LASER DISCS AND DART BOARDS - COOL OR NOT COOL?

Yesterday I took a step toward a career path by enrolling in an advertising course at Humber just in time for the fall season. The good thing about wanting to be a copy writer is that I can also work on other writing at the same time, which will give me well rounded stats like Mario in Mario Kart. Big time slaps on the back to Alicia who helped me out and linksed me with an experience copywriter who could've crushed my dreams but didn't, insisting my background of being a garbage man, a pool salesman, a comedian and a proofreader could actually benefit me. Keep your eyes on this place come September because school will give me a lot more to say other than "I'm sick of my job and I'm a bozo" type of stuff.

It's about to be the first weekend in August, which means CIVIC HOLIDAY. I thought I was going away but it looks like I'm not, so it'll be my job to dominate Toronto this weekend the only way I know how - by wandering around and buying food probably. I have my sights set on fish and chips. But if you're the more adventurous type, why not try one of these kid-friendly activities:

The CN Tower "Top of the World" Pig Roast and Euchre tournament - Saturday and Sunday, noon to 5:00 pm

Enjoy a sumptuous feast courtesy of the Milton Historical Preservation society's "Snout Patrol" high atop the nation's most famous big thing. After lunch, stick around as 28 of the world's top euchre players play for keeps and $50 worth of Toronto Argonauts merchandise. Be sure to bring your own tether.

Ontario Association of Vans presents Van Jam '09 in High Park - Sunday only

Join Van Association president and recent grandfather, Geoff Hank Eyeplot as he rings in this year's Van Jam with a ceremonial spark plug gapping. Over 6 vans will be on display and rumour has it that York Liverpuss, owner of a 1989 Chevy Astrovan will be making his famous Peach Sparkle. Admission is $50 for adults and $90 for children over the age of 5. The first six fans will receive a Frisbee from the '07 jam.

The Royal Ontario Museum and Glorfax Illusions - Civic Scares

Visit the ROM on holiday Monday and experience shit-your-pants scares suitable for the whole family. We've invited Glorfax the Scarred, famed illusionist and probable warlock to use the ROM as he pleases. "I will make dinosaurs come alive and they will destroy you," Glorfax said in a press release issued Thursday. Do you have a favourite exhibit that you'd like him to illusionate? Email Freddy Hott, the ROM's public relations coordinator with your request. The scarier the better! Oh yeah, he already said he was going to use the mummies to "revive the terror of ancient pharaohs" so all you little Egypt fans don't have to worry!

And there you have the latest adventure of The Hippie-Crite. Here's a link to the first two if you need to get caught up. Don't worry though, there's no continuity. In fact, they're all pretty much the same.

You guys know the whole story behind that chicky who got her moron boyfriend to murder this other teen, right? They just released her real name and likeness, and on thestar.com there was this image:

The court artist has a lot of trouble drawing mouths! The drawing looks like a character from Alice in Wonderland or something. It looks like she's saying "deeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwff". And why is her head levitating? We'll never know...

OR WILL WE

Hello my name is Fred Preef, courtroom artist and amateur woodworker. The reason my painting of the suspect is as such is because I was eating Triscuits and cheese at the time and I wasn't really paying attention. By the time I was done and took a look at her lips I was like "that's not accurate but nobody's perfect" so I left it. In terms of her floating head, I'm pretty sure that actually happened. But that's just one man's opinion. I'm off to pick up my daughter Sue Doll from Private School. It was nice talking to you.

I found that note floating in my toilet last night.

Have you bought Ontario cherries yet? We bought some sours yesterday and they're setting my soul on fire.

CORN CHIPS IN THE PANTRY AND SOCKS IN THE OVEN

A little while back I wrote some stuff about hard work and how I didn't think I've worked very hard for anything in my life, which has led me to this current mini-rut I'm kind of in. Since then I've tried reforming my ways to mixed results. The biggest problem is that I still can't tell if I'm working hard. Maybe I've been working hard this whole time and I just didn't realize it, or maybe I've just fooled myself into believing I have. I guess it's all relative just like most things in life (whether or not a girl is a babe or not etc.). In any case, I still feel like I waste a lot of time doing nothing and/or meaningless tasks that yield instant gratification, like cutting my fingernails or putting things in my backpack for the next day.

