LAST POST OF THE YEAR FIRST POST OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

Before anything gets started today, I'd like to thank our 2008 sponsor, Biff's Fruit Toys



Unfortunately Graham "Biff" Unitas is retiring the brand at the strike of 3 pm today, so we're looking for a new sponsor for 2009. If you have a business and would like worldwide exposure targeted at the 18-47 demographic, contact my on ICQ or just call me or something and we'll set you up. You give me money and I talk about your stuff. Sound good?

Ahhhhhh the mood is now lightened. The candles have been lit, the dog is asleep at your feet, the wine has had a chance to breath, you're snake is fed, you called your dad, the kiln is off and your garlic bread is juuuuuuust about ready...

2008 YEAR IN REVIEW (afterword by Governor General Michelle Jean)

SECTION 1 - PROFESSIONAL

You guys have heard me complain about several things this year, but complaining about work had to be number one. I started 2008 with my head held high, ready to find a new job. I've ended 2008 with the same job I had before and no prospects whatsoever. Will 2009 be the same? Will I pull a Forrest Gump and run across the country with a beard? No. But my strategy has to change. I guess the main thing is that I still don't really know what it is I want to do or how I'll do it once I do decide. I'm very weary of commitment because I'm scared I'll make the wrong choice. Not finding a new job had to be bummer of the year. If ever I was in a bad mood, this is probably why. On the other hand, had I got a new job I probably wouldn't have updated this cocksucker so often, as most of these writings are forged at the office.

SECTION 2 - PERSONAL

Pretty vague section huh? Ah well. Personally, 2008 was very good. I spent most of the year living with two good friends and my brother in a huge house downtown full of every dude amenity you could ever imagine - Arcade machine, video games, pool table, dart board, big tv. We had a rat once but it died in the basement and I didn't have to pick it up because Andy was more of a man than us. Then I made a big step and moved into a gigantic apartment on Queen St. with my steady girl. That's pretty good right? My finances are in order and I have my health so personally I'm looking coooooool for the new year. All I need now is some new threads and maybe a skateboard.

SECTION 3 - RECREATION

I managed to perform quite a bit this year and I've gotten more comfortable being on stage by myself, which is a tough thing to do and I can't believe I've even done it at all. Andy and I started our improv duo Jet Fighter Pilots that people seem to like and I was able to hang around some really creative, inspiring people that make the monotony of work seem like pancakes in the garbage can. On top of that mound of rubies, the last month or so I've been working on a play with my friend Jon and some other wonderful people that will be going down on January 7th. I think I'm finally comfortable on stage for the most part and I have my friends and Toronto's finest creative types to thank for the encouragement and support. Oh man what a tear jerker! I had a dream last night that combined the Goonies with Stand by Me (again) and in the dream we were at the end of the movie and the song Stand By Me came on and I started bawling in front of Corey Feldman. Then as I was sitting on the can this morning I decided that Stand By Me might be the best song of all time. Stand By Me. Stand By Me. Stand My Be. Sand in Sea.

Of course there's this blog as well, which I can't believe I'm still doing because as I mentioned before I'm very non-committal when it comes to this sort of thing. Thanks to all of you who have read it at all and thanks to all the other bloggers who have given shout outs and who make me want to keep writing EVERY DAMN DAY even though half the time I'm just talking about time travel and space because that stuff is the best and I can't think of anything else to write about.

So looking back, my 2008 was pretty good. Nothing that bad happened to me except the frustration of not finding new work, which is no big deal considering some people don't have jobs at all. That's the Grapes of Wrath talking. I have like 15 pages left. Take it away Michelle!



I got dressed the fuck up for this! As a new year blossoms from the cocoon of 2008, we should really think about Canada and just how so totally awesome it really is. I love Canada. Politics are more interesting than you think! Read the news! Be smart! Do some post secondary education but don't party.

Michelle that was no good. That's not what we talked about. She was supposed to give some gypsy predictions for 2009 like some lucky numbers and the names of some strong ponies to bet on. Ah well. That's the vaguest year in review you've ever read, but that's the way I like it. Details are boring unless they're funny and you can fill in being vague with stuff that's not true. That's pretty much the philosophy around here. See you next year!

THERE ISN'T ANYTHING IN THIS CLOSET EXCEPT...OH NO WAIT THERE'S SOME SHOES

Stray film observation #4694

Next time you watch a film and there's a part where someone pins a button or a pin onto someone, take notice of the fact that they always just stick it on. They never put it on like a real button. It's like buttons in movies have adhesive on the back. Ever notice? Two instances come to mind: Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure when Napolean eats the sundae and they stick the Ziggy Piggy button on and in Rushmore when Max gives Blume his perfect attendance pin. There are several more but my memory can't recall because it's full of new savoury recipes I'm compiling for my new cookbook, "A Beginner's Guide to Ham Hocks".

Page 45 "Tuna Noodle Casserole"

Take some tunes, some noods.

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I can't take credit for that recipe. Thank my good friend Scott Turner. I can tell you this though: When referring to noodles, always call them "noods" and you're happiness quotient will rise by several decimal points.

The Year in Review will be made public tomorrow. The Phoenix Times-Columnist calls it the most anticipated year in review since a 1994 Major League baseball review by a guy in Tampa. He captured those magic moments better than David Blaine playing Ouija. That didn't make much sense now did it!

My apartment stove is this really old Viking range but MAAANNNN the oven doesn't work really well. A culinary artist needs top notch tools. The broil setting never turns off brother! I guess I should call the landlord. I always feel like I'm whining when I make calls like that. Perhaps the teachings of my father worked (don't whine and don't share needles), but as evidenced by this weblog, I do whine quite a bit. Anywway, I tried to make this roasted vegatable medley sauce last night and I don't think it's that good. Is it the oven's fault? YES. My lack of culinary know-how? MAYBE. Your fault? 'COURSE NOT. You had nothing to do with. it.

Okay, I'm out of here to get some tea and then I'm going to finish reading The Grapes of Wrath. I got to the part in the book where it actually mentions "The Grapes of Wrath" and I was like:

BAH HUMBART

Holiday hiatus is officially been lifted and I'm back to being a busy bee, whether it comes to working, cooking, cleaning, playing, or cycling. I'm somewhat well rested with a belly full of Christmas meats and cheeses, ready to serve the Internet public with tales of intrigue and heartbreak.

Upon reflection I didn't really give the reader a very good glimpse into my holiday season. That one post did I guess, but I was busy working on a play and doing nothing the rest of the time. Fact of the matter is that the Holidays aren't really all that big a thing unless you're a kid or you have kids or there are kids around. Otherwise it's just a bunch of sitting and eating and complaining. Let's get into it.

My brother gave me a new Playstation 3 controller for XMAS bringing my controller count to a respectable three. When I got back to my apartment I decided I was going to try to fix one of the older controllers because one of its buttons was really sticky and since I demand peak performance out of my gaming utensils I decided to open it up and see what I could do. An hour later I had to throw it in the garbage because I screwed up and I couldn't but it back together again. Sometimes, just sometimes, I'm the stupidest. So instead of being +1 in terms of PS3 controllers, I'm back to even strength. BARK.

You know what TV guy I hate? That Disaronno on the rocks guy. He looks like a reaaaaaaal lion faced dick eater. Would you have sex with him if he poured you a Disaronno and the rocks and looked at you like that? Probably not.

I was watching a bit of Stand By Me the other day as it seems to be on TV like once a day, and I made a parallel between Will Wheaton and new movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" where Brad Pitt ages in reverse. If you ask me, Will Wheaton is less of a man now than when he was 12 or however old he was in that movie. His voice is deeper, and he seems like way less of a weiner. The Curious Case of Will Wheaton. This is the opposite of my evolution for I've grown from a pencil neck geek to become a hurly burly he-man who chops down trees and then eats them for dinner with a side of whatever animal I killed with my knees that day. Then I drink 30 beers no problem.

I got this book of rock n roll quotes for Christmas which I read while I dispose human waste in the lavatory, and today I read one from Sharon Osbourne about how Madonna adopted a kid and it was like she bought a new purse and it got me thinking. I'm willing to bet that celebrity adoption got really big because it's way easier than actually having a baby. They save themselves the pain, the big stomach and post baby insane pound trimming workouts/surgery that they deem necessary. But no one can come out and accuse them of this because they do it under the guise of helping a third world country and stuff like that.

Those are the thoughts of the day. If this were a radio show I'd take callers right now. Word has it I get to leave work early today which is the sunniest news I've heard all day. I ate Indian food last night and now my butt is telling me it was a bad idea. Tomorrow or the next day I'm going to do a year in review that probably won't turn out the way I envision it in my head. Do you really want to know what my year was like? Do I? Do YOU? Do your friends? Your family? WE'LL SEE YOU'DES

JUST CALMING DOWN

That's the longest picture you ever saw.

I had a dream last night that I was friends with the hot young stars of "Twilight"

Go see Gran Torino. The first half is the funniest movie of the year.

The only Christmas movie I saw this season was Bad Santa. No regrets.

