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April 1, 2009

AN OLD MOVIE REVIEW AND A LITTLE GAME AT THE BOTTOM FOR A RAINY APEY FOOL DAY

I watched Mike Myers' much shat on 2008 comedy, "The Love Guru" the other night. I'll shit on it as well, but I did laugh a few times and the middle of the movie wasn't too bad. Here are the things that ruined that movie:

1) The beginning was diarrhea inducing and featured some of the worst jokes and pacing you've ever seen in a film.

2) The cast was the worst assembled since Mr. Fredericks decided to cast Jane Chen instead of Patty Bruster as Pig Number Three in Trudeau Elementary School's third grade production of "The Three Little Pigs":



Keep smilin' Jane you no talent pile of garbage! The third pig is supposed to emote cockiness and drive, not giddiness and vulnerability. Oh, and have your mom stop making peanut butter and banana sandwiches for lunch, your breath smells like the bathroom of a circus.

The Love Guru features Jessica "I'm all tits, ass and face" Alba, Jessica "I'm all tits, ass and face" Simpson and Vern Troyer whom Mike Myers assumed could act for some reason. Some of the other actors do a good job especially Jim Gaffigan, but the script couldn't even make Stephen Colbert funny, except in one part when he talks nonsense for a minute of two.

3) The character of "The Love Guru" was unlikable, confusing and overly stupid. When you'd rather a film's protagonist die rather than live, you know it's headed in the wrong direction.

4) I heard that there were a lot of dick jokes in this movie and the rumours are true. Remember the dick jokes in other Mike Myers movies like that one in Austin Powers 2 when they see that flying dick ship and they all almost say 'dick' but they never do? So funny, but the ones in The Love Guru seemed as if it was written by bad kids in a drama class who smoke and who waited until the last minute to write a play and it was as bad as the teacher and the rest of the kids expected. Then the teacher has a chat with the guys about how he expected more and it really hits home with one of them who reforms his ways and becomes a city planner.

Overall I think Myers was on the right track, but he didn't have anyone around him to tell him his ideas were dumb because he's so mega rich, famous and successful. I assume he was trying to make a more adult comedy but didn't know when to stop with all the references to dicks and sex with dicks. I think he'll make another good movie at some point because there are some rare glimmers of the old Mike Myers we know in love sprinkled sparingly throughout the film.

That review was very untimely. In order for blogs to be popular they have to stay current and packed to the brim with zeitgeist and words like 'zeitgeist'. But I don't have anything current to talk about. I'd prefer to live in the not too distant past and the distant future as you well know. But just in case, here's a picture of an iphone with something futuristic plugged in:



Now take a deep breath and try out this new game I thought of today: When you're walking down the street with your dog/aunt/friend, pick a tall building in the distance, pretend you're Spiderman and map out the route you would take via web slinging. You'll realize that Spiderman can really only operate effectively in NYC and in any other city he'd probably have to use a lot of lamp posts. Trust guy, check it out.

3 comments:

pointless poster said...

I never understood how Spider-Man could just websling something from the ground and then magically pull himself up to it. The webbing doesn't retract into his hand...

Mrs. Poland said...

Greg and I have had the convo before either walking around this city or looking at it from a highway. We agree, that there is no way that Spiderman would survive in any city other than NYC.

Duke of Spook said...

Good question, Pointless. I think you just have to assume that he has the Spider Strength and Spider jumping ability to get himself up. He'd probably tell you, "It's a lot harder than it looks".

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