau Stuart Townsend until the laws are changed.

I totally support her standing up for same-sex marriages, but I think refusing to marry her hunk boyfriend is the stupidest thing. It's funniest if you imagine her doing it in protest, as if the whole world is waiting anxiously for the big day.

"I really don't like to legalize same-sex marriage," said the law guy
"Need I remind you again? If we don't do this, Charlize Theron will NOT marry Stuart Townsend, the result of which would be catastrophic," said his assistant.
"Dammit you're right. Let's the gays be married. I'm tired of sleepless, tear filled nights thinking about how they're not married. We're doing this not just for us, but all creatures in the known universe."
"Then press the button."
"What button?"
"Isn't that how it works?"
"No man, it's a bit of a process."

It's really not much of a protest. No one cares whether or not they're married. Instead of threatening not to marry that guy, why not talk to politicians and rally some troops or something. I picture her telling Townsend about all this and he just rolls his eyes and she sees it and feels bad so she peels off her clothes and says the sexiest thing of all time and then boner and then love making and then he rolls his eyes again when he remembers what she said.

NEW FEATURE - MY THREE CENTS

Cent 1 - I'm getting kind of tired of Stephen Colbert trying to get things named after him. Now he has a space treadmill bearing his name. I think he should come out with a line of products instead. That would be funny. Like Colbert brand frozen concentrate. Something we can all enjoy, you know? What do I care about a treadmill I'll never use or even lay eyes on in real life?

Cent 2 - For fun on the Internet, try finding old Geocities pages like this one. Back then the Internet was like a dweeb and you found him fascinating but annoying and most of the stuff he said went over your head and he dressed weird. Now the Internet is more like Justin Timberlake but way smarter.

Cent 3 - This has been "MY THREE CENTS".

See how it's getting sunnier??? I did that! I went on a ouija board and talked to the sun spirits. They said "OK YEAPH, WE WILLT MATE IT SUNNY". You're welcome.