I so tired. I so tired. <----say that like a tired old Italian guy

MERRY CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR

From me to you:

XOXO
Glenn William Macaulay
Oh baby

I CAN'T DO ANYTHING UNTIL I GET THIS CAN OUT OF MY EAR

A Holiday update today would be pointless because all I've done so far is watch the Canada's Worst Driver marathon. 2 episodes left. I think the Asian lady is going to win, which means the old adage "Driving While Asian" gains more strength as the last winner was also Asian I think. I'm such a good driver. The only bad thing I've ever done is back into a giant curb and bend a muffler that I got repaired THAT AFTERNOON on my own and it was like my first week driving. I could be an F1 driver no problem. I'd win the championship and then spend all my money buying islands and importing world liquors like Dan Ackroyd. Then I'll find a stable of babes that get along with Liv so they'll all be my Hugh Hefner style girlfriends that know Liv is #1 but have no problem swimming in bikinis all day long. Was that sexist? It's sort of like that fantasy Wayne has in his film "Wayne's World" with the girls in the white cotton panties and the puke and all that. I remember when I was a kid I used to always but those Clearly Canadian fizzy fruit drinks and they were soooooo good and I distinctly remember thinking to myself "If I were I millionaire I'd have these around all the time". So I'd honour past Glenn and make that happen as well. Just in case time travel is real. You have to satisfy your past selves. Eat lots of candy and buy toys and talk bad about homework every so often.

My cutting down on TV will have to begin in the New Year. Until then I'm going to eat numerous sweet squares courtesy of our elderly neighbour and lounge around in my dirty old Flames sweatshirt that has paint all over it that probably once belonged to a dirty man.

Proof! Photographic proof. Digital from the future. Shaved! I shaved yesterday. Bed! I'm lying in a bed. Have you guys ever seen Pussy Cat Dolls lingerie at the undies store? I have zero respect for anyone who buys that unless it's a joke. Or if a Pussy Cat Doll buys some. Like if they're on tour and someone jacks their bras and they have to go to the mall. That's pretty handy. Maybe that was their plan all along. The mall has everything they need: Lingerie, and they can go buy their CD as a backing track because they must lip sync live. Or just imagine being in the store and a Pussy Cat Doll comes in and is like:

"Ooooooooh this stuff is my style!"
"Yeah it's your own line, remember?"
"Ohhhh yeah!!! Cute :)"

Merry Christmas everyone! I'll post a nice holiday treat tomorrow! If you have a choice between hanging out with your dumb friends or hanging out with your family in the next 36 hours, choose family because they probably like you a lot and don't see you that often.

HOLIDAY UPDATE DAY 46

Hi there. My name is Petey, AKA Bonkers. I'm Glenn's sister's cat and I'm hanging around during the holidaysssss. I like eating coats and opening presents that aren't mine. I'd like to shout out to the cats meow meow out there who are keeping it the fuck real this holiday season and to all the hard working men and women of the armed forces, you guys are true heroes.

Thanks you cat, big up armed forces 2010 'till infinity. The picture you see above is where I will spend most of my time in the coming days. I've probably spent more time in this basement then anywhere else in the world. As I was sitting there last night, freezing my nards off, I got thinking that maybe in the New Year I'll try to watch less television. I thought of the people I know that don't have TVs and figure they must get so much stuff done because there's never a default boredom instrument like a TV to hold them back. Unless they read really shitty magazines. Or maybe they spend all their money on coffees and lunches. I know in my heart of hearts that I'll probably never stop watching TV, and TV isn't all bad, for if I wasn't watching it yesterday I would've never seen a promo on TLC that read something like:

"See this guy's incredible story on...

Half Man Half Tree

followed by...

Tree Man."

Two tree man shows back to back means a merry Christmas to all the good boys and girls everywhere, a round of orange filled socks for me and my friends!

When frostbite starts setting in whilst sitting in my basement, I usually head upstairs to gaze out this window for awhile. There's nothing very exciting about that. I've never seen anything particularly cool. I see cats and cars. Once a school bus got stuck but that was a long time ago. So was feudalism. Modern times guy.

Here's the stocking that gets filled with candy and underpants year after year on Dec. 25. If I designed socks, I would make special Christmas editions that have the pattern of a Christmas stocking but they fit like a usual sock. That'd be sooooooooooo good. People could special order ones with their names on it and like put pictures of their babies and doggies. I also had an idea for a luxurious, cushioned bike pedal for people who live in warm climates! A great compliment to the beach pillow!

You now know exactly what my life is like at this very moment. You just lived me man. How did it feel? Weird? Do you feel weird? If you saw my dad would you think it's your dad? Are you even going to go to the right house when you go home for Christmas? I'm soooooo sorry if that ends up happening, my thoughts and prayers go out to you and yours. If anything goes down, just give me a call and I'll be over with peppermint candy hooks and a thermos full of hot c with extra cloud candy on top. You know what all those terms mean because you're me now. What are we wearing? Yep.. Got it. TREE MAN


Catch my Holiday Special, this week on TLC

HOLIDAY UPDATE DAY 1

I recently thought of something that both atheists and religious guys can agree on when they die: That Judgement Day didn't go down. Atheists would be glad because they can be all like "Even if I'm wrong about this, it doesn't matter because I'm dying anyway, hahahaha" and religious guys are like "well I would've been fine, but I'm still glad I didn't have to deal with it." I think that's how they'd think anyway. Maybe religious people get mad that they miss it when they die. The jerks would anyway. The "told you so's" if you will.

They'd both be pretty nervous about the afterlife too. Not hardcore atheists and religious nuts, but the mild ones you know? The serious guys would be so sure that nothing is going to happen/they're going to Heaven 100% that they're all good, but if you're sort of on the fence it must be nerve-racking. The ones that don't believe would be really worried that Hell is the real deal, and the sort of God lovers would be kind of nervous that there's no Heaven. Especially if they're really banking on Heaven, like they lived a really good life but never took time to enjoy it and never had a lot of money and Heaven is like their pension sort of.

The Holidays have officially started for the man who is writing this right now, and I've already settled into the family's winter cabin in beautful Snow Weasel Grove, Ontario.

When I pulled up to the property on my winter dirtbike with spike tires, I was greeted by an old friend:



It's our old horsey "Mickey Sweet Hearts" who grows a beard every winter to match mine. When he saw that mine was barely started he puked hay all over the place but I fed him a dead hare I found and he stopped whining.



Mickey Sweet Hearts led me over the hill to the main house where my lovely family was headed back to the house along the skunk trail led by our dogs Motorhead and Warren. The Northern Lights started up and I decided to do a quick painting which I posted above.

When my camera is charged I'll give you guys a real idea about what the holidays are like on the Macaulay compound. Today I watched TV and bought new skates!! Hark the herald angels sing, glory to some things things things

TODAY'S ADVENT CALENDAR

Your Advent calendar chocolate for Dec. 20, 2008 looks like this:



It was behind a window that looked like this:






But on the whole, the advent calendar looks like this:




Don't eat the chocolate that looks like me screaming too fast, or your wittle tum tum will hurt and you won't have room for peanut butter and ham sandwiches later.

THE BEGINNING OF THE START OF THE FIRST THING

This is me right now:



Winter Solstice vacation has begun. So far today I've:

Done laundry 100%
Bought some beers
Bought a roti
watched the Wire big time

That's how you do it man.

The snow? None of my concern. The snow can have outside. I'll take inside. It can do its thing and I'll just watch it, waiting for it to stop so I can stomp on it with my damn boots and melt it with... my damn boots. Fuck you snow, I'll eat you and get refreshed and then I'll turn you into a ball and smite my enemies (trees, squirrels and if I see a skunk it's going to get snow up its poo stinky ass and its spray stinky second ass - how does that work?)

Next week I'm going to chronicle my Christmas adventures. Chances are they will involve making sandwiches and pacing around my parent's house. I'll also read a whole lot of newspapers.

In the meantime, play it safe. It you're going out there bring a torch and a compass. Stay sharp and if you're getting food pick me up some fries. Always man. Always get me fries. No matter where you go. You can get fries anywhere man, no excuses.

BIG UP TO MY MAN TODD COMPUTER WHO IS A TECHIE WIZZZZZ

If there's something I hate more than dogs it's movies about dogs, which is why I'm utterly unamused by the pending release of "Marley and Me" starring Owen Wilson and Jennifer "Undeserving Of Her Level Of Fame" Aniston. What the hell you fart heads? She's on every cover of every magazine this month (actually. I'm not exagerrating) and all she's done is had sex with the world's sexiest man, been on a sitcom for awhile with an influential hairdo and made some unsuccessful movies. Not all dog movies are bad. I liked Homeward Bound, but it co-starred a cat so it doesn't really count and Turner and Hooch isn't bad, but I like Tom Hanks and he's no dog. Hmmmm. Yeah dog movies are garbage. Have you seen the ad for the new straight to DVD Beethoven movie starring Jonathan Silverman? It's got all the same jokes: Beethoven drooling, Beethoven spraying water everywhere, Beethoven shitting everywhere probably, Beethoven using his size to knock things over, etc etc woof woof bark I don't like dog movies. When was the last good cat movie? The Lion King? Yeah, that counts. Garfield? No good. I want to see a cat movie where the cat doesn't talk but still solves mysteries and is owned by a REALLY old man who never really knows what's going on and the cat leaves to save the world and he's gong for like 2 months but the old man is senile so when the cat gets back he's like "Ahhhh Wilf, back just in time for dinner" and then the cat rolls his eyes END CREDITS.

In other entertainment news, everyone's favourite talentless rap man "Soulja Boy" is back with a new song called "The Birdwalk" or something like that. I kind of like how popular American hip hop has regressed back to a time when everyone was coming up with a brand new dance. Back in the 50's it was the Twist and the Watoosie and now it's the Birdwalk, the Lean Back song thing that Fat Joe made because he's too heavy to dance, and several other variations that involve putting your arms in the air and shuffling a little while holding towels. I also like imagining these poor guys trying to come up with a hit single and workshopping new dances:

"Yo yo, how about.....'The Skyscrapa' and you jump up once then make a triangle with your arms and then say 'WAROOOMP' and it'll go something like 'Jump up and down like you makin' this pape-a then put your arms in the air and do tha skyscrapa WAROOOMP"

"Nah man, I don't know. There's no towel waving and if we jump we lose contact with the female's ass."