So I've pretty much stayed the course since we last talked, although I am getting better I think. The weekends are still a total write-off. That's a tough one to break out of. Our whole lives we're taught that the only people who work on weekends are bartenders, shop keeps and those in the sex trade, and when Friday hits we shut down and spend all our money on pizza even though we have food in the fridge. It all boils down to the fact that the avenues I wish to pursue require working when you're done working, so it's like you have two jobs. And because work usually means eye rolls and slumped shoulders, it's tough toast getting it all done.

I bought the movie "Summer Rental" from a convenience store last week and Liv and I watched it on Sunday. It was a family favourite of ours and it holds up quite nicely! Although the final act pretty much sucks shit and comes with the worst overdub in movie history:

If they couldn't get the little girl in the film to do it, then why couldn't they just find another little girl?

Tomorrow you can expect the third issue of "The Hippie-Crite", a comic panel series about a hippie who should change his attitude BIG TIME.

WALDO FROM THOSE BOOKS DRESSES PRETTY COOL ACCORDING TO TODAY'S STANDARDS

I was going to draw a new Hippie-Crite cartoon, but when you have no drawing skills whatsoever, a six panel silly takes a long time even though the end product appears to have taken five minutes. Sorry mom!

While Google image searching, I recently came across a treasure bowl of scans from some family. This calls for investigation. I'll show some pictures and try to figure out what the family is like - so it's basically another caption thing. You like those, right?

No offense to your tastes or anything, but if you don't think this picture is cowabunga then you should hit the books and go back to cool school. When I first looked at it I think it was a guy with streamers on his nose, about to hit the park to feed the ducks while slamming some martinis. His granddaughter was appalled by his breath and that other person was mad that he was blocking the piano. Upon closer inspection it seems that the streamers on his nose is actually some sort of breathing apparatus and that cocktail shaker is maybe some oxygen - although I'm pretty sure it is a cocktail shaker. And that's DEFINITELY bread.

There's plenty more where that came from. I'm now going to use one to create a poster for elementary school libraries all over Canada.

I was watching MTV's "16 and Pregnant" last night and I got the feeling that the daddy had a kid just so he could get a tattoo of his baby's name - "Bentley". That's a dumb name alright, but when you're 16 you are dumb so it's no big deal. That'd even be a stupid name for a dog. Oh well. I'm no scientist myself.

YOGURT CLARK WAS HERE

Of course the Scottage was a great time! What did you expect? That leads us to this month's edition of "THE ONLY PROBLEM WAS" brought to you by coats.

The only problem was the weather. We got there around 4pm ish on Friday and there was a bit of sun, so those of us who were there were determined to make use of it. Stein and I adopted the motto "Dip while the dippin's good", and took to the lake for inhuman activity "swimming".

But then we experienced a classic southern Ontario summer Saturday consisting of off and on rain and no big time heat - that's the kind of heat that allows you to run in rain no problem and splash and slide around and that kind of thing. But don't worry. We still managed to drink several beers, play games and make delicious meals. I made ribbies.

The only other problem was my stomach, which didn't react kindly to the beer, meat sauce, brownies and chips that were fed to it on Friday. Because of this I slept like a moron and was uncomfortable and tired for most of Saturday. But rock n' roll music and peer pressure has taught me that the party must go on and I managed to bounce back nicely for a full night of getting silly.

Images can be located on social networking sites probably. Do some research for a change.

DO YOU HAVE A DINER'S CLUB CARD? WHO DOES?

In grade 9 French class, our professeur asked us to bring in our favourite song, play it in front of everyone, then talk about it in French. This one girl played U2's With Or Without You and the teacher started crying. I don't know what to play so I brought in this Rancid song that I didn't even really like that much just so I'd look cool. Results varied probably.