Right? Am I right? Is that how it allll goes down? Female ass? Get it? they dance dick to butt all the time? Right?

TODAY'S QUIRK

You know what would be scary? If you saw a guy whose moustache matched EXACTLY with his eyebrows. That style is called the "2X4".

TODAY'S PLUG

I think you should put down that cardboard and check out my man Sean's band "Blood Ceremony". If you like Black Sabbath, Jethro Tull, Witches, Demons, guitars, flutes, mythology, wood nymphs, awesome times and rocking out, then they're for you. If you don't like these things check them out anyway and have your mind warped by their musical spells summoned by a crystal ball made of unicorn horn and gnome blood that smokes every time you touch it and sings whenever you start dancing.

OTHER CITIES IN INTERNET

At some point in my life my friend Andy and I made a harmless, fake Mats Sundin MySpace page because there wasn't one already. We tried to make it as real as possible and it eventually even made it onto the news. Once the cat was officially out of the sack, we made it very clear on the page that it wasn't really Mats but it's funny to imagine that it is. Well, two years (or something I don't remember) later, people (children and middle-aged) still send messages thinking that Mats will respond. I don't check it that often, but I did yesterday and received a really good one:

I recently purchased a Porsche Cayenne turbo,black/black 80k with 20" sport designs and a colleague at The Auto Forum informed me this was your vehicle for a time.Can you confirm or deny this? Sorry to say I'm not into hockey but my girlfriends father is a Huge Fan and this could buy me serious Goodie points with him.Petty I know but You see I am madly in love with his daughter and I am meeting him for the first time tomorrow with the intention of asking for his blessing to marry Her. I need all the help I can get... Thank-you for your time.Stay frosty.


Seriously? It's like that Seinfeld episode with Jon Voight's LeBaron. Usually we don't respond to these because it's mean to lead people into thinking that they're talking to Mats, but if you didn't take the time to read that it's blatantly fake or you aren't smart enough to realize that there's no way Mats would make himself so public, then you kind of deserve it. So I wrote back:

I can't tell you for sure, but I definitely owned a wicked Cayenne and that sounds fairly similar. No guarantees. You shouldn't need the car to impress her old man. Just be yourself. That's how I bagged my wife. Don't worry about hockey. You have a Porsche so you must be successful. Rock the party

I tried to help him! I got another one that said this:

Ok, I know you like hockey but I also know you LOVE fishing. I'm a fishing guide here in beautiful BC home of the FANTASTIC Vancouver Canucks. If you sign with Vancouver I will take you fishing any time you want. Check out my website for some great pics and info

To which I responded:

WE'll see. Still weighing the options. Nice fish

(His profile pic had a big fish)

I think if Mats signs with Vancouver I'll send him another message. Today I tried to start an Internet rumour by saying in Mats' status: "Mats is wondering how the ribs are in St.Louis" then I put his mood as ecstatic. So if you hear a rumour about Mats playing in St. Louis you can thank MySpace.com and gullible morons everywhere. I'll keep you all updated on the above conversations because I know this story has you on the edge of your damn seat.

I don't know how to get rid of the box below. It's nothing. Ignore it. It looks kind of cool though right?

STRAY OBSERVATIONS (WHAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF 'STRAY'?)

Commercials are really funny because they're job is to trick you into believing you need something that you probably don't. The funniest ones are those that are really obvious in their trickery. I was watching one for Breathe Right nasal strips featuring the guy who invented them. He's like "My name is Dan So and So and I'm an inventor" and then he talks about snoring for awhile and how smart he is. The funny part is that while he's talking there's a microscope in the background as if the people who made the ad really want to push the fact that this guy is a "genius" and that all "genius inventors" own a microscope. I'll bet you my life savings and a large pizza that he didn't use that microscope when he invented Breathe Right strips. And I bet he's the type of crack pot inventor that invents things like the Snuggie or like a remote controlled frog or something, you know, things that don't require microscopes, like most of the guys who go on Dragon's Den, which is a great little program.

Remember when Street Cents used to try out all those crazy products from TV? I think that might be one of my favourite shows off all-time. I might've seen every episode. Dragon's Den is like Street Cents' adult predcessor. But not really. They both deal with consumerism and products. That bald guy on Dragon's Den is a dick. I think if I met that guy in real life I'd punch him. I don't have a problem with the Dragons telling someone their product is shit, but it's the way this guy goes about it. He's always got this look on his face that says "I'm better than you". If he read this right now he'd probably say "That's what I'm going for idiot" because he wants to be famous and to do so you have to be a Simon Cowell style cock smacker. It says so in my latest book, "Becoming John Malkovich - A Guide to Being Famous in the 21st Century - Foreword by Christopher Plummer".

MY HANDS ARE COLD BUT EVERYTHING ELSE IS NORMAL TEMPERATURE

OHhhhhhhh helllooooo!!!! How are you feeling today????? AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW SOOOOOOOOOO CUUUUUUUUUUTEEE

The other day I was riding the streetcar and I started eaves dropping these two nerds and they were talking about wizards as if they actually exist. More specifically, they were debating what a wizard would think of a modern computer. I couldn't hear much more than that, but if I were involved I would've said that wizards would think computers are bullshit. Can a computer turn a frog into a deer? Can a computer control thunder and lighting? Can a computer grow a beard? At this point in history, wizards would not be very impressed. Maybe in the future, but DEFINITELY not now. "What about the Internet?" you ask. When wizards aren't doing their thing they're reading or traveling so they know everything already. Wizards are the Internet.

I have to hand it to these nerds though. They know what they like and they're not scared to talk about it in public. I have no clue what they were referring to when they were talking about wizards, because seriously, it was like they were talking about sports. They believe wizards are real just as children and immature men believe in Michael Jordan or the PGA's Davis Love III is real. WHOA.

My office Christmas party was a grand old time. I put on my suit that I dub "The Boob Exposer" because when girls see me in it that's what they want to do. I put on the Boob Exposer and headed over. This year was a more casual affair and there was this stupendous buffet with every food ever made:

Turkey
Mashed Potatoes
Pasta
Spring Rolls
Sushi
Mini - Burgers, grilled cheeses, macaroni cups
Miso Soup
Crab cakes
Fries with cheese and gravy and chili
Salad
Rolls

I drank Gin and Tonics all night long and many of the higher ups got wasted and spent the night debating who the hottest guy in the office was. I didn't win. I didn't take any pictures but it looked like this:



Just kidding, it looked more like this:



Did you fall for that? I know, you're not a stupid. Just testing.

Anyway, we had an intimate after party at my house and everyone spent the whole time complaining about work, which is what happens when you work at an office and get together with the people that fill that office.

I'm almost done work for the year, which doesn't really mean jack all because at work you don't get summer holidays. All it means is that I'm at this place still. I'm a real Scrooge when it comes to work, but a real Santa Feliz Navidad when it comes to Christmas. Let's go do winter things!!

SPECIAL OF THE DAY IS MUSTARD AND KALE

Did anyone see Tom Cruise on Leno last night? I wonder if he knows that most people view him as a total freak/shit bird now. But really, when you think about, it's no surprise he's so strange because his life has lacked privacy for like 20 years. If he goes on a talk show he can't talk about normal things because nothing in his life is normal. Last night for example, he casually talked about flying planes and driving high performance motorcycles as if it's some every day thing. And he's such a pro at promoting his movies too, as he never hesitated to point out that "the stunts were all real" or "the story of Valkyrie is 100% true, so fascinating". So based on all this, my opinion on Tom Cruise is:

He's a freaky dude, but only because he's been living an inhuman life to begin with. He's merely adapted. I do enjoy his early work. BUUUUTTT on the other hand, he could've kept all that Scientology stuff to himself, and that Oprah thing is actually pretty crazy. John Travolta is still relatively loved, but if he started preachin' it'd be over in a heartbeat. The best thing would be if one day Tom Cruise started flying around and levitating things and is like "I told you so" and then he rules the world but not with an iron fist, but rather with love and acceptance.

Enough about this guy already! I'm only perpetuating the Tom Cruise media machine. What a hypocrite! I'm going to write a new comic called "The Hippy-Crite" and because of the magic of space and time, you're going to see it right now even though I just thought of it now and have no idea what to do:

Yikes! That wasn't very good, was it? The Hippy-Crite will eat beef no problem but he has a problem with veal?! What a Hippy-Crite! It's a lot better if you make up the back story of each character. I feel like Hippy-Crite and Veal Vendor know each other fairly well and the only reason that Veal Vendor isn't rich and successful is because Hippy-Crite ruins all of his business ventures with his hypocrisy. I kind of wish Veal Vendor's arms weren't so messy in panel three, but I ain't no painter Paul when it comes to drawing. The Hippy looks a lot like Grandma from Grandma comics doesn't he?

Tomorrow is my office Christmas party atop the Sutton Place Hotel. We're not allowed to bring guests this year and when we found out we were all "WAAAAAA" but compared to most people's Christmas parties, ours is still really good because everything is free including grain alcohol, which is coveted around the holidays according to Microsoft Encarta. I'm going to drink a million martinis and two thousand beers and I don't care what anyone says. In the meantime I really have to start learning my lines for this play I'm going to be in. What play? HAHAHAH TOP SECRET. Do you care? No? I knew it. You will when you find out that ..................................................... I don't know. Come see it in January. Details to follow. Let's get some of that poutine this weekend from that new place. I had some before I went to Neil Young and my tastebuds went "YIPPPPEEEEE".