TALKIN' ME

Remember when I mentioned I was in some Eye Magazine photos once? Here's a couple of them:

I forget what the theme of the shoot was, but I think Jon (far right) and I were demons or something. That other guy was a real good dude - an ex- football player who read books all day and wore sharp hats.

yeah demons for sure.

If I ever make a movie, the opening sequence is going to be "Hip to be Square" by Huey Lewis and will feature some guy with sunglasses going around his town on a sunny day and greeting everyone he sees.

Content was thin today because I have a cottage weekend on deck and I can't keep my mind straight - hence the self-indulgent display.

HAROLD POTTER AND HIS MISSING BEANS OUT 2078

MOVIE REVIEW - Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince

I love Harry Potter as much as the next cool adult, but Half-Blood Prince was probably my least favourite out of all the books, so going into the film adaptation I wanted chocolate cake but was expecting crackers and ginger beer.


I give full winks to the way the film looked - the special effects were extra special and the whole thing looked dark without being too dark - kind of like Nine Inch Nails.

The acting was just fine, with the core cast doing a great job at conveying awkward teen romance while being wizards. I think I've said it before, but I think Radcliffe, Grint and Watson are great little actors and seemingly better human beings, which can't really be said of the American scrotes who live in Hollywood and who believe they're more important than technology itself. Yeah right! Do they even know what kind of an impact Twitter is having? Laughable.

The main reason I'm not giving this picture an "A+" along with a stellar parent-teacher interview that goes way past its allotted time because both parties couldn't stop praising the child, is because the story just isn't that good. I remember finishing the book and thinking most of it was spent preparing the reader for the ending. Nothing else really happened. The same thing happened in the adapted screen version and will probably happen again the in book based on the film based on the book, which doesn't exist yet, but maybe will in the future because everything just seems to get sillier around here on Earth, right?

This weekend myself and friends take our annual trip to my friend Scott's family cottage, or "Scottage" for Canadian summer fun. Last summer it rained cats and piss all weekend so our good time wasn't 100%. If that happens again this year I'm going to flip my lid.

PRINCE GREGOR AND HIS WONDERFUL LIPS

If you need any further proof that band Sugar Ray is the lamest, check out the title of their upcoming offering: "Music for Cougars". I don't even know if teenagers would think that's funny and they laugh at everything from animals having sex to shy, harmless introverts who don't know how to party.

Title Analysis courtesy of Felpoon Laboratories, Moncton, New Brunswick

Strike one is starting with "Music for...", which has been done more times than Christina Aguilera has grasped wieners. Then strikes two, three and a million is using the term "cougar", which is well on its way to entering the joke space occupied by mullets and Austin Powers impressions. Then again, if indeed the music is intended for cougars, I think this is probably a title they'd enjoy. Marketing misstep or total genius? That's the question you should be asking yourself when putting the roast in the oven tonight.

New toppy

The last couple of days I've been working on a new video short by myself and it's been tough going because when you do things solo you don't have anyone telling you if it's no good or not. So I'd like to invite you all over to my house to watch me work and applaud every time I do something you like. When you see something you don't like a classic "boo" will suffice. I can't really think of anything else to say on the topic other than "follow your dreams".

Would you rather French kiss your parent of the same sex for 15 seconds, or watch your best friend kiss your parent of the opposite sex for 15 seconds? This is kind of a tough one.

I'M FINE WITH NOVELTY SOCKS AS LONG AS THEY'RE NOT YOUR EXCLUSIVES

Plug of the afternoon

Last night I went to see my friends in Toronto's Sunday Night Live at Comedy Bar, hosted by veteran comedy guy Jerry Minor and the show was hot potatoes with garlic butter. The reason I mention this is because they do it every Sunday at 9:00pm and you should grace them with your presence one of these days. The only acceptable excuse not to go would be if you eat shit.

Is that costume up there supposed to be sexual? Because it most certainly is. That should be the cover of AC/DC's next album. Or it should've been the cover of the "Plug Me In" DVD instead of this grampa'd thing. It'd be a good experiment to see if grizzled rock fans even give a darn about packaging.