21 PIE SALUTE

This entry is dedicated to a couple of fallen soldiers. I'm set to retire two pairs of shoes that have been with me for the last few of years. These guys are more reliable than a digital clock, but not as reliable as the newspaper coming out every day. I mean, when was the last time they forgot to print that shit? Grab some tissues and a framed picture of your family and get ready to sob your damn eyes off until you could grow an entire vegatable garden with your tears and because the plants were grown with tears they're extra special and woodland elves come to inhabit your garden because they come to every tear garden and they produce the juiciest most wonderful cucumbers you've ever tasted and you sell for millions but you feel guilty because it wasn't you, it was the woodland elves but in the end they say "It was your tears that made the magic, not us" and then you retire and decide not to sell out the elves to that reporter who knows too much.


Check these guys out. I bought these about 3 or 4 years ago at a Value Village because I needed black shoes for a play. I was very happy because they were pretty much brand new and only cost 5 or 6 dollars. When I started my job three years ago I needed professional man shoes and these were the only ones I had so henceforth they became my business shoes. I continued to wear them despite the fact they were falling apart and looked terrible, but they were very comfortable and made me feel like I was a rebel who was all like "Yeah I'll wear dress shoes for work. THESE dress shoes." But I never got a chance to say anything like that. I think they're made out of some sort of plastic based on the way they tore apart. Definitely not leather. There's not an inch of cow on these things.


These dirty old dogs I got sometime during my last year of university, so about 4 years ago I guess. I remember I bought them during winter so I didn't wear them much until Spring came around when the birds starting chirping and the bunnies started having sex. These babies are moulded to my feet like no others. Distinguishing marks include paint splashes from when I rode my bike through paint and several tears that make walking in rain and cold quite the chore! I even bought two new pairs of shoes earlier this year or last year I don't know, but I continued to wear these suckers and I will continue to through the winter until they're dried up and shriveled like raisins and full of holes like the plot of Mortal Kombat 2 - Annihilation.

Stay tuned for future editions of "Fallen Soliders" when I put to rest my sturdy blue backpack that I've had since high school and several pairs of undies.

WEDNESDAY IS WHEN I AIR MY GRIEVANCES AND IT'S ALSO HOT DOG DAY

OHhhhhhhhhhhhHHhhhhhhhh I ate too much pizza and too many wingies last night and I still feel it sitting in my stomach going rarareawrdkfrr, ohhhhhhhhhhhh so full still. And then this morning there was some dirty old pizza left over still in the box sitting out and I ate some even though I was still full. That was a bad idea. I can't say no to its cheesy delights no matter what state it's in. I also ate an old wing....



You should have read that pizza/wing confession while picturing it being delivered by this little boy and you'll understand how disappointed in myself I am. I remember once I got mad at my mom for something and I scratched the shit out her nice rare piano because I was being a little dickie. Then once I kicked a soccer ball through our kitchen window and I ran away because in my house breaking a window was in the top 5 bad things you shouldn't do.

In the last year I developed this thing where if I'm eating really fast I have trouble swallowing and my throat tightens up. One might say that I'm simply eating too fast, but I've always ate fast so what's the deal doc? It once got unbearable so I went to the Walk-In but the lady didn't understand what I was saying and told me to take Advil. I don't think it's really any better, but I'm used to it now so who gives a care. I'm going to continue to stuff my damn face whenever possible because food brings me the joys and wonders that one feels on Christmas 364 days of the year and then on Christmas it's double trouble because I get Christmas and food combined so 2X pleasures - turkey, gravy, fixins, new toys, sides, new dvds, ohhhhhhhhhhhhh two more weeks!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Remember how I slagged off "Little People, Big World" and more specifically the family's patriarch Matt Roloff? Today I was watching one where this Mexican guy was shoveling dirt for him and he goes (read in funny nasally voice) "You know what I need? A hammock. ahahahahaha, I could just sit there on the hammock and watch you work" and the Mexican guy is COVERED in sweat from shovelling dirt all day and looks at the guy like "what the fuck did you just say Gringo?" So there you have it - the guy is a prick. The rest of the family isn't that bad though, except I have a theory that anyone who is okay with their lives being filmed for purposes of a reality show are sort of crazy to begin with. If I were a teenager again and someone approached my family I'd be like "you guys go ahead, but there's no these cameras are following me around." Picture someone in your high school being on one of those shows and you're watching them at home! Count me out. I think my family would do really well on a general knowledge based family quiz show though. I've got sports and pop culture covered, my brother knows video games, computers and b-movies, my sister and mom know celeb culture inside and out and also know about food and my dad knows everything else including science. Do you produce a game show of this sort? Can we be on? I WANT A MILLION DOLLARS PLEASE.

Here's something that bothers me 100% - when celebrities have babies and they go out partying like a week after giving birth. It happened to Jessica Alba and more recently to Ashley "The Shithead" Simpson. I don't know many people who have had kids, but I do know that those who do would not let that baby out of sight for a good couple of months after birth unless absolutely necessary, and not for a Fall Out Boy concert. She has her whole life to see Fall Out Boy. She lives with Fall Out Boy. It's not like they have a child, but rather a new toy that they get bored of. No wonder these kids grow up to be assholes a lot of the time. They're given stupid names by stupid people and then they're basically abandoned and raised by nannies, but at the same time they have infinity money - they're like spoiled orphans or rich bums or something. I'd love to do a TV show where someone interviews celebrities and just asks things like "Are you for real?" and "What were you thinking?" and "Normal people don't like you. Did you know that? Intelligent people think you're a shithead." I guess they could just respond by flashing a wad of cash and saying something like "You see these green backs? These means I don't give a hoot", but maybe it would get through to some people.

LESSER KNOWN SNACK OF THE DAY

I'd like this opportunity to give a shout out to "Munchos" brand snack chips. You've probably seen them before:



If you're a fan of regular chips then please try them this weekend at your home, office or family reunion in Ajax or wherever. They're sort of like Pringles. They're real crispy and salty, just like your personality!! I'm going to have some today to accompany my tuna bagel sandwich and wash it allllll down with a bottled fruit juice. What kind? I'll decide when I get to the store. Thanks to Orel Roberts University and the Quaker Oats Company for funding today's Snack of the Day. Free notepads and plain oats to all my readers thanks to these two company's generous sponsorship.

FAT THINGS ARE SMARTER BECAUSE THEY HAVE MORE

What's your favourite letter? Mine's 'M' probably. Most feminine letter? 'S'. Most feminine number? Definitely '5' and not because it looks like an 'S'. It just it my friends, it just is.

I've got some more winter blues today and I think most of my blues these days come from inactivity, which relatively speaking isn't even that bad. I'm usually in a bad mood not because of things I'm doing, but because of things I'm not doing. I always try to remind myself of those old sayings like "you only live once" and "you don't have infinite time you nut so get up off that seat and go catch something", which actually isn't real, but I think applies regardless. I'll spare you the psychoanalysis and instead bring some holiday cheer:



How about that? If you didn't laugh once during that then you're probably in the wrong spot. We here at the blog support that sort of thing. That's by Chris Locke and Nathan Fielder who are two of the best at manufacturing chuckles for purposes of recreation so check out their other stuff next time you're on the Internet at the library doing research for your next project on something that no one cares about.

I was just thinking this morning about how shitty exams were. Especially the ones where you had to write like 3 essays in an hour and your hand hurt so bad you wanted to eat it right off covered in barbecued sauce. I remember the last ever high school exam and I was soooo happy and it was a really easy one, but then I had to endure 4 more years of them at university. I overreacted man. I kind of remember my last university exam and I don't think I was as happy as in high school, probably because in high school the summertime was a gateway to all things stupendous, while in University the end of school meant workworkwork, getajobgetajobgetajob. I kind of wish I had the ambition to be one of those guys who just say "screw this" and spend all their savings on three years of seeing the world and they come back with tans and rare trinkets and they're a lot more peaceful than when they left. Do those people exist or am I thinking of a movie?

There's this Vietnamese restaurant beside my house and it has like 100 dishes or something. I've learned from the Food Network that a restaurant has no need for so many. I've been twice and both times it hasn't been very good, but I'll probably go back because in the pictures the food looks pretty decent. I had some of their 'pad thai' the other day and it tasted like Alphagetti. I think I should start trying Pho, because that seems to be what everyone eats when they're in there. A nice steaming bowl of PHO. Do you think if you opened an American-style restaurant in like Romania or Taiwan, that it would do well? I'm not talking about McDonalds (two mentions in two days) but like Chili's. Maybe not even as bad as Chilis. That stuff is pretty heavy. Gravy on everything sounds good, but in practice is not a good idea, just ask Rosie O'Donnell!!! <-------------------Whooaaaaaaaaa big gong on that one.

I'm through Season 3 of HBO's The Wire. What a ride it's been guys. I think the best is yet to come, like when you're at Wonderland and you wait until you get really hot before you go to the waterpark. I'm almost to the waterpark I think. Actually, that comparison isn't very good, but I think you understand. Here's an idea: Next time you commit to a TV series on DVD, watch the whole thing backwards and see if it's any good. Memento that shit. Then let me know. I don't want to risk the first try, especially on a show as good as The Wire. Try it with Friends or MASH maybe then let me know. We could be on to something here. Watching TV backwards will become the new spaghetti and meatballs.

WHITE GRASS? NO IT'S JUST SNOW

If you were to travel back in time, do you think things would smell totally different? I get the feeling that most places smelled like wood and manure, but I might be wrong. I bet if a guy from the past traveled to the present they'd be dumbfounded by the smells. Then you could take them to the food court at the mall and they'd totally freak out on smells of Cinnabon, Taco Bell, New York Fries and Kernels popcorn. In fact, they'd probably fine with just sitting there and smelling. Even I could just sit there and smell, and I know the present inside and out. I'm an expert on all things current: DVD's, eco cars, the Internet. There. That's all you need to know about the year that was.

On Saturday night, my neighbours decided to have another late night dance party. This time it was really loud at 4am, so Liv went to tell them to turn it down. They turned it down like one notch, two tops, so she went down again and the girl was like, "we already turned it down". What's with that? If they told me they couldn't sleep because of something I was doing I'd make sure to rememdy the situation because that's the nice thing to do. It was like 4 in the morning! Why were they surprised that we complained? This time I really thought they'd come over and appolgize the next day, but they never came. Not even a note. They're probably the same type of people who sit on the inside seat of the subway/streetcar/bus and put their bag on the other one. They probably also steal poppy money at Remembrance Day and eat McDonalds EVERY day and complain that Big Macs aren't that big but they never complain about the fries because no one in history ever has. McDonalds fries are the great equalizer like lemonade or sunny days. Does that make sense? I don't even really know what a great equalizer is, but I've heard it before. I really just named some good undisputable things.

One of the people who won the latest Amazing Race is named 'Starr Spangler'.



Here are some of Starr Spangler's international equivalents:

Leif O'Canada
Jack Union
Africa Mandela
Matilda Waltz

Oh man, none of those are any good compared to Starr Spangler and she's real. She sounds like a hot G.I. Joe or a WWE Diva who would look like this:



Here's a dumb joke: What do you call Starr's garage sale sign? Starr Spangler's banner. OUCH.

I went to see Neil Young also. Neil killed everyone that night. He took us into his grasp, shoved a gun shaped like a guitar in our faces and pulled the damn trigger until our heads exploded and then we clapped. There was such a mix of people there. I saw real hicks, middle aged couples, hipsters, teens, college students, wookiees, bunny men, androids, you name it. Racially speaking it was fairly milky, but that's not Neil's fault. I was sitting behind this teen and his old man and because I had already seen so many hicks, I couldn't tell if he was a hick or if he was a hipster. He was wearing a leather jacket and an ugly sweater and a Canadiens painter hat. It wasn't until I saw his shoes that I confirmed hipster. But still man, the line is blurry sometimes. I was also impressed by Wilco, who I've always thought was pretty boring, but live they were very good. Remember that Wilco video from the mid 90's? Outta Sight (Outta Mind)? I always associated them with that song so when they won critical acclaim in the two thousands I reacted the same way I'd react if the same thing happened to Pluto or Eve 6....I was surprised of whatever.

A FAKE TEENAGER FAKE INFILTRATING

This blog has been hacked ********************))))))))))))


My name is Power_Orc^^ and I'm taking ovah today you lamez

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I'm the scourge of the Internet and I'm here to mess you up and fry the mainframe

First, if there's any ladies out there, check out my pic:



I wear these cool shirts in the winter. Any season baby. I got that Billabong hat for $6.99, West 49 Half Pipe Madness sale, Fall '07, fitted man. My uncle got me those shades. They're Guccis baby. Nothing but the best for me. You can't see it in the picture but I have a tree house with wireless internet, 6 Playboys, half a box of Full Sized Skor bars and 2 Nintendo DS systems. I got two for my birthday last year because my mom is such an idiot.

Check my room:



It took my mom three weeks to paint that shit. Mario is a God in my school and I am his loyal servant. This year for Christmas I told my mom she had better get me this:



Or else I won't go to Oshawa on Boxing Day to visit my grandma. It's so boring there. The only candy she has are those shitty mixed hard candies that grandmas love so much. She does have a cool old coin collection though. It's probably worth like $5,000. I'm going to bring my X-Box with me, I don't care what my dad says because he can't control me. I'm not even supposed to be on the Internet right now, but here I am hacking as usual. I have so many porno passwords. Want one? Hundred bucks. Email my at suck_my_balls@ass.com. HAHAHAHAH fell for it???^^^^^^ You're all old idiots. I bet you don't even know what an mp3 is. I have over 3,000 mp3s - Led Zeppelin, the Killers, Guns and Roses, Mettallica, Fall Out Boy, Kanye, and sooooo many crank calls for realz. Like really good ones by all sorts of jokers. In one they call a gay bar and pretend to be gays themselves!!! HAHAHAHAH LAOAOAOAOOALAOALAOOJFJFHG

Next time I hack this site I'm going to put pictures of naked old ladies. I know where to find them. I'm the best at the Internet. If you're ever in Markham, look me up ladies. My dad drives a Focus with sick rims. As soon as I turn 16 I'm taking it no matter what. gonna put a big muffler and turbo charge the mutha fucka. This blog iz shiiiiititt hack hack hack. Seey ou turds!

THIS DIDN'T HAVE A TITLE BEFORE

Ever been somewhere like the mall and you have your headphones on and salespeople still try to talk to you and you can't hear them and then they think you're a dick? Yeah dude.

Yesterday I was in a washroom in my office building and I heard this guy in the stall having big time trouble with something. Then at the sink this guy in a suit saddles up and says to me: "You know your kid is sick when he's home and NOT watching TV." ???????????? Why did he say that to me? Did he view me as a parent? Where did it come from? AHHHHHH. Then this bum comes to the sink and it must have been him having big time trouble and he was snorting like crazy. So either he had just done some drugs or he was sick. I think he had just done drugs. See? You can do anything in a bathroom.

How about the government eh? What a crazy bunch of guys those guys are. I wish we had a hero like Obama. Imagine a Canadian celebrity became a Prime Minister? Or an ex-hockey player? I don't think that would be good unless it was Ken Dryden, because he's the smartest guy this side of... the highway. I think we can all agree that Maury Chaykin would be pretty alright, or maybe even Christopher Plummer. He's Canadian right? Maple syrup hath run through his heart that's shaped like New Brunswick like all real Canadians. If Neil Young became PM the world would explode into happiness and beautiful songs would play all day long by fair maidens with HUGE BOOBS. Right? That's a bit silly, I'm sorry.

Okay, so this one is going to be short man. Not a lot hap-hap-happening today. You can read this one on the go. Snack size. Fun size. Take this on public transit with you and make sure people read it over your shoulder and they'll either think you're crazy or really smart, or both which is what most people should strive for. Crazy people who are smart are either really dangerous or really helpful, just like the LAPD. POLITICAL STATEMENT. Like Denzel Washington in Training Day is crazy but Ethan Hawk in Training Day is a hero of justice. That would be a cool name: The Washington Hawk. I wonder if people would know you stole that from training day. Sort of like how Napoleon Dynamite is another name for Elvis Costello but the writer was like "huh'? So even if someone called you on it, deny deny deny. What would you use it for? A band? A movie? A detective in a book? An informant in a book? A club in a book? A sports team in a book? That would be a stupid team name. Not flashy enough.

For the finishing touches, I'm going to type a key word into YouTube and I'll post the video. This is the parsley on the veal, the berries on the ice cream, the dandilions on the pork shoulder. Okay, the word(s) is..

SILLY GRANDMA




Okay, I didn't pick the first one, but you have to admit that one is really really good.

SERVICE THAT SCREAMS "I LOVE THIS PLACE"

Based on Site Meter statistics, a lot of people stumble upon this little valley in the Internet continent of blogosphere via Google image search. In order to drum up business I'm going to shamelessly post some popular pictures and maybe mention a few things about them. Then we're all going to watch patiently as this site becomes the new ebay or New York Times homepage where people go for hard hitting news and old wrestling figures and buttons and pottery and stuff.



Welcome Google image searcher! Here is that Britney pic you requested. Nice one. Britney Spears is an American female pop star from Louisiana who went psycho but then was re-manufactured so she could release her latest record called "Circus", which probably refers to her CrAZy pop star life. Some circuses have freak shows, which would probably be a more accurate title, what with her head shaving, vagina showing, car crashing, moron marrying, child ignoring, paparazzi dating ways. Her recent MTV documentary drew record numbers of viewers, although it failed to acknowledge just how crazy and stupid she actually is/was. She seems to hate her career but won't quit even though her kids probably need her more than ever. Her kids' father is a total idiot too. Basically the whole thing is stupid. She's a puppet of the record companies and if she had any brains she'd move to Ottawa and live quietly with her children. Has she ever been to school? I'd love to quiz her on things - geography, politics, maths. Stay tuned to WIDAHIA for the latest Britney news, interviews and fun quizzes, like "Which Britney album are you?"



Hello there! Came for House did you? I heard a rumour that in the next season, House is going to get the measles and the roles are going to be reversed! He's going to almost die and then some other doctor is going to yell at him and do something radical like pick the measles off with a scorpion because that's the only way to save him. Is that what happens on that show? I've never seen it. Hugh Laurie is pretty alright though. I don't like how he limps on that show. Does he ever smile? What's his favourite food? More TV characters should make that known. I'll bet most say pizza. Bet you any money. Check out the rest of my posts for some great TV commentary on your favourite shows like Wheel of Fortune, Wings and Seinfeld.



Welcome teen girls. Feel free to explore the blog. In it you'll find tons of tips on how to pick up boys as well as fashion tips and fun recipes you and your friends can try at slumber parties! Try out my Marshmallow Bangers, my Caramel Wing Dongs or my Pop Corn Corn Dogs with homemade sugar chutney. How about that Twilight huh? S-E-X-Y. I can't wait for the sequel when the vampire moves out of his parents' house and tries to bring the chickie with him but she'd rather stay in Rochester because she has a totally sweet job at that mall. If I got that right you all owe me a pat on the back.