"This cover seems gay or weird of somethin', but it's AC/DC so I'm confused."
"Are you going to buy or not Kirk? These frozen chicken wings are melting, I gotta pick up my kid from Destiny's house and make it home in time to feed my mutt."
"I'll get it, but I ain't keeping the sleeve."
"Can I have it?"
"What for?"
"That broad has tits don't she?"
"I guess."

The title of that play is "That's the way love goes"

Time for a caption contest - the universal game where you get to poke fun at an image of my choosing.

After his one man band "Octopus Dude" failed to impress record execs, Cliff turned to the dark aid of Wiccan princess Eliza who blessed his guitar with evil prayers whilst in her rumpus room.

Or...

Ladies and gentlemen... HOME SCHOOLING

Or...

Christmas with the Turd family.

Now you try some. You can swear if you want. I didn't but don't let that stop you.

MEAT DRINKS STILL DON'T EXIST BUT THEY WILL BECAUSE THEY GOTTA TRY EVERYTHING

This past weekend I learned some lessons that were borderline valuable. Profitable maybe? You be the judge.

The verdict is babe

I didn't have anything planned on Saturday so I decided I'd try to shop for some new clothes because I've been told that people do that sometimes. Liv and I hit Queen St., the coolest street on Queen St. and took in some of the many boutiques that hock cotton threads. This is where the lesson comes in - I can't shop at these boutiques! The only options a man has when shopping for modern fare is stripes or plaid. I have plenty of that already you yogurt face. After buying a couple of records we finally ended up at a vintage store that once clothed me for a fashion shoot I did for Eye many moons ago so I was in my "comfort matrix". I found a shirt and Liv got a dress and some shoes. Then we ate California sandwiches for obvious reasons.

I learned that unless I'm buying work wear (biz cajjj) I'm going to stick to the thrift and vintage stores that have given me so much in the past. Sorry I momentarily turned my back on you boys - daddy's home and he's brought donuts.

Let's go back in time.

On Friday we took in the Sarah Silverman gala at Massey Hall. Such a gas. The lineup was unbeatable, and the crowd, which was made up of my demographic, enjoyed almost every second. After I went to the Rhino for Ginger's birthday but I didn't take pictures again so it's hard for me to explain the fun had. The reason I don't bring my camera anywhere is because my pockets are already full with cell phone, wallet and matching change purse which is the most feminine part of me next to my fighting ability.

MINUSCULE SCHOOL

On Monday I bought a bunch of bananas, a reliable jungle fruit of notorious rapport, whose only downfall is shelf life. The thing I love best about bananas other the their creamy, smooth texture and tropical taste, is the fact that they come in their own package. I don't have to worry about some dick-toucher at the grocery mart handling my bananas because only weird beards eat the peel. Anyway, Liv didn't know I bought these bananas because she's an IDIOT and bought some herself, leaving us with way too many bananas, destined to go bad.

What does a man do when faced with too many bananas???

MAKE A JUNGLE LOAF

(banana bread)

My mom used to b-bread all the time during my youth so you might say I have a taste for it. I found a simple recipe online and put my own spin on it by sprinkling sugar on top, ensuring a golden crisp sweet crust. I should've put chocolate chips in too but I had potatoes on my mind because breakfast was fast approaching and I bought too many potatoes the other day.

Tonight we're going to a Just for Laughs gala featuring some of the funniests in North America. I'm probably going to laugh. Stop by here on Monday for a full report and a live feed of me playing hockey with a tennis ball in my living room.

Here's a new cheer:

HURROP! HURROP! HURROPEE! DON DINGER!

A NEW SHORT CIRCUIT MOVIE? THAT FRANCHISE IS ONLY 15% GOOD

I got a great letter today from a Danny Wheat who lives in Sherwood Forest, England:

Cheers,

Do you like my house? (he included a picture of his quaint cottage. Spectacular stuff Danny!) I was wondering what your Internet name means. Come by for squares one day, my gram will make some if you come. Do you like Buckleberries? They're like a radish combined with quince.

Regards

Mr. Daniel Wheat

Here's where "Duke of Spook" comes from:



I've spoken at length of the merits of Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, so I'll spare you more praise. Station.

Good mystery solved though eh? No more sleepless nights for you. I can't believe I found a clip at the perfect spot!

Things are coming up flat screens over here at WIDAHIA headquarters. If only Liv would let me get a cat.

There's a fax machine at work that goes "OOoOOOoOOOOoOOooOoOoOooOo" just like a character we once came up with called "Dead Gay Ghost". He haunts you nuts and your butts.

We'll leave it at that!

You've all been so damn good today!

See you at the buffet.

A 'TIGER WOODS' IS MILK MIXED WITH BEER

Yesterday I took to the local cineplex for a screening of "Bruno", a movie about a fake gay guy who scares people with flamboyancy.

I really liked "Borat" because it was so silly while also holding a mirror up to American society reflecting an image that rednecks probably didn't like. But Bruno was pretty dumb the whole way through offering little in the way of intelligence. Even the scene where he goes out hunting with a bunch of hicks was disappointing. The down home hunters acted how anyone, regardless of sexual orientation, would've acted if a naked Austrian guy came into their tent at three in the morning, gay or not gay.

All that up there aside, there were still a few laughs and some good scenes, but it probably could have been way better, much like new flavours of Skittles.

So if you liked Borat a bit and have a date coming up, I'd recommend staying in and watching Aliens instead. It's a guaranteed a-ok and your date might grab your sex places in horror depending on how big of a scaredy waredy he or she is.

JON WATCH

Jon Gosselin has been gallivanting around French Riviera draped in sparkle tiger shirts, brandishing cigarettes and hanging off the arm of a 22 year old hussy who was once arrested for possession of weeeeeed. I always defended Jon, but I gotta question these latest moves. I hope he's only in this relationship for the bang banging because it's so clear that this young woman is in it for the fame, celebrity, cash, and riveted tattoo jungle shirts. It's rare that any woman under the age of 30 would get into a relationship with a man who has kids, let alone one with eight. And she's gotta be frightened of Kate, who may be a controlling cow, but at least appears as if she still wants to be a mother. If this new lady tries to step into her role she'd better watch out -

KATE VS. HAILEY GLASSMAN LIVE AT THE MGM GRAND. WINNER GETS CUSTODY OF LEAH, HANNAH AND AIDEN.

COTTAGE CHEESE IS NAMED AS SUCH BECAUSE IT'S A GETAWAY FROM REGULAR CHEESE

My vacation went by faster than the city of Toronto loses interest in the Blue Jays after they start losing. It felt like I was there for 24 hours. In the future there will be a pill you can take that regulates the way your brain processes time - possible side effects include increased heart rate, nausea, confusion, sore throat and an overwhelming wave of nostalgia. That last one may sound good, but having memories that are too fond can make each subsequent experience feel shitty. Surgeon's General Warning guy.

I've decided that trying to find new jobs online is about as hopeless as the Jays' playoff chances - they stink! I'm in the process of regrouping and devising a new strategy that will require a lot more networking and cold calling, which are two of my pet peeves along with out of control dogs and teenagers. I had a phone interview for an internship the other day but decided against it because not having a full time job is scary in today's economic climate - just ask the cast of Home Improvement!

Here are some bonus vacation features that weren't in the original theatrical release:

- We sustained a flat tire on the way. Andy and I couldn't change the tire because the bolts were too tight. We're still men though.

- We watched "The Abyss". For the most part that movie still rules although the second half has a bit of crud on it.

Coming this Autumn - a four disc vacation retrospective featuring story boards, commentaries and a full listing of all the food I ate. Can't wait until then? Catch me at Massey Hall on August 9 for a live Q&A moderated by Jian Ghomeshi of CBC Radio with opening act "The Odds".