Now let's all sit back and watch the hit counter reach astronomical proportions. My mouth burn feels okay today, although I haven't had anything remotely warm since it happened. It felt like I was eating lava. Enough about that right? "How much longer can he talk about that?" Probably a lot longer. I'm a regular chatter brain with rocket tongue.

DON'T BE SCARED OF ME, MY SNAKE ARMS AREN'T VENOMOUS

This morning I was brushing my chompers, and I noticed two red marks on my neck. BLOOD!!! I ruled out vampires because they're extinct, so my next thought was bed bugs, but they live in your bed and not your shower. Being a vampire wouldn't be too bad. They have a good time all the time and are horny 24/7.

I'm not too worried about it. Bedbugs would rock my world though, what with all those recent Toronto horror stories. I once thought I had bedbugs so I went to the walk-in to get these red bumpies on my body checked out and the frumpy doctor said he didn't know what was going on and yet prescribed me a cream nonetheless. I didn't get that prescription filled and bought a new bed instead. I was planning on buying a new one anyway. I'm not that bourgeois. I don't floss with rubies or anything like that. The most extravagant thing about me is that I shower once a day no matter what, except the odd lazy Sunday. I also like lobster.

So far my plan of doing all my Crispness shopping online has worked out perfectly. A few more purchases and I should only have to go to the mall once. Finding stuff online for my mom has proven difficult. You know how you can tell that a psychic is bullshit? Invite him/her to your birthday party and see what he/she brings you. If it's not what you wanted then they're not the real deal. Most psychics would probably play it safe and bring you money.

"Mysteries reveal this gift from the depths of the brain veins."
"Thanks for coming Phantaspo and thanks for the gift. I guess you knew exactly what I wanted."
"But of course boy, but of course."
"Money!? I'll get you yet Phantaspo"
"Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha. When are you ordering the pizza?"
"It's in the other room."
"Yessss. I predict..... sauce...cheese."
"No duh."

I just burned the roof of my mouth so damn bad. This might be the worst roof burn I've ever had. I made this delicious soup and now I can't enjoy it. Why didn't I blow on it first? Why didn't I try a little nibble? Why oh why did I just dive in? I know better than to do that. I've been eating hot things for 26 years now. Never again. Never again will I make this mistake. I'd kiss a butt for some ice cream right now. I feel like sucking ice. SAAAAAVEEE ME.

It's actually not that bad, but just one of those avoidable things that make one feel like a spaz. I'll live, right? Okay, I'm out of here to complain some more to the people around me that my mouth hurts. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Maybe I'll get another ginger ale. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA (THAT ITALIAN SONG)

Hi boys!

I spent last weekend in Buffalo, NY because I was invited by the Bills to be their new long snapper. I didn't make the team but I got some great Bills training gear and top notch tips from special teams coach Brady Fwumpt.

LIES

I did go to Buffalo.

TRUTH

We went on Saturday and stayed with known friend Jessica's parents' house. We watched half of Ratatouille and then headed to Anchor Bar to eat wings. <---------- That's the place where Buffalo wings were invented you idiot. I've tried to watch Ratatouille three times now and I just can't seem to finish it even though it's a so far so good type situation. I've tried to eat wings several times, each very successful, although once I had Hooters' wings and they did a number on my stomach which then effected my bladder. Don't worry, I didn't muddy my trousers or anything, but it was not very enjoyable.

We got up at 7am on Sunday to tailgate before the match. MAAAAN it was a MAAAANN's paradise. Our 9 person crew had 60 beers, sausages, burgers, stew and chili on our food team and everything worked out deliciously, although American beers don't work the same as Canadian ones. They're weak like the economy!!! WHOOOAAA DING DING SIGN OF THE TIMES 2008 SUPER RELEVANT YOU ALL KNOW NOW BUT WON'T IN TWO YEARS YOU'LL FORGET BY THEN BUT NOW BANG BANG BANG. These guys beside us totally outdid us by setting up an entire kitchen in 10 minutes and then proceeded to make wings, fries, sausages, ribs, and probably some other stuff, I don't know, they didn't share. The game was fairly shitty, but since I'm a sports fan I enjoyed the atmosphere nonetheless, like if you're a slut and you do some guy and you're like "That guy was a moron, but I still loved the part where we had sex". I had to drive my woman's mother's car back home and the weather was pure arctic winds and sleet. It was as if Storm of X-Men fame was fighting some dick head so she had to make the weather shitty as strategy, and me and the other Joe Public's had to deal with it. By the time we got home I was messed up with on a combination of drowsiness, Rockstar Energy drink and vertigo from keeping my eyes on the rainy highway for 2 hours.

That is a spot on account of the weekend that was. Work today has been a huge ball wart of a day and I have a headache, so ying yang right? Black, white? Maple Leaf, Schneiders? Tonight is the Project Runway finale, but I'm not that excited because I know who wins. Should I ruin it for you? Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. You owe me for not telling you. You don't watch that show? You owe me. In the future no one will owe anyone anything because everything will be free because robots will make everything and we won't have to pay them. All they'll require is some oil and some new screws now and then which we'll be more than glad to give them. Then judgement day comes and we all blow up but we had a good time for a while.

Okay, I'm out of here. Tomorrow try wearing the underpants of the opposite sex so we can learn and understand each other better. I'm not going to do it but you should. I'm the organizer. Administrative role.

FRIDAY UPDATE

Ok, so it's just past 1pm now and I'm slightly more awake than before. Seriously though, jalapenos are dangerous little guys. When I touched my nards I had actually already washed my hands, so I guess there was still some residue. Good thing I didn't touch my eyeball or even my anus for that matter. Sorry, but it's true. But why would I be touching my anus? HA. Safe. It was never a threat to being with.

Now I'm associating the chili I made last night with not sleeping so I don't feel like eating any. That's total garbage. I wished I wanted some. I know it's good. Spicy kick. Meaty. Warm.

OHHHH NOOO

I had to wake up at 6:30 this morning because I'm working earlier to facilitate the Toronto Raptors, so I knew I had to go to bed early last night. But man. MAN. Nothing went right. First, I was making chili for our upcoming Bills tailgate experience and I forgot to wash my hands after I chopped a jalapeno pepper. I must have then touched my nose and my nards because before I knew it, they were both on fire. The pain eventually went away and it was time for bed. But wouldn't you know it? My next door neighbour was playing music at a volume just above tolerable and so it took me far too long to fall asleep. I even tried drugging myself with Neo Citran, but if there's one thing in this world that makes me not sleep it's the soft thud of bass in my face. It wasn't even very loud, but loud enough to make me go crazy.

I'm so tired right now that I could fall asleep in a lake.

I'm so tired right now I could fall asleep on a glass bed

I'm off coffee again because it makes my stomach go GRREEEEEEEEEEWSSSH so I'd better go get a soda. I might update you later, but I might not. I can't think straight right now. To the bathroom!

THEN WHY DON'T WE LIVE IN TREES, HUH?

What's with Gossip Girl? How does she know so much? I bet all these nerdy girls in high schools across the United States have tried to start a Gossip Girl style blog only to have no one read it.

"It's too tough. I can't be at like 500 places at once."

Here's what it might be like:

I think B might have kissed J, but I don't know for sure because my source isn't very reliable. I guess everyone heard already that N's dad left her mom. Nicky that is. Yeah you already know that. I don't have anything new really. The lasagna in the cafeteria was sooooo good today!

See? That's it. So dumb. That's reality. Do girls watch that show for the hot romance, the hunks or the fashions? I'll stick to Top Chef thank you very much. That show has everthing: Food and suspense. Give me those two elements and I'm a happy child. A big, beautiful happy child, full of life and ready to discover the world with mirth and enthusiasm. Open those big new eyes beautiful boy! The sun wants to bathe you in his/her nuclear laser rays. Don't go too close! When humans start to dominate space like we totally dominate Earth then that stuff I wrote up there will be true. When parents go out for dinner to the protein bar, they'll just throw their babies in space and let them float around for awhile. There will be tracking devices of course, so retrieval will be no problem at all. But like I was saying, beware the sun and be wary of space ghosts a la that shitty episode of the X-Files. I'm now going to share some wisdom:

Humans got smart and started to explain the universe through science, not religion

Then science birthed industry out of its brilliant womb and humans make big steps

Humans then dirtied up the planet because of technology

Now we have to get smart again and choose whether to keep being dirty and go to space for better living or fix things here

Obviously we're going with Option B, which means that there's a revolution going on right now. The world is connected because of the biggest thing going (the Internet) and everyone wants to improve things. But I think we should consider space some more. I know what you're saying to your friend right now:

"Would this guy shut up about space already?"

No. Remember when I said that winter is like Canada's default season, all natural? When you think about it, space is like default existence. That's the big picture man. Planets are really just turds hanging around. We should get on that train ASAP. What if we go and find a planet that's California all over? I like Earth just fine, but it seems like a waste of time if there's a better planet out there filled with big fruits and delicious creatures that taste like BBQ sauce to begin with.