I've been eating way too many bite sized fruit candies lately. The only way to stop it is with chocolate.

I BECAME A REFEREE NO PROBLEM - NO HAZING WHATSOEVER

I'm back from a mini summer minor four day southwest of here.

In layman's terms that means I'm back from a vacation in southwestern Ontario. If you read this on Thursday and Friday you already know this and know what I did because those posts were ACCURATE to what transpired.

Did I mention we saw KISS?

So sick...

...but we made a crucial mistake.

Much to the delight of Andy and I but to the chagrin of most of the crowd, the bulk of KISS' set was taken directly from their masterpiece "ALIVE!". For a true fan this a fantastic track listing of non-cheesy hard rocking KISS songs, ones that wouldn't be familiar to a casual rock fan. Their last song was "Rock n Roll All Nite" and were like "they had to play that" and then figured they'd do one encore and that would be it. To avoid the crowd we decided to get going. On our way to the parking lot we heard "Shout It Out Loud" - a reasonable encore song and fitting end. Then they started playing another song and it was "Lick It Up" which pissed off Andy so bad because we never thought they'd play it. Then we heard Gene do his solo and we knew we were missing the best part of the show. By the end we missed "God of Thunder", "Love Gun" and "Detroit Rock City" along with the aforementioned. Terrible move by us. But it was sick nonetheless. Gene sounded good and Tommy Thayer and Eric Singer did great jobs imitating Ace Frehley and Peter Criss respectively.

Back to work after vacation is like eating a good meal then getting the barfs. Or diarrhea.

For lunch today I want tacos, but like, where would I get good ones? There's no good ones around my work.

VACATION DAY 2

I'm on vacation still. I'm probably doing this:


Except I'm not in a swamp but rather a lakeside backyard.

I like to think that the woman in the yellow and the younger guy were working the grill and beard man was in the swamp playing hacky sack and working up quite the appetite. He looked over and saw the two mishandling the meat - pressing burgers, poking at sausages etc. and was like "Ah Hell. I been lookin' forward to this here ber-b-q since Easter Sunday and I ain't gonna let no yellow coated broad or a silly-coated pencil neck geek ruin my feed. Shove over stretch I'm takin' over!"

So he got on the grill and made the best sausages, while teaching the other two how to do it right.

Enjoy the weekend! It's the vacation everyone gets but still isn't as fun as a regular vacation. It's like a free giveaway at an event, you know?

VACATION DAY 1

Hi there. I'm on vacation. I'm in a good mood and I'm probably doing this:

Except I probably don't have a family riding with me.

Imagine your dad bought a Sea Doo and was like "Everybody on!" and you're like "Why don't we just take turns?" and he goes "GET ON THE FUCKIN' THING. I DIDN'T BUY IT SO YOU COULD GO OUT ON THE LAKE BY YOURSELF WHILE I SIT ASHORE SCRATCHING MY NUTS. NOW SIT BEHIND YOUR SISTER AND WEDGE YOUR CROTCH AS HARD INTO HER ASS AS POSSIBLE. WE GOTTA FIT FOUR BODIES ON THIS DAMN THING!"

My family is close and all but you would never catch us riding four or five deep on a personal watercraft.

Whenever I picture vacations I just picture this:

That's not me though. I'm way stronger than him.

GIVE ME A CRANE, DUKE

I don't feel as gruesome yesterday so I went to work. I still have some abdominal pain, but my butt has settled down significantly which means I can venture into the outside world without the fear of there being no bathroom nearby. This is a fear I've had since I was a kid when I was too shy to ask anyone if there was a bathroom nearby so I'd end up relieving myself on the spot. This happened at least three times - a soiling at Cub Camp, and pissings at a monster truck rally and a T-Ball tournament.

A while ago on this blog I talked about how pants can't get any tighter these days. Those who love women's bummies should not take this for granted and should feel free to stare without reprocussion. I also said that the only way things could get crazier is if girls stopped wearing pants altogether and it looks like we're on our way!