Let's switch gears. I don't like how so many people have issues with public bathrooms. Some are bad. I'm not crazy here. I hate bathrooms caked in shit and shining with pee pee as much as the next guy, but a solid clean public bathroom can be a sanctuary, especially the ones at work. It's the place where no one can bother you no matter how long you're in there for - it's none of their business and if they so want to know what you're up to then they're crazy anyway, even if you are just sitting there playing Nintendo DS. I guess most people have a problem with the number of potentially dirty cheeks that have graced the surface. Whatever to that. If you can shake hands with a stranger, you can sit on the same bowl as them. It's not like butts are any dirtier than any other body part, I mean heck, my back if probably dirtier than my wiggler (butt). And women, who are generally more squeamish, don't even have to worry that someone has whizzed on the seat. So to you I say this: Once you trust the public washroom it can be a very relaxing and safe place. Just open your mind, and your butt will follow. I seriously don't get why people leave the can such a mess, you know? Like at bars? Why don't people just flush? Why do they use so much TP?

As they say in the circus biz, "Time to pack everything up and head to the next town. Davey, you're on coffee tonight." I bid you adieu and I hope and pray that you get the iPhone you wanted for Christmas. I talked it over with your parents and things are looking REAL good.

100TH POST MEANS I'M CELEBRATING WITH PEANUTS AND YOGURT

This is post number one hundred. Since I rarely see things through from beginning to end, I'm fairly proud of myself. But don't fret! This isn't the end my friends, but more of a beginning to another end that will come at post two hundred that will be another beginning to get to three hundred and so on until one thousand comes and maybe then I'll quit depending on how old and successful I am. What's a bigger deal, one hundred posts or the BIG one year anniversary? One hundred posts sounds better but the one year anniversary is more nostalgic. I fear my "YEAR IN REVIEW SPECIAL STARRING HOLLYWOOD'S HOTTEST 30 UNDER 30" because this has been kind of a crummy year for me, relatively speaking of course. <-----------There's your spoiler for the YEAR IN REVIEW SPECIAL STARRING HOLLYWOOD'S HOTTEST 30 UNDER 30, coming in December or January. I can't remember when this started and I don't feel like checking.

Every so often I think like this:

"What's up with Doctor Who? It's beloved but I've never watched it. Would I like it? Probably. Am I going to watch it? Probably not. What's it about anyway?"

Then I read a description of the show and I think:

"That sounds sort of confusing. I'll stick to something a little less complicated thank you very much!"

WELLLLLL


LAST

NIGHT

I finally watched some Doctor Who and it was rock solid with cherries on top served in a miniature Milwaukee Brewers baseball helmet for $3.99 plus applicable taxes for a limited time only in select stores nationwide (Dairy Queens). Yeah dude. It was the Doctor I remember when my dad used to watch it: The Tom Baker years. It was sort of like watching Star Trek but more silly and Tom Baker is like Gene Wilder plus Sherlock Holmes plus a 40 foot scarf plus a whole lot of teeth. I think I'd really enjoy sitting around my parent's house during the holidays watching a SHIT LOAD of Doctor Who with a stocked fridge of cold meats and cheeses at my disposal. Olives too. The salty personality is a perfect companion to a lazy Christmas day. HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING, GLORY TO THE OLIVE KING! And to think I nay sayed olives for most of my life!? I should be tried of heresy! I should be sentenced to the depths of the brine prisons of Olivegard, the white city in the kingdom of Pickled Delights, which is probably in Italy, I don't know. To sum things up, my interest in Doctor Who has piqued and olives are great.

It really bad when you feel like garbage and the weather is garbage and you're like "Ah man I thought you were on my side". Then when you're really happy and the weather stinks you're like "cheer up pal, you'll get better" and then when the weather is nice and you stink you're like "thanks for trying pal, I'll try to cheer up but I'm not making any promises". I usually feel shitty when I'm stagnant. I felt really stagnant earlier today. Stagnant water births mosquitoes and stagnant Glenn breeds bummer times, so same thing really.

You never here people say positive things about mosquitoes like they do bees or spiders. Mosquitoes are the B4-4 of the insect kingdom (no love) while bees and spiders are more like Justin Timberlake - there's a lot of people who hate him but most think he's a-ok. Actually, they're more like Wilco - people are divided on alt country. I don't know, you get it right? I don't need another example. I personally don't like bees and spiders but I respect their work. Mosquitoes can all burn in hell for all I care. Fuckin vampires. Stupid idiots. I'll make you itchy you shithead, see how it feels. If the world worked liked mosquitoes did it would suck. Every time I get hungry I make someone itchy. Want some popcorn? ITCH. Some salad? SCRATCH. Fuck you. You make summer as well as exotic locales shitty. Nobody likes you. You were born in a shitty pond that no one likes.

I think we all learned a lot of valuable stuff today. Try to use some of my advice in real life situations, okay? That was a test. There was no advice. Go back and read it over again. Don't skip the olive part this time.

TODAY'S CONTENT

Favourite chips - Dill
Favourite ketchup - Heinz (duh)
Favourite warm drink - tea
Favourite tree - maple
Favourite toilet - parent's house
Favourite shoe brand - Adidas
Favourite bird - Eagle
Favourite thing - good times
Favourite summer drink - lemonade
Favourite winter drink - lemonade

Check those out short stuff. Those should give you an idea of what to get me for Christmas. I have a lot of fun things to do before the holidays OFFICIALLY arrive. By official I mean that day when Jesus visits the North Pole and him and Santa have their annual soup off. Then they throw the switch and the pine needle covered cross gets lit up with thousands of LED lights. But before that, BEFORE THAT, this is what I will do:

Buffalo Bills game - It's going to be really cold and shitty outside but inside my heart it's going to be warm and flowing and inside my brain it's going to be sports, chili and beers. Inside my pockets are going to be hard candies and extra mitties.

President's Choice Raptors Basketball - Inside the ACC it's going to be bright and warm, but inside my wallet is going to be the usual stuff. I'm going to the game this Friday for a total dudes night where we'll talk about all the latest boobs, developments in tight pants for ladies, gay rumours and beer flavours.

Neil Young - I've never seen Neil L-I-V-E before so it'll be S-I-C-K and when the N-I-G-H-T is over I'll H-A-V-E memories to last a life time. I'll probably treat myself to a pre-show burrito and maybe some fries.

Office party - Our party is set atop the Sutton Place Hotel and everything is free, including the fermented drinks that adults have at get togethers. Two years ago the DJs decided they were going to sing "If I had a Million Dollars" for some reason and needless to say, they failed. Keep in mind this was in no way a karaoke event and I still for the life of me can't figure out why they did that. It would've been better had they performed a spoof version called "If I had a Million Dullards" about hanging out with bunch of idiots, or "If I had a Million Donalds" about hanging out with some cool Donalds. Have you ever tried to come up with your own parody song? You can't go to college for that shit son. Y'all learn it from tha streetz.

Our family also has to go on our yearly goose hunt and potatoe bake and I still have to perform in the church production of "A Christmas Story". This year I'm playing the dad who wins the leg lamp. Good role. Beefy role. I'm trying to get them to add a sex scene with the mom because I don't think the relationship comes out on stage as it does on film. Luckily we have a really open minded director this year. It's someone famous. It's Jason Alexander (!!!!). Don't tell anyone until opening night.

IF MONEY GREW ON TREES THEN COINS WOULD JUST TAKE OVER, NO BIG DEAL

Last week I watched a Joy Division documentary and it made me think long and hard about the classics. I made a decision that from now on, when it comes to music and books, I'm sticking to the classics. How can I go wrong? The risk factor is very very low, classics are easily accessible and no one can argue with the them. I'm not including films in this category because I don't really like old movies. With classic books and music you can use your imagination or something right? For example, I'm reading the Grapes of Wrath right now, and if I want I can picture them being in a dystopic future instead of the 1930's. The special effects are in my brain. Maybe I'll picture at as taking place in the "Firefly" universe. Makes sense right? That show combined cowboys and spaceships so why not Grapes of Wrath? Tom Joad is basically Captain Malcolm Reynolds and that preacher is Shepherd Book. That's as far as I've got in the book so I can't do any other comparisons. For those of you who haven't seen Firefly I'll be quiet now. I'm sorry you felt left out. I can't please everyone here. If that were the case I'd have to talk about international standards like cold, clean drinking water and a solid roof over my head. I'd complain about broad based issues like the world economy and rising gas prices. I don't do that stuff. Picture this blog as the newspaper of the city that's in my head: The latest issues, the hottest gossip and the best commentaries on the dumbest things, all coming right up after we talk more about gravy. There's no commercials here because they stink. Nothing stinks because stink is negative. Nothing is bad here so there's no stink, no must, no hassles. Put your feet up anywhere because that's what everyone should do. There are pillows in the shower. There's a fridge in the TV. Cold? The Kleenex box contains mittens and there's always a hot pot of soup on.

Back to the classics - It doesn't mean that I'm going to give up on new books and new music, but I'm going to be more cautious probably. I definitely don't want to turn into one of those guys who's stuck in one particular time period and refuses to get out. I agree that music isn't as good as it used to be, but that doesn't mean I'm going to grow my hair, buy a Zeppelin shirt and walk around brandishing a frown all day. Heard that new Britney Spears single? Heavens to Gregory that's a catchy song! And that video? She's naked in it! And when she's not naked she's humping a dude. It's kind of funny because they could've given that song to anyone, but Spears is the biggest so everyone gives their best songs to her. She really had nothing to do with it, except get naked to its smooooove rhythms and sing some bars that get robotically enhanced and looped a million times to make a song. Actually, all she has to do is hum for a few seconds and they can mold it into lyrics with some big computers. Anyway, welcome back Britney.