Lady Gaga is poised to lead the movement and Rihanna is following in her footsteps, recently opting to go virtually shirtless:


What a town!

On Thursday and Friday I'm leaving Stink City for Smellville, as we embark to Sarnia, Ontario to visit Liv's family and get crazy at Bay Fest, this featuring well known worldwide brand KISS. Instead of normal posts I'll do something silly for you to view. Then on Monday I'll tell you all about everything. Deal? Throw in a ham pie and we'll call it even.

COOK ME A CRAB DISH OR I'LL FOR SURE DROP THIS HAMSTER INTO THAT GORGE

On Sunday night/Monday morning I was feeling kind of scuzzy and had some trouble sleeping so I tossed and kicked for awhile and had a crazy dream where clones of my friends were at my house and I had to kill them. This must have been my body's way of telling me to expect diarrhea because I awoke Monday morning with diarrhea. Sucks so bad. All day I've had these stabbing abdominal pains and several trips to the toilet room. Is this what it's like to have a menstrual cycle? If so, then that sucks. If my reproductive organs did this to me once a month I'd whine all the time and punch walls.

Woody Allen always dates total babes in his movies. No way Meryl Streep at the peak of her hotness would do that little guy. I guess she turns into a lesbian so maybe that's the point. Manhattan is on right now.


In lieu of me doing nothing worth writing about today but watching the second Lord of the Rings, drinking Gatorade and reading fantasy movies, here is another installment of "This Day in LiveJournal History" featuring a short silly about my sister:

July 7 2001

my sister explained to me today why she might become a vegetarian. You see she used to hate chickens "because they're so stupid and I got pecked really bad by them once at Bronte farm and it was my life long mission to eat them. Then I saw this show on chickens and how they just throw away male chicks because they don't lay eggs and then they feed them to minks and i felt bad. then they showed chickens fighting or something and then i realized they are really stupid after all" then why don;t you want to eat them anymore Laura? Why?

Hopefully I feel better tomorrow, but if not maybe I'll live blog my day which will probably involve more Gatorade.

STICK A FORK IN MY DVD PLAYER BUT WIPE THE MILK OFF FIRST.

That weekend wins full marks for sunshine and relaxed living. How did I spend it? You're about to find out!

No duh I do this every Monday. If you're new you now know and next Monday you won't be shocked.

On Saturday I went over to my Uncle's house for my cousin's fourth birthday party. I ate pizza, Batman cake and ice cream and watched children playing and saying funny things that adults don't say because we're way smarter. Kids are simple - they like toys, sweet things and fun. Give them that and they won't cry.

After that Liv and I took to Kensington Market to go see my friend Aurora's sssssick Fringe Festival Play "36 Plays About Hopeless Girls". Before we entered the theatre we drank fresh squeezed lemonade and I bought some new five dollar shades that scream "YEAH, ALRIGHT".

For dinner that night myself and friend Andrew went to the Black Hoof to experience their meat. We ate so many different and wonderful cured meats along with delicious cheeses and then hit some roasted bone marrow and calf brain ravioli. We ate olives too. In the olden days people ate that shit like us future men eat Smarties so it's no big deal. I dare you to eat toe nails. I wonder if they have nutritional value. Probably have some starch at least. Or betacarotine.

After that we went to another Carlsberg party thanks to Andy. The hosts graciously provided a keg as well so there was a lot of drinking beer happening. The great thing about parties is that they provide a space for fun no matter what your style. But if your style is being stupid then get outta the party.

My favourite McDonald's character is Fry Guy. That was Denzel Washington's nickname on the set of "Remember The Titans".

SUCK A MANGO YOU DIRT MOSS

Last night I had a dream that Liv and I moved to a farm with a Field of Dreams style baseball diamond. In the dream I was like "Geez, I'm scared of raccoons, how can I run a farm?" When I awoke I got thinking about the old days again and realized that I'm lucky I'm not from the era of agriculture. I'm the least handy guy there is. My most hated thing in the world is probably modular furniture because of the assembly. So if lived back in frontier times, what occupation would I hold?

I guess I'd be a writer, a musician, a baker or just a tormented soul who is forced to work against his passions, slaving in the bean fields and rhubarb patches. It'd sort of be like being gay I suppose. Speaking of which, what do homosexual males thinks of female breasts? Do they:

a) Think nothing of them.
b) Wish they had them.
c) Still kind of like them.

I should ask one of my gay friends. I'm pretty sure the answer is a) but it probably varies from person from person.

While on this topic, do you think the popularity of the female bosom amongst straight males will ever diminish? Their approval rating has remained at 100% for centuries, but maybe one day boobs will fall out of fashion and breast reductions will be en vogue amongst the rich and famous. Stranger things have happened - OJ being found innocent, Michael Jackson turning into a white alien, George Bush being re-elected, the fact that on of the world's most popular drink is the milk of other animals etc. At the end of the day, us humans are just a crazy, well designed bunch of guys!

Welcome to the weekend all you great children of adults - let's party

PARTYING WITH THE GHOSTBUSTERS OR EATING CHIPS WITH GANDALF?

Hi there! Back to work for some of you? Yeah me too. I had a damn fine Canada Day. On Canada Day Eve my friends and I donned our sailing whites and hit the Boat for a CanCon dance party. We actually just wore regular clothes. We all drank a lot of beers and rang in the birth of our nation the best way possible - by honouring its excellent music as well as its mediocre. A mixed bag of nutties! I barfed green at 4:30am.

Yesterday I wasn't feeling so hot but still managed to play a game of catch, eat a burger and watch fireworks from a condominium window and they were like bow pow bingle bam. I think that was about as good the day was going to get so I feel I really maximized my time.

At first I was peeved at the idea of a mid-week Canada Day, but surprisingly I'm really enjoying it. Thursday feels like Monday, so Friday will feel like Tuesday, but since it's actually Friday which is generally the best day, my mind will experience a pang of ecstasy at the thought of a weekend when physically it feels like Wednesday and Thursday. And then NEXT week I only work Monday to Wednesday so Thursday will feel like like a Saturday, Friday like a Sunday and then Saturday will feel like Saturday and Sunday will feel like Sunday and then everything will go back to normal for a bit.

I hope you're enjoying the resurrection of "Graffiti Classics", which began as a writing-on-desks-in-university ritual, continuing today in modern digital. New feature!

CANADA DAY SHOULD BE EVERY DAY BUT NOT LIKE THE ANNUAL CANADA DAY

Happy Canada Day! You're still a teenager in country years.




I wish I had the patience to compile a Douglas Coupland style list of unique Canadian things that I like, but as far as lists go if the content isn't available off the top of my head I don't bother. Here are some tidbits regardless because it's Canada's birthday and it's the one day in the year we all feel proud to be nice guys.

The best Canada Day I've had in recent memory was a few years ago when I was in London. It was toward the end of a European Tour and we went to this Canadian Pub to celebrate. I was feeling homesick but when we started partying the homesickness gave way to a sense of pride as we sipped Moosehead, listened to Tom Cochrane and ate poutine. It's kinda shit that I had to go to a different country to feel that way, but whatever works, right?

I felt the same way when my sister and I were in California and we saw the Tragically Hip in San Francisco. I don't like it when people nay say the Hip. If some guy from another nation was like "show me some Canadian music" I'd make him listen to the Hip for sure. If you disagree you can just frig out of here and eat some Haw Flakes in a dark corner.

I'm pretty Canadian. Hockey is one of my favourite things, I like our beer a whole lot and I love it when Canadians get world famous. When I went to San Francisco the first time, my friends and I were at a bar and talking to some locals when I started flashing my Health Card around and bragging about how easy it is if we get sick or injured.

So important

That's pretty much it for the Canada Day edition. Not the best, not the worst, just right. Stay tuned for my 4th of July BLOWOUT, where I heap praise upon Uncle Sam and his friends Abe Lincoln and Arnold Palmer.