I ended up at a gentleman's club on Saturday night. I haven't been to one in awhile. Despite all the live naked books and bare cheeks around, I don't really like these places because they trick you into giving them money. I don't fall for that. Once this stripper was trying to get me to pay for a lap dance or something and I asked if she knew Star Wars and she said it was her favourite and then I quizzed her on it and she failed. HA. She was trying to trick me. It's just not a very positive place is all. The women are trying to make a living in a sort of crummy way, and the men are so lonely and horny that they're willing to pay for it. Someone should open a silly strip club where things aren't as serious. Its clientele will be guys like me who go because live boobs make us giggle and everyone will dance to Weird Al songs. It'll be a lighter atmosphere you know? There will be free candy all over and screens playing comedy classics like Caddyshack. Lighter atmosphere. Better quality. Better pizza. Papa John's.

Last night I had a dream that my family went on a Russian adventure but didn't invite me and I was soooooooooooooooooooo mad. A similar thing happened in real life when I was visiting my friend in Ohio and my family went to Medieval Times without me. I was so pissed. I still haven't been. Frig mom, frig. I think I was just jealous that everyone got a whole chicken to themselves. Last night I ate so much damn Swiss Chalet. Those soggy fries are like chalet sauce sponges. Oh baby.

ODDS ARE THE BEST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU TODAY IS THAT YOU FIND A SMALL AMOUNT OF MONEY.

I was fairly aggressive yesterday, so I'm going to try to keep things light today. I was angry because it wasn't Friday. I got happier once I realized that I can do all my Christmas shopping online. Let's have a lot of fun today, share some laughs and play some really good games.

But first allow me to point out that known stupid Ashley Simpson and her puffy faced cream pie husband Pete Wentz named their son "Bronx Mowgli". So everything I said yesterday is true. "Bronx" is one of Disney's Gargoyles and "Mowgli" screams Pete Wentz louder than checkered scarves and eyeliner. Let me also take this opportunity to shout out my man Mark Wahlberg who sticks to normal names like Brendan, Ella and Michael. He also said he didn't want his daughter growing up in Hollywood with role models like Britney and Lindsay hanging around. I'd be 100% behind this guy if it wasn't for the fact that he makes generally bad movies and that he was once a horrible role model who got young girls thinking about penises way earlier than they should have. That's your celebrity wrap up for today, Friday June 6th, 1999. I'm your host Mark Paul Gosselar and I just want to be taken seriously as an actor. I'm still handsome if you step back and take an objective view of me. Strip away that Zack Morris bull crap. You see? My natural hair colour is chestnut!

I wore some boots yesterday and got some blisters, which are terrible little guys. The first time I got blisters I went "YYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEOOOWW" and the first time I got the wind knocked out of me I thought I was dying. The only other time I thought I was dying was when I ate some roast beef too fast. You know how scientists always compare under water to an alien planet? That's wicked. Think about that for a few seconds. Maybe when you die that's where you go. You turn into a dolphin. That would explain a whole lot. It would explain where you go when you die and it would explain why dolphins are so much damn fun and have sex for pleasure and not necessarily to make bay-bays. When you think about it, dolphins are heavenly creatures - they surf, they play, they frolic, they sing, they do it all the time, they do flips.

I really do wish a big scientific discovery was around the corner. Being around the Scientific Revolution would have been the best. Everyday these guys were blowing your mind and unlike before when magicians would tell you what's what, these guys could actually explain it. It's too bad that most people thought they were warlocks or Bible eaters. If only we could bring them back to life for a few days and show them how much we appreciate them:

"COPERNICUS, YOU'RE THE BEST, COPERNICUS, NOT LIKE THE REST"

"KEPLER, KEPLER HE'S OUR MAN, IF HE CAN'T DO IT NEWTON CAN"

"NEWTON NEWTON SAT ON A WALL, NEWTON NEWTON GRAVITY DOLL"

"GALILEO SAVE THE DAY-O, GALILEO TRY OUR FUTURE MAYO"

Those would be the chants at the parade the world throws for them. We'd give them a future party the likes of which has never been seen. We'd feed them coke and burgers, take them for rides on jet boats and Ferraris, treat them to an IMAX film, fly around for awhile, go to a hip hop show, watch Planet Earth and just let them fiddle around on the Internet for awhile. It'd be funny if they weren't all that impressed and thought we'd be further along. Or if they thought we were all really obnoxious and rude. Or if they were all real horn dogs and couldn't stop asking when they'd be given their women. "I am enjoying this submarine sandwich you've prepared, but I have to ask again - when do we get our whores?"

I think if I had unlimited money, one of the things I'd do is buy a super boat and just live on it for like 15 years and go around the world. Everything that's good on Earth is near water so you'd be able to see all the best. I'd hire a personal chef and a scuba expert as well as a doctor and maybe a scientist, so when we're in the middle of the ocean we don't waste time and can do experiments because I'll have the most sophisticated equipment available. I'd also do so much fishing that I become one of the best in the world. It'll get to a point where I don't even use a rod, I just stick my arm in and use my instincts, then when I finally stop the voyage after 15 years I find it hard to re-incorporate myself into society. THAT'S THE DREAM SON.

That's it for this week you little grizzly bears. On Saturday if you're bored I'd recommend going back to one of my previous posts, printing it out and standing on the street reciting it in the spirit of the season. On Sunday do the same thing, except instead of going out, go see your family and read it because the season is about family. Light a nice big fire and roast some seasonal vegetables. MMmmmmm smell that celery. Take it out and smother it in honey... mmmmm.....the turnips are done.... ohhh yah

IT SNOWED AND EVERYONE HAS THE SPIRIT OF SANTA IN THEIR SOULS

Have you been on the Internet lately? You know what I don't get? People who take pictures of themselves naked or in underpants and people who make sex videos. I guess it's not really the fact that they make them in the first place, but rather the fact that they're stupid enough to make them public. Well, maybe it is that they make them in the first place. What are they planning on doing with them? Showing their friends? Am I missing something here? Do I sound like an old man? I feel like this blog is turning into a chronicle of me getting older and not understanding things. Humbug guy. I guess there's a chain of stupdity involved in this whole debate. Allow me to explain:

Step 1: The inherent stupidity of filming yourself doing it in the first place. What happens if you send your man some pictures and then you go kissing another dude? It would be the easiest revenge ever: "Oh you cheated on me? Hold on two seconds..."
"What are you doing Derrick?"
"I just emailed those nude pics of you to everyone I know. Your dad too. I put the subject as 'cool football stuff' so he'll see them for sure."
"Well played."

Step 2: If you're the type of person who films themselves having sex, you're also probably the type of person who doesn't know how to use a computer properly and has TONS of Spyware and malware and worms and black holes and mainframe security breaches because you just HAD TO download that puppy screensaver. Then some guy has access to all your stuff and when he finds you nude his mission is complete. Maybe people are even dumber than this and post pics on Flickr etc., not thinking that people can see them. Get it?

I just saw a tour bus go by and it said "Clique Girlz". According to Wikipedia "The Clique Girlz are an American girl group from Egg Harbor Township, New Jersey, comprised of sisters Paris and Destinee Monroe and their best friend Ariel Moore." I'll bet they have some nudes floating around somewhere on the Internet. Nice names. If your name is Paris or Destinee you're automatically an idiot in my mind. I will not give you the benefit of the doubt. I hate it when people name their kids something like "Dream, Destiny, Wish, Rainbow, Gift, Angel etc." ALL BABIES ARE GREAT AND PRECIOUS. 'Precious', that's another one. Remember that little girl on Leave it to Beaver named Puddin'? That was allllllllright. Your baby is special by default. No one doubts this. It's like naming your dog "Family Pet" or "Bark Master" or "Man's Best Friend". No duh. And come on man. You might as well name your kid "Boobs" if you're going to name her Paris. That name autmatically brings up images of dirty sluts and drunk idiots doing cocaine in bathrooms with their tits hanging out and their hands grasping on wieners all night. Why not try a different city, like 'Tulsa' or 'Sarasota'?

Okay, so my exposé on homemade porno wasn't the most succinct thing ever, and I got a bit side tracked thanks to the Clique Girls, but you get it right? Esentially I'm saying that those who allow their nudes to get on the Internet have to be stupid in several ways, so at the end of the day, those who are nude on the web by accident are the stuidest of them all. It actually makes porn stars look smart - at least they get paid.

You ever have those times in life when you realize something about yourself that you never realized before? I remember once in grade 9 or 10 or something my friends and I were filming ourselves doing tricks on a trampoline and when we watched it I noticed that I was an awkward beanpole. I was good at sports and everything and I could do flips, but I just looked funny doing them. From then on I had a different view of myself, which actually helped when I started doing comedy because I could exploit my awkwardness. A similar thing happened recently when I looked at my feet in the mirror. My feet are no good. It's because I had in-grown toenails a while back so now the my big toe nails are all curvy. BUT since I wear socks ALL the time I am callous free! My feet are as soft as a baby's cheeks. If I could somehow solve this nail issue and maybe shave some of the hair off, I could be the best nude foot model this side of the Atlantic! I'll need a stage name....'Doug Windsor', regal, yet rustic. You like?

More complaining:

I'm getting pretty sick of the families on TLC. Jon and Kate have gone Hollywood and now their kids are way spoiled. The Roloffs are jerks and complain about money although they star in a national TV show, own a giant farm and were apparently very wealthy BEFORE the show because that dickhead dad of theirs made millions on software deals.

I got a lot off my chest today. Thank you for listening. If you disagree with any of the above then please contact my manager, Gorb Trunt. He'll be at the Eaton Centre from 5-7 this evening. I'm also sorry if you know anyone who has a name that I berated today. Again, talk to Gorb if you have any issues. He'll probably be in the food court eating a Teen Burger from A&W. I don't like those burgers. Too much mustard.